Not sure I should even post this.

[Tri Girl]

Oh, Raindrop. I'm so saddened for you. That fact that you're returning to work is a huge step forward. I can't imagine your sorrow, but know that we're all here for you. Big hugs....

[margo49]

My brother was an alcoholic and died at 40 - just 6 months after my father. That lethargy you describe is familiar to me. I think it is a natural reaction.
It does pass. But it takes time.
I always think of Douglas and what an amazing person he was. We were 2kids so I am the only one now.

In my prayers...

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

My heartfelt sympathy to you. I lost my brother under awful circumstances as well.
There will be a period of numbness...non-feeling, non-reality, difficulty sleeping and difficulty feeling emotions. That's like a self-protecive thing our body does to keep us from shock. After that probably periods of both sad helplessness, missing him terribly, and also anger directed towards him but then turned back on yourself -because being angry at him is not "acceptable".
I say these things because it may help you to know that all this is simply normal and is part of the process of returning to life slowly over the next couple of years. The pain and sadness will never go away, but your life will come back and you will see all this in a different way. The pain will morph into a new strength within you, and one day you will "forgive" both your brother and YOURSELF, and be more at peace about it. This process takes its own path and its own time. Don't be afraid to get some counseling, even just for a limited time to get you over a bad hump.

Please take extra special care of yourself right now. Eat healthy things, excercise on occasion to keep your physical body feeling well. Exercise can also produce chemicals that make us feel better, and calm our minds. Crying makes us feel better too, so embrace that too.

(((((Sending hugs to you....)))))

[margo49]

Yeah, that misdirected anger thing LisaS.H. describes is so real.
Your mind plays some funny tricks on you out of grief and hurt.

[suzieqtwa]

Raindrop,
Im so sorry you are going through this especially during this time of the year. My warm thoughts are with you...it takes time to heal.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Suzie

[wannaduacentury]

{{{Raindrop}}} I'm really sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Jennifer

[SalsaMTB]

Raindrop,

I'm so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[hellosunshine]

you are so brave opening up and sharing this,i think thats a sign that inside you do have the strength to pull through this.all bad times do pass,memories never fade,experiences mould us into who we are.wishing you a bucket of courage and hoping you never have to appologise for talking about it ever again,you did the right thing.

[snowtulip]

Raindrop, thanks for opening up and sharing. I'm sorry for your loss and my thoughts and energy are with you. I echo what everyone says, we're here for you to unload on and express your feelings.

[Pip72]

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I'm glad you shared it with us. Over the years my cycling has meant so many different things to me. I hope that it helps you through this period in its own way, but don't push things - you will know what you're ready for and when.

The most amazing thing though is that you've shared things with us here. That's so incredibly brave.

When life got hard for me earlier in the year, for a while I wanted to sell all my bikes as I couldn't see how I could ever cycle again. I have discovered that I can though and that once again it is cycling which is helping me to move on - small steps at a time.

Please look after yourself as others have said and keep in touch with us all.

xx

[bcipam]

Raindrop, hope you realize you never have to ask if you should post something so personal or not. This forum contains an amazing group of women and I think it creates a wonderful network of support.

I cannot begin to understand your loss and how hard it is for you. I can only tell you that I have a brother who fell from grace and got himself into alot of trouble (having to go to prison). It was a horrible ordeal for my family and it has taken years for all of us to accept the reality of what occurred. Place no blame on yourself. Your brother made his choice without thinking what he would leave behind, alot of hurt and disappointment from his loved ones. Acknowledge the loss, discuss it with your family and each strive to move on. Tough, I know, but time is your friend.

[eclectic]

Raindrop - a big, silent, teary hug goes out to you.

I know the feeling of the numbing, choking pain and feeling like you are living in a surreal world where nothing else seems to have importance, the heartache overwhelms everything.

My older sister is an attempted suicide survivor (3 separate incidents). It is only by the grace of God that she is still with us. She has been able to give us insight on what it is like to be in a suicidal state. She told us that once the decision was made nothing anyone could say or do would have prevented her from doing what she did.

When and if you would like to know anything more of what she said please feel free to PM me. Her description helped me with the "Why?"

You will run the gamut of emotions, circle yourself with loving, caring people and allow yourself to grieve. Grief counselling is an excellent idea and it helps.

Prayers go out for you and your family ((((((Raindrop)))))

[KSH]

Oh Raindrop... this is the place. *Soft Hugs*

What can one say... to something like that? It's horrible... it's tragic... and you have every right to feel so depressed about it.

All I can say is that I am sorry... and I send my condolences. Although the words seem pretty useless at a time like this.

[sbctwin]

{{{Raindrop}}} Thank you for sharing your struggle. Remember, grief has stages and one doesn't hop through them. There is no timetable. We progress the best we can. One day, you will see a rainbow again, but the process of grief will take time. You are in my prayers....

[kelownagirl]

So sorry Raindrop. There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said but you are in my thoughts...