childless?

**Nokomis** · 10-22-2006, 11:17 AM

This is a bit of a spin off from the menstral cycle thread...

Any others here dealing w/ not being able to conceive? DH and I are trying to work thru infertility - and are currently no longer trying. We've been thru every workup the docs can think of - and have Unexplained fertility. We're now early 30s, have gone thru trying w/ a little bit of assisted/medicated cycles. My menstral cycle is messed up - but again - docs can find nothing techinically wrong in order to fix it. I've also tried a year of accupuncture & herbs with no change. When it comes to baby making we've decided that IVF and Adoption are not for us.

My struggle is learning how to deal with tomorrow - and the thought of Never being a mother. I'm content in today, and if I live day to day things are good. But if I think about the future I crumble & don't know how to deal.

My doc thinks that my cycle issues may be best dealt with by getting pregnant - even though I've told her that is not our goal. I've distanced myself from that thought enough that my brain/logic find it absolutely frighting to consider being a parent. While at the same time, my emotional side craves being a caregiver and nurturer. I also find myself being very resentful and angry? when I see pregnant women or young children out & about w/ their families.

I have no idea who to talk to about this ~ or how to resolve all the emotions.

**LBTC** · 10-22-2006, 11:35 AM

Hi, Nokomis

This sounds like a painful experience for you, but also that you are taking the right steps for yourself to accept what mother nature has given you. It's never easy to want something you can never have. There are many philosophies and religions that teach the acceptance and love as the answers to everything, you may find some solace there.

From a more practical point of view, there are a number of ways to feed your mothering, nurturing needs. Pets are, for me and my DH, our children. We care for them in many of the ways that human children are cared for, and have a very similar emotional attachment. Even if you have pets, I would understand if this is not enough for you.

My next thought would be to become a big sister. There are also big couples that can be matched to younger brothers or sisters. I haven't been involved in this program, but have heard great things about it from both perspectives.

There are also lots of charitable organizations out there that help people in all stages of life, with all sorts of different issues. These organizations are always looking for more volunteers, and if you stopped in to your local volunteer registry, you may find the perfect organization for you to put your energies into.

Lastly, you may try to do something which I saw in a news article years ago, that they do in Japan. Apparently there childless couples adopt grandchildren! I've been thinking for years that when I'm in my 50's that's likely something I'll try to do. I like the idea of being involved in developing child's life without being ultimately responsible for them!

Thank you for sharing your troubles with us. I'm sending healing energy your way, with lots of hugs and butterflies. We each have a path custom designed for us. You will learn to thrive on your own path!

Namaste,
~T~

**HipGnosis6** · 10-22-2006, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by Nokomis

Ty doc thinks that my cycle issues may be best dealt with by getting pregnant - even though I've told her that is not our goal.

FIND A NEW DOCTOR.

I have PCOS; it is THE leading cause of female infertility and it is often diagnosed by the presence of an irregular menstrual cycle along with insulin resistance or diabetes. Backwards thinking doctors don't know or don't bother to check your sugars or insulin levels in reference to infertility. They also don't know that it is TREATABLE and will often reccomend things like getting pregnant or losing weight as the only way to fix an unknown or improperly diagnosed issue.

If your doctor thinks that getting pregnant will cure your infertility woes, he's clearly one of the people who cheated on his medical exams....

**emily_in_nc** · 10-22-2006, 01:27 PM

Hi Nokomis,

My husband and I went through the whole infertility rollercoaster in my 30s: temperature taking/tracking ovulation, "just relax"ing, getting tested, surgery, and finally, two IVFs, the second of which was successful in getting me pregnant (after 8-9 years of trying)...only to miscarry at 12 weeks. It was the worst emotional pain I'd ever had to go through to that point in my life because I'd wanted the baby *so so* badly.

After many tears, arguments, and discussions, we finally decided "enough". It was very, very hard to do that. It felt like failing, and was a huge loss on so many levels. I went to counseling for awhile, trying to figure out how to live with not being a mother. By this time we were old enough (DH is 7.5 years older than me) that we didn't really want to start the entirely different but similarly emotionally draining adoption roller coaster. We were just tired of it all.

Slowly, ever so slowly, after grieving over the miscarrage and finally deciding not to continue trying, life started being fun again. It took awhile, and there were definite regrets. The loss of a lifelong dream is difficult for a long time, but I miscarried 9 years ago, so I can now speak from a "down the road" perspective.

At 45, I've never been happier or more content in my life. My life is complete even without a child -- 10-15 years ago I could never have believed that. I have wonderful nieces and nephews, but overall am not very "child oriented", preferring to hang out with adults. I have a lot of child-free friends, which helps a lot since they're all happy folks too. I'm getting into so many different activities now (cycling, hiking, mountain biking, gym, running, kayaking, hoping to add backpacking to that list next year) that my mom friends don't have time for since their kids' activities take all their time.

It gets better, I promise. I hope you don't have to walk the childless road if you don't want to, but I didn't want it, and instead of trudging wearily as I was doing years ago, I'm now skipping merrily along it, looking forward to early retirement, traveling, and many happy days ahead. Life is good. Time is an amazing healer and provider of perspective. The infertility roller coaster is all-consuming, but getting off that endless ride and doing some life-affirming things helped me see that there is more to life than trying for what we just can't have, for whatever reason.

All the best to you in whatever path your life takes...

Emily

**CyclChyk** · 10-22-2006, 03:21 PM

Altho I don't know the pain you feel about being unable to conceive I can certainly understand your pain. I wish I had some magic words to say to you in order to keep your hope alive, but all I can do is send you a mental hug.

I have a friend who is undergoing the same things as you. She has been artifically inseminated 3 times. None have taken. She has been on various hormones for well over a year, and tho she has not yet become pregnant she now bears the risk of multiple births when it actually happens, if ever. She has been scraped, proded and poked. She feels like a ginea pig and yet she keeps trying. The expense is unbelievable.

She has confided in me that she feels "defective". Like there is something wrong with her or that she has done something horrible to be unable to conceive when all her peers are turning up pregnant and giving birth. (I know of 5 so far this year). But she is a beautiful person and I know there has to be a higher reason for things to be turning out the way they are.

You are in my prayers.

**Bad JuJu** · 10-22-2006, 04:04 PM

Just another family-without-children woman checking in with my two cents. (By the way, it bugs me the way the word family has been taken over to mean "with kids"--aren't dh and I a family???

)

Anyway, DH and I decided in our early thirties (well, mid-thirties for him) that we did not want to be parents, and mostly we've never looked back. I say "mostly" because he seemed to experience a moment or two of regret (though, oddly, I didn't) a few years ago when I started going through menopause. But it was gone in the wink of an eye. Though it does suggest that you want to try to be pretty sure about your decision.

Like Emily, we're not very kid-oriented, though don't generally dislike children--as some people will think you do if you don't have any. But we aspire to be the best aunt and uncle ever, and have always had dogs. And maybe it's a little different because we've both been teachers, and have had an opportunity to do some nurturing in that sense.

Seems like I've heard there are support groups for the fertility-challenged. You might search the internet. On the other hand, know that life can be fun and happy and marvelously fulfilling, even without having children.

**Geonz** · 10-22-2006, 05:03 PM

I agree about getting a second opinion... a lady I know struggled with infertility for *years* and then got her blood sugar regular and conceived amazingly quickly.
On the other hand, as a childless 46-year-old, I do a *lot* of nurturing that is only possible for me to do because I don't have kids. (I also find that I simply don't feel that anything is missing from my life because there aren't kids... I truly, honestly don't have the urge and have always wondered what it was like - you have my sympathy if not empathy there!)
I do have family, and there is tons of love in my life in little and big ways; I have consciously cultivated close friendships and/or other have cultivated them with me.
And I have my bikes!

Kitsune06 · 10-22-2006, 05:21 PM

GF and I are currently childless.
I don't suspect this will change too soon, but she wants to, someday, and you know... I think I dread and fear this more than anything else in our relationship. I do *not* want to be "that horrible person who left her GF because she couldn't handle parenthood" or likewise "that horrible person" who "wasted" her time by being with her until then, and leaving her single to ponder parenthood with someone she didn't know as well. She says my concerns are 'stupid' and that I'll 'change my mind' once I hit my mid to late 20s... I'm not so sure. I just know how people tend to look back and say "You knew how you felt in the first place- why are you suddenly bringing this up now?!" when the time to make an actual decision on something comes.
I'm just not into kids... and I wish she weren't either, but I can't change that. She says "Well, who will take care of you when you're old?!" ... I will, and my savings will, or no one will... such is life. I'm not going to have a kid to try to change that.

My nurturing needs tend to go toward my pets and my partner.
It's not that I don't think there's enough love in me to go around, but that if I did have a child someday, I would want to adopt... there are a lot of children out there who need that kind of steady, real love... why make my own?
I'm sorry I have no real words of wisdom or experience to give you, except that family is family and love is love. You and your husband don't love each other less for this, and that's *the* most important thing. You two should focus on being happy together, doing things together, and enjoying your lives together.

**CyclChyk** · 10-22-2006, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by Bad JuJu

Anyway, DH and I decided in our early thirties (well, mid-thirties for him) that we did not want to be parents, and mostly we've never looked back............On the other hand, know that life can be fun and happy and marvelously fulfilling, even without having children.

My DH and I as well decided very early in our relationship that we did not want to be parents. Not that kids aren't great, its just they are not great to us unless they belong to someone else. Once in awhile my DH and I will get a twinge of regret for not having a child. But it only lasts for a very small moment.

And I completely agree with JUJU as our life is fun and happy and fulfilling. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I also agree with KIT that adoption is such a great option. I know someone who adopted a baby a year and 1/2 ago and they love that baby as tho it were their own flesh and blood. Sure its expensive, but if you want something badly enough you find a way.

**Steph** · 10-22-2006, 05:48 PM

((((Nokomis))))))
My best friend has struggled with infertility for years. She dreamed of a big family. Even though she did have one child with treatments, she still feels a big void from repeated failures to conceive since then. She is 36 now. Just the other day when I told her about one of our friends who is pregnant at 36 and didn't want to be, she went down that road of feeling left out again. She would like to try the treatment where they put the sp*rm directly into the tubes. She knows that her husbands motility is low. I agree with the other posters about getting 2nd or even a 3rd opinion. I think that for most women there is just something wired in us to want to nurture and love and have children. The feelings you described are feelings I have heard her express so many times. I will pray for you.

**crazybikinchic** · 10-22-2006, 05:53 PM

I was having issues with the not being a mommy. My situation is different. I have a beautiful daughter. She is now in the hands of the Lord. She had a genetic disease that took her young. Don't get me wrong, I had 2 wonderful years that I would not trade for the life of me with her, but she was my 1 in 4 chance of having a child with it. There are other health issues that again are passed to children coming into play here, but my decision to not have more children is as it is. We opted to get a puppy in order to help with the issues that I was facing and I have to say that he has helped a lot. He is like a child in many respects, he demands attention, he loves unconditionally, he is happy to see me when I get home, I also have found a great running partner. I'm not saying he is the cureall, I am saying he has helped. I still don't feel like a mommy and I have my days that I do not deal with it as well, but again, my dog has helped.

**Aggie_Ama** · 10-22-2006, 06:16 PM

I have a "friend" on another board going through the same emotions. She has been open about her struggle for the last two years. One of the things that has really helped was couples therapy. Her husband and her have been able to face the grieving process infertility brings. Just a thought.

**Nokomis** · 10-22-2006, 06:33 PM

thank you all - this is always a supportive & healing place to be!

I am on doc #4, if I include my acupuncturist. This is the first doc who told me she'd take my spotting seriously - but after 3 visists I got the "dont know what to do with you" shrug.

As I tried to convey, I'm doing very well in the day to day & with the life that DH & I have together. The difficulty is baby envy, and watching close friends bring their little ones into the world. I'm also convinced there is a boom - cuz they're everywhere!

We've got the pets, I've done a bunch of volunteering but had to step away this year... but still can't quite let go of the baby dream, for as much as baby fear is keeping me away.

Thanks again & again!

**LBTC** · 10-22-2006, 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by Nokomis

The difficulty is baby envy

Nokomis, your comment about envy reminded me of an excellent article I read in Yoga Journal
http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/1157_1.cfm

I get the sense that you are handling this entire difficult phase with a lot of grace and love. Your posts tell me also that you're ready to seek answers from a higher or deeper source. The road to peace is challenging to each of us with plenty of obstacles all designed to help us learn that which we need to learn most. I have found solace and guidance in the writings of the tao, in the practice and reading about the wisdom of yoga, and a deeper way of thinking in the tarot. I've also found peace, gratitude and joy in the photos I take. (I didn't mention biking here this time, because I'm unable to do it during this phase of my life, so I must rely on my other sources...)

You'll find your ways to deal with this issue in the long term. And whenever you are having difficulty with it, just post again!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

**SheFly** · 10-23-2006, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by Nokomis

As I tried to convey, I'm doing very well in the day to day & with the life that DH & I have together. The difficulty is baby envy, and watching close friends bring their little ones into the world. I'm also convinced there is a boom - cuz they're everywhere!

I, too, have been for a ride on the infertility roller coaster. I always assumed I would have children, and it just wasn't meant to be.

Like you, as we were dealing with our grief over not having a family, it seemed that everyone around us was happily announcing that they were expecting, including our siblings! It really was hard to see and to hear, but I did my best to be happy and supportive of all of them. I think that the hardest thing for me to deal with was a college friend who had a daughter, and then started complaining about lack of sleep, the work, etc - all while KNOWING that I couldn't have children!

I am happy to say, however, that now DH and I are very happy with our lives. We focus on each other and our friends, and we are a great aunt and uncle. About a year ago I was overly late one month and knew that I had crossed a hurdle when my thinking was that I couldn't possibly be pregnant because it would totally affect my lifestyle!

The hardest part of all of this is accepting the hand you are dealt, and moving on. It will be difficult as your friends and family have children. You will grieve, and you will, in time, find yourself in a great place for you.

Best wishes.

SheFly

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