Small problems but at my wits end

[DDH]

Goodness, I don't know what is wrong with people these days, but you see this kind of stuff all the time.
It's become such an "all about me" world. No one wants to take responsibility for their actions, and blame everyone else. People treat other people with loath and disrespect.
I find myself getting very cynical and that really isn't like me and it really bothers me that I have gotten this way. It's hard not to though.

I guess we just have to learn to not let these kinds of people get to us and know inside that we are good and do our best. These others are just miserable and because of such, want to make everyone else around them the same way.

Try not to let them get to you. I know it's hard, but just count to 10 and think to yourself how happy it makes you that you are not such a miserable person as they are. Then look them square in the face and tell them with all the sympathy you can muster, how sorry you are they have such miserable lives that they feel they must make everyone else the same way.
Do it with a smile and sincerity and then turn and walk away.
They won't know what hit them, and this keeps you from lowering yourself to their level.
Now I need to learn to take my own good advice.

[7rider]

It is their dinosaur brain taking over, according to Berstein and Rozen:
http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyT...47161808X.html

Sad that folks often have so little regard for others. I thought it was a problem in the US. Sadly, it seems to be universal.

[doc]

Here is a little video to cheer you up (monty python)

http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

[Quillfred]

Theav

Your neighbbor sounds like a dangerous man to me. There are too many angry people who can't control their tempers. The newspapers are filled with the results of their rage.

I think it is sensibile to fear this man. Not to give him more power but because that you know he is already capable of violence. I don't know if it is feasible for you, but I would move if I could.

I just had an irresponsible neighbor cut trees on our mutual bank. Although technically on his side of the line, the slope is a slide area and the trees were integral to the stability of the hill and our house as well.

I had one contact with him. Luckily for us, the city here has strict regulations on this thing and I was able to make him stop and get proper permits and hopefully he will restabilize the hill. I don't think he will retaliate.

In the meantime, you are right to resist retaliation because he will probably come back at you, miserable ba$tard that he is. Sorry you are having a hard time.

Quillfred

[eclectic]

No ideas on the gal from work other than best wishes

Re the neighbor. Why does he want the tree cut down? He has every right to cut down any part that is over his property. Let him get a court order if he wants the entire tree down.

If he came on my property I would file a trespassing charge against him and you do have the right to file a disorderly conduct charge re the threats. Even if it doesn't stick it is up to him to prove innocence more than you need to prove guilt. (I know this first hand because of my stupid and I mean dumber than a box of rocks, neighbors )

the saying goes "tall fences make for good neighbors" Are you able to build a a very tall fence on his side

Re poisoning the pup - I can see where that is a very legitimate fear. We had a dog poisoned when my kids were young - very traumatic, I don't know how this could be prevented if someone was bent on revenge and psychopathic enough to act on it.

Good luck and let us know how everything turns out

[wannaduacentury]

I agree that karma can have its own negative effect. As for work issues, I(we-the whole store) had this PIA asst store mgr and he was so full of himself arrgh, he even had an affair w/ a girl in my dept and they both denied it, but he went on a business trip to help stores after Hurr. Katrina and bragged about his affair(go figure) he also had several sexual harrassment cases against him, at the present job and those before in which he was fired and he got fired from this one too. No one could figure out why his nice wife w/ 2 beautiful kids wouldn't leave the jerk. Well I heard he's working for his brother at some restaurant and I can only wonder, which waitress he's baiting now. When he was fired, he was in the middle of a transfer and no one was sad to see him go.
I had another job where the mgr was another horses patoot and he was mean to me as well- he got sacked too and I still had my job. Just goes to prove. Hang in there. jennifer

[Thistle]

Thanks for all your responses. I feel better just reading what everyone has to say. It was awful to have to tell DH about the tree and wistera... he gets so upset! So it was a tough night cos he doesnt handle this stuff well. Added to that when the tradesman finally got there (I got mad and told them they had to send someone this arvo and to my surprise they did!) it was bad news re the heating system.

I like the idea of shaming, Light. We have a friend who is a horticulturist and i'm trying to get hold of her to come round and give us a professional opinion re the tree and wisteria. Might send it off to testing. It would be nice to be able to prove it was poisoned, even though we already know it was (it borders his property). So i think we'll give the sign thing a try.

We have thought of moving.. particularly last night.. we talked about it a lot. Even though this man is probably late 70's, he's as fit as a malley bull, so i think he's gunna be around a while . Even though moving is a hassle, it's probably less hassle than spending another 15 years living next door to him. As DH says, we could always give a family with teenage drummer sons a big discount on the house And as i said to him this morning, we could build a garage big enough to house our growing stable of bikes

As for my fellow phd student, ugh. I like your idea DDH.. it sounds like a good option to try. I'll give it a go. I think it will make me feel better to be able to confront her in a non-confrontational way.

The book sounds fascinating Regina. I am currently waiting for another one "coping with difficult people" by Robert Bramson. I have the tapes of this and they are excellent, but i had to order the book from the US and of course it's not here yet! maybe we should move the US... that's where all the good cycling clothes and other goodies are! But then you gals would have no one to visit when you travel downunder

And Doc.... that is such a great link! Has left me smiling for the day!

Thanks girls, your responses help so much.

Thea

[Quillfred]

"As DH says, we could always give a family with teenage drummer sons a big discount on the house."

Funny you should mention this. That is exactly who moved into our prior house.

[mimitabby]

I can see it now:

House for sale $350,000

If you have 1 son who drums, $300,000

If you have 2 or more sons who are enthusiastic drummers, $240,000

home visit required for approval

[Duck on Wheels]

Theav wrote "Although it was surreal to have her supervisor ask me how she should approach the topic with the student"

Yep, this is a widespread weakness among academics. Many of us go into science thinking we'll be able to work quietly and peacefully all by ourselves, so we don't really work on our management skills. Avoidance and denial are high on our strategy lists. But when push comes to shove, most of us are nice people and we do try to weed out the sociopaths ... eventually. Let's hope your respective supervisors work this out.

Otherwise, I liked the shaming suggestions. And I liked your idea about getting the dead tree and wisteria (and the soil around them) tested first. Best not to jump to conclusions. If they have been poisoned, I think you should go back to the police. They might be able to get a search warrant and find the poison on his property, in which case they might be able to at least fine him for property damage. If all else fails, then you it might make you feel better initially to put up a public warning sign, but that would be escalation and he might bump up his attacks as well. Oh dear. Where is that wrath-of-G'd lightening bolt when we need it?

If other's worries are any comfort, we seem to have an arsonist in our neighborhood now. Two fires last night -- one in a dumpster next door and one in a garage another 3 houses up. Scary! We have a whole cord of winter firewood stacked in our carport!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

....These others are just miserable and because of such, want to make everyone else around them the same way.
... I know it's hard, but just count to 10 and think to yourself how happy it makes you that you are not such a miserable person as they are.

Similarly, I try to think just one thought- how happy I am that I am not them. That I don't have to live inside their mean selfish brains 24 hours a day and live their miserable little lives BEING them. When I think about that enough, it helps me to distance myself from them. They WANT you to be upset with them! Don't give them what they want. Feel sorry for them instead. Don't confront them in anger or with sarcasm. Best not to confront them at all. Play it straight, polite, and calm and you'll never regret your actions later.
I know, easier said than done. But I do try to turn my mind around that way if I can, simply because i know it will make ME feel better.