'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

[Kano]

Karen - thank you for taking the time to write all your wonderful advice. I think you may be right, about the elephant in the corner of the room being the stress about the move, being jobless, etc...more than the $ex.

You're welcome, kiddo!

Overall, Bf and I are very happy together, and he really is a partner to me, more than I could imagine. We act as a well-oiled team with everything else but...you know what.

It does sound like the two of you make a great team.

Truthfully, I think it worries me MORE that BF doesn't seem to want to have $ex, b/c you're right...all this other stuff on my mind (giving me insomnia to boot) makes me not really want to anyway.

So you're saying neither of you wants it lately -- this means there's no problem!

You're getting along great. You don't want xes, he doesn't want xes, and the only reason it's a problem is because someone on TV says you should want sex. It becomes an issue between you because you're concerned that you're not pleasing him, and when you bring it up, he gets worried that he's failing you, you poor kids!

We "make xes important" as something to enjoy in life, and seem to put great value on it, like, you know, life just isn't good without, but the truth is, xes exists for a reason, and that's not pleasure. That's a really pleasant side effect! I think that the rest of life together is far more important in a lasting relationship and as Dogmama said, sex is the cherry on the sundae!

When did the notion of "every guy goes to strip clubs, and looks at porn all the time" become acceptable? They were talking about it this morning on the radio, and I'm thinking...

This is a new aspect of the thread -- is he looking, or is this just related to the radio story?

I don't know about this porn stuff, it's been around forever -- let's face it, guys can look at National Geographic and see porn! And as long as women are willing to show their stuff, guys are going to look. Doesn't mean they're going to act on it, just like we don't necessarily act on it when we see some great eye candy.

what is the trick for taking emotion out of the act? Maybe that's what I need to do? Don't know that I can though. cheri

Nope, taking the emotion out of it's not the answer. Well, you could, but then it's just sex, and you might as well be getting paid for it. I'm pretty sure that's not what you're interested in. He's not interested in that either.

Karen in Boise

[Kitsune06]

I don't know about this porn stuff, it's been around forever -- let's face it, guys can look at National Geographic and see porn! And as long as women are willing to show their stuff, guys are going to look. Doesn't mean they're going to act on it, just like we don't necessarily act on it when we see some great eye candy.

Nope, taking the emotion out of it's not the answer. Well, you could, but then it's just sex, and you might as well be getting paid for it. I'm pretty sure that's not what you're interested in. He's not interested in that either.

Karen in Boise

DGF likes pr0n a lot... it gets her in the mood sometimes; she's pretty visual. As for me- I can't unless it's something spontaneous. She can plan all she likes, but her plans are going to fizzle if it's not 'there' for me. Likewise, she can plan a night of movie watching, but if something strikes me about the way her new jeans look on her hips or the way the TV's glow illuminates her profile, there's going to be lots of movie not-watching going on.

She's had a hard time with it, but I think what's working for her is just going on an inclination. if she wants to for a little bit but then thinks "oh, well it's an early morning/the neighbors might hear/we should watch this movie" etc... she's learning to filter out what's a real valid reason *not* to, and what's a good thing to ignore, when it'll be fun anyway. *shrug*

Me, I can be considered a purist, maybe a prude in some circles. I don't especially like pr0n but if she likes it, hey, I can stand it for awhile... but the emotion *has* to be there, it cues the spontinaety. Otherwise, yeah, I might as well be paid for it... and that's a lot of work if you don't enjoy it. With anti-depressants, we accept that sometimes there'll be nights that things don't 'happen' (not to go into too much detail) or that it'll happen, but it takes an hour or three to get there. I just say "It's all the longer I get to enjoy you."

It's important for you to be able to trust that your lover won't get tired of it before you do. ...my ex fell asleep once. I was on Depo and couldn't get things to 'happen' for anything in the world... and he fell asleep. it hurt a lot. DGF worries, but she has no reason to. I work long hours.

Probably all TMI, but I think I give the best info from personal experience, so if you learned too much about me, try to forget? I dunno...

Then again, my ex and I worked quite well as companions, but not so well 'that way'... but we both recognized it as an issue (he didn't get what he wanted, I didn't get what I wanted) so we parted ways... but he's still like a brother to me; I love him to death... but I'm happier with my mate.