Interesting discussion taking place here. I am 46 and my husband is 59. We've been married 17 years. He was my high school history teacher. We entered the marriage knowing that we wouldn't have our own because of our age difference. Adoption was a choice. We adopted 2 kids in 1994. They turned our lives into pure hell. I will never recover from the way they treated us. The nightmares continue even though they've been gone for 6 years. I have no nieces, nephews, . . . anything. I do volunteer at the local animal shelter to fill my need to hug, care, and provide love to living beings that need it. I see other families that "work" and I wonder why I can't have what they have. I have it to give but cannot participate. Adoption does succeed sometimes, but I know several families who have lived through awful days because the kids are so messed up. The adoption workers (state level in our situation) add to the misery. Even if we had agreed to have at least one child of our own, there would have been no guarantee as to intelligence, physical/mental health, or lifespan. It is so hard to want something more than anything and to have it denied. I have tried to cope with my grief by ignoring it. Talking about it makes it real. I'm trying to forget. I feel like a failure and I question the decision I made when I got married in 1989. I have a good life partner and I cannot bail out now. If we had our own child, he/she would be about 12 years old now. But this child does not exist and never will. Would a child make me feel better about myself? Would I be happier? I'll never know. I do have more freedom for cycling, doing what I want, spending money, retiring earlier. In my next life, I will have children.
Barb