My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? - George Carlin

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner

A good man is hard to find... and a hard man is good to find. - Mae West

Mmmmm... beer. - Homer (Simpson)