Dealing With It

[Haudlady]

For years, the way I coped with difficult things in my life was to be with my horse. I can't even tell you how many times I cried on his shoulder! I talked to him for hours... he was the best listener. He was my best friend and companion for fourteen years. I had to put him down at the age of 21, three years ago on October 15th. This is too sad for words. When I think of him, which is often, I stop breathing for a second and my throat just closes up. Even though DH and I had been together for seven years by then, DH told me that night was the first time he ever saw me cry. I had done all my crying with my boy!

Now? Now what do I do? I take a walk in the trees, I weave at my loom, I breathe. I do the things that make me feel connected to the past ~ this settles me, and helps me realize that, at my core, I'm okay. And, sometimes, I cry on DH's shoulder, and that's okay too.

[indysteel]

Haudlady, your post really choked me up. I'm an animal person and totally understand that type of connection with a pet. I'm sorry that you lost him.

Kate

[pooks]

I've cried on my dogs' shoulders many, many times. There's something so totally comforting about animals, and I do have a preference for those that actually are big enough to have shoulders to cry on.

[pooks]

One more thing. After starting this thread this morning, I spent the rest of the day at the hospital with my mother-in-law, worrying that my intentions didn't come across. And now that I've read my posts again, I realize they probably didn't (although luckily others have done a better job than I did). I hope I didn't come across as insensitive. Sigh. I have trouble when I try to post something "sensitive." I overthink, and usually botch it. When I don't overthink and just write from the heart and hit send, I also usually botch it.

For somebody who earns money with words, I'm not that good with words when they're important.

Indy, I do believe cycling is the primary thing that is helping me deal with stuff right now, and it has also made me stronger in many ways that have nothing to do with muscles.

[HipGnosis6]

I'm too young to have as many hard, sad decisions behind me as I do. I've lived through some pretty major abuse and a rare disease, I gave up a major life dream, I've had a child die and I've been all but left at the altar (these are all stories that are too personal to me to talk about, no matter how wonderful you ladies are). I'm only 31.

On the short term, I gave up a perfectly decent job on ethical principles, I had my bike and my confidence wrecked in a car accident, I lost my boyfriend of almost two years, I'm still healing up after a serious tissue infection and I put my back out. All that in the last eight weeks.

Some of these things are choices I made for myself, and others are not. Others may argue that they are results of choices I made further back in time, but some things you just don't choose - like the MRSA. I didn't choose to develop an abcess; all I can do is choose what to do about it. I DID choose to go back to school, and now I also have decisions to make about the unforseen impacts that has had on my life. Having an understanding of my own choices, along with knowing that life WILL go on - that's the core of "dealing with it."

So to balance out that litany of tragedies and obstacles, let me also share with you some of the other amazing things that I have chosen to do:

I forgave and and am now friends with my ex fiancee.

I spent two years training to box - I even participated in four tournaments, and loved the experience even though I lost all my matches.

I learned target archery and got my certificate to teach it, and did so for five wonderful summers at Girl Scout camp.

I returned to school to finish my BA after dropping out of college.

I gave up a perfectly good job on ethical principles. That's on my negative list too, but it really is both - I'm proud of myself for it, even if it's also been a sizeable hardship.

I went back to school again to persue a new dream. I've had to give up a lot of things to do it, and I'm putting myself into serious debt, but it will be worth it in the long run.

[run it, ride it]

Haudlady, I hear you on the pony love. Sometimes I wish I had an affectionate horse. In nine years, my boy has only let me cry on his shoulder once or twice, if it was really important (read: about him). Any other time he nudges me off and says, "get yourself together, woman!"

But he cares, he does. If he's scared he calls to me. If he's hurt he comes to me.

Come to think of it... what a narcissistic horse. But he's honest and sweet and mischevious and I forget about the world when I'm with him.

I had to lease him when I went to university. I lasted two years. Went crazy without him. Saved up every penny and took him back. He is completely my sanity.