childless?

[Bad JuJu]

Just another family-without-children woman checking in with my two cents. (By the way, it bugs me the way the word family has been taken over to mean "with kids"--aren't dh and I a family??? )

Anyway, DH and I decided in our early thirties (well, mid-thirties for him) that we did not want to be parents, and mostly we've never looked back. I say "mostly" because he seemed to experience a moment or two of regret (though, oddly, I didn't) a few years ago when I started going through menopause. But it was gone in the wink of an eye. Though it does suggest that you want to try to be pretty sure about your decision.

Like Emily, we're not very kid-oriented, though don't generally dislike children--as some people will think you do if you don't have any. But we aspire to be the best aunt and uncle ever, and have always had dogs. And maybe it's a little different because we've both been teachers, and have had an opportunity to do some nurturing in that sense.

Seems like I've heard there are support groups for the fertility-challenged. You might search the internet. On the other hand, know that life can be fun and happy and marvelously fulfilling, even without having children.

[Geonz]

I agree about getting a second opinion... a lady I know struggled with infertility for *years* and then got her blood sugar regular and conceived amazingly quickly.
On the other hand, as a childless 46-year-old, I do a *lot* of nurturing that is only possible for me to do because I don't have kids. (I also find that I simply don't feel that anything is missing from my life because there aren't kids... I truly, honestly don't have the urge and have always wondered what it was like - you have my sympathy if not empathy there!)
I do have family, and there is tons of love in my life in little and big ways; I have consciously cultivated close friendships and/or other have cultivated them with me.
And I have my bikes!

[Kitsune06]

GF and I are currently childless.
I don't suspect this will change too soon, but she wants to, someday, and you know... I think I dread and fear this more than anything else in our relationship. I do *not* want to be "that horrible person who left her GF because she couldn't handle parenthood" or likewise "that horrible person" who "wasted" her time by being with her until then, and leaving her single to ponder parenthood with someone she didn't know as well. She says my concerns are 'stupid' and that I'll 'change my mind' once I hit my mid to late 20s... I'm not so sure. I just know how people tend to look back and say "You knew how you felt in the first place- why are you suddenly bringing this up now?!" when the time to make an actual decision on something comes.
I'm just not into kids... and I wish she weren't either, but I can't change that. She says "Well, who will take care of you when you're old?!" ... I will, and my savings will, or no one will... such is life. I'm not going to have a kid to try to change that.
My nurturing needs tend to go toward my pets and my partner.
It's not that I don't think there's enough love in me to go around, but that if I did have a child someday, I would want to adopt... there are a lot of children out there who need that kind of steady, real love... why make my own?
I'm sorry I have no real words of wisdom or experience to give you, except that family is family and love is love. You and your husband don't love each other less for this, and that's *the* most important thing. You two should focus on being happy together, doing things together, and enjoying your lives together.

[Steph]

((((Nokomis))))))
My best friend has struggled with infertility for years. She dreamed of a big family. Even though she did have one child with treatments, she still feels a big void from repeated failures to conceive since then. She is 36 now. Just the other day when I told her about one of our friends who is pregnant at 36 and didn't want to be, she went down that road of feeling left out again. She would like to try the treatment where they put the sp*rm directly into the tubes. She knows that her husbands motility is low. I agree with the other posters about getting 2nd or even a 3rd opinion. I think that for most women there is just something wired in us to want to nurture and love and have children. The feelings you described are feelings I have heard her express so many times. I will pray for you.

[crazybikinchic]

I was having issues with the not being a mommy. My situation is different. I have a beautiful daughter. She is now in the hands of the Lord. She had a genetic disease that took her young. Don't get me wrong, I had 2 wonderful years that I would not trade for the life of me with her, but she was my 1 in 4 chance of having a child with it. There are other health issues that again are passed to children coming into play here, but my decision to not have more children is as it is. We opted to get a puppy in order to help with the issues that I was facing and I have to say that he has helped a lot. He is like a child in many respects, he demands attention, he loves unconditionally, he is happy to see me when I get home, I also have found a great running partner. I'm not saying he is the cureall, I am saying he has helped. I still don't feel like a mommy and I have my days that I do not deal with it as well, but again, my dog has helped.

[Aggie_Ama]

I have a "friend" on another board going through the same emotions. She has been open about her struggle for the last two years. One of the things that has really helped was couples therapy. Her husband and her have been able to face the grieving process infertility brings. Just a thought.

[CyclChyk]

Anyway, DH and I decided in our early thirties (well, mid-thirties for him) that we did not want to be parents, and mostly we've never looked back............On the other hand, know that life can be fun and happy and marvelously fulfilling, even without having children.

My DH and I as well decided very early in our relationship that we did not want to be parents. Not that kids aren't great, its just they are not great to us unless they belong to someone else. Once in awhile my DH and I will get a twinge of regret for not having a child. But it only lasts for a very small moment.

And I completely agree with JUJU as our life is fun and happy and fulfilling. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I also agree with KIT that adoption is such a great option. I know someone who adopted a baby a year and 1/2 ago and they love that baby as tho it were their own flesh and blood. Sure its expensive, but if you want something badly enough you find a way.