childless?

[Lenusik]

I have no idea who to talk to about this ~ or how to resolve all the emotions.

I realize that ladies here on the board are trying to be supportive by telling about their stories, pains, and decisions. But you sound like you are still trying. And one day you may still be very pleasantly surprised. I have several friends who are trying to concive. Invitro, and other procedures, all of this is too much for the emotions.

Maybe you should go to a different doctor and look for a different opinion. I am not an expert and maybe I do not have a right to suggest. But there is a clinic in Odessa, Ukraine. I am from there and I know a lot about it. They specialize in infertility treatments and do miracles. They use natural mud, mineral water, salt caves, and definitely medical research that they've done for many years. Please check out their website. http://www.kuyalnik.com/index-e.html
The verbiage could sound a little funny, you know, things get lost in translation. But the amount of money and effort that you give could be used there in this clinic where you can always find a good translator. Maybe when you learn about their research, you can potentially look for something like this in the US.

Best of luck to you! You will be just fine no matter of the result!

[bacarver]

Interesting discussion taking place here. I am 46 and my husband is 59. We've been married 17 years. He was my high school history teacher. We entered the marriage knowing that we wouldn't have our own because of our age difference. Adoption was a choice. We adopted 2 kids in 1994. They turned our lives into pure hell. I will never recover from the way they treated us. The nightmares continue even though they've been gone for 6 years. I have no nieces, nephews, . . . anything. I do volunteer at the local animal shelter to fill my need to hug, care, and provide love to living beings that need it. I see other families that "work" and I wonder why I can't have what they have. I have it to give but cannot participate. Adoption does succeed sometimes, but I know several families who have lived through awful days because the kids are so messed up. The adoption workers (state level in our situation) add to the misery. Even if we had agreed to have at least one child of our own, there would have been no guarantee as to intelligence, physical/mental health, or lifespan. It is so hard to want something more than anything and to have it denied. I have tried to cope with my grief by ignoring it. Talking about it makes it real. I'm trying to forget. I feel like a failure and I question the decision I made when I got married in 1989. I have a good life partner and I cannot bail out now. If we had our own child, he/she would be about 12 years old now. But this child does not exist and never will. Would a child make me feel better about myself? Would I be happier? I'll never know. I do have more freedom for cycling, doing what I want, spending money, retiring earlier. In my next life, I will have children.
Barb

[doc]

I definitely don't want to upset you, but I have never understood not wanting to adopt. I absolutely don't want to make you uncomfortable or put pressure on you but I wonder what your reasons for avoiding adoption are. (Please don't think I'm asking you to state them here, I just say it to encourage you to possibly revisit the idea).

I have taken care of so many adopted children. Some have been adopted from other countries, some from the same township and everything in between. Some have been the same race as the parents, some have not. The families are just like any other family. They experience love, pride, joy, heartache, fear, and everything else like any other family. The only difference I've noticed is in the few families who try to keep it a secret. Those who are matter-of-fact usually find adoption is a complete non-issue.

One of my favorite stories is a friend of mine who is white and married to a korean. They couldn't concieve so they arranged to adopt a korean baby. Then, of course she immediately became pregnant. The baby physically takes after her father. So when she would be out taking care of two little "asian" babies less than 9 months apart people would ask her if she is the babysitter! It drove her nuts (in a funny way, not a bad way)

[Nokomis]

Hey all ~ thought I'd pop back in with an update.

I was finally able to figure out that my restlessness with this topic is because I'm not ready to be done trying yet - for as much as I tried to be. DH and I had a great talk, and we're going to explore IUI. If this doesn't work, we still need to find a solution to the spotting, and DH and I will be searching out counseling. We should have a plan in place by the end of the year.

I know that adoption is a wonderful option for many families. I have 2 adopted brothers, one domestic, on international. My grandmother does homestudies for adoptions. But I know that for me and for us, it's not the right choice. I respect those who can and are successful with it.

[xeney]

There is also the cold hard fact that unless you are adopting a special needs child, adoption costs about $20,000-$30,000. (I have seen figures as low as $10,000-$15,000, but nobody I know who has adopted has gotten out for less than $20K.) In the US you get a tax credit of $10,000, I think, but that's still a big drop in the college fund. I know that for a lot of people infertility treatment is also very expensive, but for me, at least, it is mostly covered by insurance. Not that we are going that route, but I have to admit that it would be one consideration.

It never occurred to me until I started looking into the options that a major reason that most people seem to pursue IF treatment rather than adoption is the money factor. I find that very depressing.

[hellosunshine]

i cant have kids either and i realise i cope by burying my head in the sand,this thread opened it all up,but in a nice way,in a sharing way..........seems some days when you go into town everyone is pregnant.We have a charity locally called the friendship project,you look after disadvantaged kids one/two days a week,ive looked after several kids,from Downs syndrome/sex abused/bullied etc etc even when they turn 16 and social services withdraws the service to them/you.i find i have a kind of extended family of kids ive helped along the way,and its not a replacement,but its a nice warm feeling.when i stop racing(selfish or what)id love to do this again.im scared the rigmarole of interviews etc etc for adopting would be as much stress as IVF.if they rejected me then id think i was a physical AND MENTAL reject.

[crazybikinchic]

People ask me on a regular basis about adopting and don't understand why
DH and I don't want to. We agree, it is just not for us. Somedays I too feel that EVERYBODY and there dogs are pregnant and/or have babies. The "role" that I was most proud of was being a mommy. Most people can't understand why we don't try for more. It's hard to tell them that we will not do that to another child because our daughters life was hades on Earth. I have even had people tell me that they would rather have lost children at an early age, then have them grow up and know that they are going to hades. One of the days that really affects me is Mother's Day. I have tried to go to church on that day, but the preacher always seems to preach in honor of the mother's. It's hard for people to understand that I don't feel like a mother and haven't for several years. That is one day that I choose to stay at home, away from everone. The emotions that you are feeling is something that those of us that want children and can not have children seem to feel. It's hard to believe sometimes that there is a plan for us. It's even difficult to believe that somehow I didn't do something to "deserve" this. I try to remember that Megan was given to us for a reason, that had she been with someone else, she would not have lived as long as she did (we should have lost her on her first Christmas, but by the grace of God, we had her for 2 wonderful years).
I feel that those of us that so desperately want children but can not have them will be blessed in other ways.

[CyclChyk]

{{{{{Crazy}}}}} So much pain in your post brought tears to my eyes.
I am so sorry for your loss but so admire your strength.

[hellosunshine]

yes,all very harrowing yet so strong.in admiration,BIG HUG.

[Bad JuJu]

One enlightening thing I'm learning from this thread is that there are other women like me, who never in their lives wanted to be mothers. I thought I was unique in that respect, so never mentioned it. As a child, I never even wanted to play with dolls, though I adored my many stuffed animals. When someone in my family had a new baby, I was the only female in the family not ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the new addition.

What a relief to find out I'm not the only one!

[spokewench]

My husband and I decided not to have children shortly before my 40th birthday - I had given the hubby that deadline to decide if he really wanted to raise children. I'm 46 now and don't miss having children BUT if you are the type that really wants children and it certainly sounds like you are, THEN GO ADOPT SOME!

There are so many needy children out there and I know you would love them as much as if you bore them yourself!