Having babies

[HappyAnika]

Ok, I was thinking about this some more, and here's what bugs me, you keep talking about how your husband will get to go riding but not you. Its just as much your husband's baby as yours, so why should all the responsibility of caring for the child fall on you? It shouldn't! (Even if you plan to breastfeed, they have pumps so you can always have milk available).

Ok, here I go again with the dogs. This is before we were even engaged, we got our lab puppy at 7 weeks old, our other dog was 5 then. The puppy slept in a crate at night in our bedroom and had to get up once or twice every night to go outside and do her business. I'm a heavy sleeper and I hate to be bothered with getting up. DH was so wonderful about taking the puppy out every single night, in December and January in the freezing cold for her to pee. I knew then that he was perfect for being the father of my children.

Now I know that lots of women make the choice to become single mothers and my hats off to them. I don't think I could do it alone. I'm all about sharing responsibilities between us. Even if you are going to be a SAHM since your husband earns more, you should feel entitled to some personal time away from the baby, meanwhile he needs some bonding time with the baby, so it all works out. Have you talked about this with your husband?

[Tuckervill]

But we go through them and move (limp, stagger,blunder,meander) on to a New Normal in an equally Meaningful Life.

Sometimes we even sail.

Karen

[LBTC]

When we were younger and trying to decide if kids were the right thing for us....we listened to everyone's arguments and opinions about whether we "should" have kids and we determined that there is no unselfish reason to *not* have kids but there is also no unselfish reasont *to* have kids.

Once we go that out of the way, it was a lot easier for us to really listen to what our hearts were saying. And both of our hearts (eventually) said a resounding NO we don't want kids. Even with the pressure of friends having kids and wanting our kids to all go to school together, etc, etc, etc. It's just not right for us, and I still feel that no-one should assume that it's the next thing in life (whether you're thinking adventure or responsibility, it just doesn't have to be next).

We've both looked at the issue from all sorts of angles and know that being parents to human children (we have 4 furry four-legged kids already), is just not something we *want*. And it's not that we don't like all kids (although some I can't imagine having to be around all of the time!!)...we just spent an inordinate amount of time and money decorating our yard and buying way too much candy for the kids for Halloween and wholly there sure were some cute ones!

The only acceptable reason to do anything, ever, is because you *want* to.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, if it really is something you want to do, you will definitely find the way to do the other things, like riding, that you want to do, too. If you want it, the fear and worry will dissolve, and you find every solution you need. I just really hope that your DH and you both want the same thing and both have the same expectations going into it. Talk with him. Often. Deeply. Sort it all out. Listen to your heart. Then dive right in, whichever way you go!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[margo49]

Motivation? I will say it again.

This is biology and a basic drive.We are talking about carrying on the species. Not love (whatever that is), togetherness, next steps in development of self or realtionship...reproduction of the genes (hopefully the best ones). That is why the doe looks for the buck with the best set of antlers or the lady mountain goat looks for the gentleman mountain goat that butts the other ones off the edge of the cliff.
We human animals should not think we should be so different. We are still animals when it comes to this. Go for someone who will maximize your genetic potential. Trust me, if you ask yourself this question your deepest self will answer *immmediately*. And if you have to *ask* your deepest self then he is not the one.

[LBTC]

Margo, you make a good point, about the biology of it, and maximizing genetics. And it's one of the many reasons we decided not to have kids. My gene pool is shallow to say the least, and DH's isn't much better. We'd have had some wonder kid with weird allergies that was way too short, but the little fart would have been very opinionated! hahahaha
~T~

[Puffin]

Thanks for that image!
I have often thought that DH and I should be having lots of kids to offset all the Chavs (UK reference) who are having babies around us. Don't we want to fill the world with healthy and intelligent people who share our values?
But this may well be a whole new thread beginning!
It reminds me of the recent research into what type of men women are attracted to at their time of ovulation as opposed to others days in the month. There seems to be a contradiction between the type of man who makes a good long term partner (earning and caring) and that who will produce strong offspring (testosterone).
I'm sure having both a fit and intelligent husband should carry a lot of weight in favour of having children. But I don't think it's enough to justify personal sacrifices if I decide I don't want to make them

[xeney]

Huh. I thought "chav" was sort of a counterpart to "ghetto" or "white trash," and I think that's about the most offensive reason for having babies that I've ever heard.

[Puffin]

SIGH


Dear All,
Do you know what Chav means in England? If you did, you would laugh at my comments not be upset or insulted.
I am a very tolerant person, who cares about all people, and my judgement is based on their actions and words, rather than colour of skin, health or wealth. I have friends from all backgrounds, who enjoy things from drinking beer to classic motorbikes. I do draw the line at antisocial behaviour like vandalism and foul-mouthing elderly people. I think that my sister is a bit of a Chav sometimes, and my husband calls me a Pikey because I take furniture out of skips to restore it for our house. I am also a manic-depressive so not very NORMAL to many.
I realise I have been in England so long that I am even beginning to use their same dry language.
I remember how difficult I found getting to know the English, but after a while you realise there's a warm glow inside. Their heart's in the right place, as one would say.
My brother never made it past that stage and moved to Thailand.

Emily

ps I am disappointed at the prudishness of this forum

[paigette]

ps I am disappointed at the prudishness of this forum

LOL, this site is ANYTHING but prudish. The issue here appears to be a communication/wording area. Just remember, this is a primarily(NOT ALL) American site, so some foreign humor will be lost on us. Not only that, but it is also a message board, which I always find are just TERRIBLE for expressing a sarcastic wit.

[Puffin]

Maybe I ought to use more Smilies in my messages so people could gather the tone of writing.
Otherwise I am going to have to be constantly apologising for being devil's advocate, painting a different picture, telling the other side of the story...

[wannaduacentury]

Hi Emily, I guess as far as having kids, make sure both of you are ready, if one of you is not, or both, then postpone for awhile. If the bio clock is ticking, well you may have to make a quicker choice, but if you do decide to have kids, make sure it what you both want so the child can have the best possible life. Your ? reminds of an American show called Frasier where Niles wants to be a dad and carries around this 5 lbs flour sack in a cuddly and pretends it's a baby, including falling into a tub of water, drying by the fireplace to catch on fire, then Eddy the jack russell destroys it. A good lesson I say. I also watch a lot of BBC shows(many on dvd) and some of the language quirks I miss and some I have to listen carefully to get their meaning. I guess you really do get into a culture if you stay for awhile. Jennifer

[paigette]

Well, on another board that, if I type something that I think people will see as mean, I generally put ((SARCASM)) after it. Just helps in others translation & takes 2 seconds to do.

[Puffin]

I LOVE Frazier!
When we went to Seattle last year, I looked everywhere for some Frazier parphenalia (spelling?) but couldn't find anything.

[Dianyla]

I have no opinion on the offensiveness of the term chav, but I still think it's at least a wee bit arrogant to want children for the purpose of outnumbering another group of people.

It doesn't matter whether "those other people" are different based on socioeconomic class, religion, ethnicity, or perceived intelligence. No matter how you slice or dice it, that statement means that you think your kind of people are better than those kind of people, therefore more of you ought to exist than more of them.

Just my $0.02.

[Puffin]

Woah there! I never said I wanted to have babies to outnumber another type of person/class, etc. I have TOTALLY been misinterpreted. It was a tongue in cheek comment about having children to populate the world with more people like me & my husband...Survival of the fittest - HELLO? Anyone heard of the Devil's Advocate?
If you read the previous post it was also tongue in cheek about not wanting babies to turn out as a combination of their particular genes. No one is saying that they are better than anyone else
Besides, the CHAV reference is also being completely misconstrued. It's not about a PEOPLE, its about a behaviour, which I happen to have an opinion on.
JEEZ