Silver~ I really feel what you are going through. I kinda thought that you would have a "delayed" reaction to Sam's death since you seemed awfully "together" after it happened. It's a really hard thing to take in a sudden death when it first happens. It's like our mind protects us from the full impact early on, and only lets the horror of it in in bits and pieces. I experienced that when my dad died in a car accident last year. It was horrible at first, of course, but I guess I was kind of numb, because the strongest, most debilitating grief, shock, anger, pain, were somewhat delayed. The sobbing until I was gasping for air came not as often the first two weeks after his death, but a month, two months later. I couldn't ride on the road for nearly 10 months afterwards because I felt so small and vulnerable, and like I was surely going to be killed as well. I didn't want my DH to ride either as my fear of losing someone else that I loved was so great.

It seems like your own accident may have allowed you to experience the full shock and emotion of witnessing Sam's death. You're experiencing your own accident, the pain and shock and fear of that, but you're also grappling with the death of a fellow cyclist that you WITNESSED. That is truly "heavy" and is bound to exacerbate your fear response greatly. You need to give yourself time and not pressure yourself to get out there before you're ready. And don't let your DH, as wonderful as he is, do that either.

Big hugs: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Silver }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

~Emily