'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

[Kitsune06]

After my pm...
I think it's a very mental thing, and women do have a pressure to perform 'right'. Also, after not having been active for awhile, it can be important to reassure your partner that "Yes, I'd like to" if you're in the mood so he doesn't feel like he's going to get excited for nothing.

I tend to be in the "2x day or 2x month" category... though I'm wildly attracted to my SO and would be thrilled with as much attention as I could get and still... y'know... leave the house, remember to eat/sleep/go to work...?

situation with exh was very different. Not attracted, and couldn't care if it was 1x/week, or 1x/month. Too much pressure to perform, too little interest, etc etc you know the story....

I'm saying also that if there's an elephant in the corner to that degree, and he's fighting with you that much, you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. Women say that 'Men don't talk, that's a woman thing'. That's a stereotype that needs to be done away with. Men have vocal cords and brains and can learn how to speak about their problems, at least to their partner. If they can't, they don't deserve to have that partner, IMHO. That's harsh, I know, but men need to freakin' speak up and open up about their problems and insecurities (at least to the one woman in their life who is actively involved in that part of their life) because hiding behind that stereotype will only lead to problems.

Long rant short, the key to any good relationship is a solid, solid base of communication. If you can't be his best friend, and talk about *everything* with him, you shouldn't be with him. If he's not one of those buddies you can go to about everything from the way "this ingrown hair here is bugging the h*ll out of you on your saddle" to "So-and-so was a jerk today and yelled at me! The nerve!" to "You know... about our love life..." Then you don't have the sheer foundation that will last.

Maybe someone who's had longer relationships than I will dispute this, but I'm saying you need to be able to discuss everything. The days of 'woman problems' and men 'not wanting to hear about it' died (or should have) in the 50's-60's with dear old codgers who, while totally loving each other, don't actually talk about anything deeper than the weather.

That and about $3 will buy you something cheap and comforting at Starbucks.

[margo49]

Another 2c from an "old" lady just past her 31st anniversary:
That honeymoon feeling comes and goes over the years. Gone for now is not gone forever. Sometimes it catches me unawares and suddenly ..... turns me on. And then other times ... I'd rather sleep.

Hear, hear
(21 years with SO and counting)

The things that turn you on uncontrollably (as opposed to just turn you on) never change.

[ClockworkOrange]

Hi cherinyc

U gotta talk hun, something we can all be guilty of not doing enough to our partner.

Also talk about things that do it for you............. Might seem a scary thing to do but also listen to him.

Even get back to basics..........might be real fun. It can be fun for us oldies too........



Good luck.



Sally

[Kitsune06]

Yargh! My eyes!

[esther231]

Rofl

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Aghhh!!! Make scary lady go away!!!!!

[cherinyc]

Honestly - very scary cartoon lady.

See the thing is - we DO talk about everything. Irritable bowel, saddle irritation, so-and-so looked at me funny and I wanna kick there @$$, etc etc. We are very open about things that make him my best friend....except the 1 thing.
I think that I scare easily too. I'm kind of a "learned my lesson the first time" kind of girl. Get a bad reaction once, and I'm unlikely to forget what got me there. I shy away from conflict, so my problem, I guess, is that I want to bring up the subject - but not sure how. I really thought I was approaching it gently the last time, but....it obviously wasn't as effective as I'd hoped for.
Goodness. Between work, the upcoming move, finding time to cycle, money issues, etc....my intestines feel like one big knot. Seriously, my lower abdomen has been making so much noise lately - and at work too. It's embarassing. I am pretty stressed out (though staying composed) so could be that after the move, etc...things may just snap into place. Our free time gets spent talking about all that we have to do - it's hard to talk about anything else. We're similar in that way - hard time relaxing when there's things that need to be done.
I really appreciate all the advice I have gotten. It really helps to hear other's perspectives, their past/present situations. When you don't have a lot of friends, and rely on fake realities - it's hard to ever feel normal, you know?
Thank you thank you thank you - to all of you!

[colby]

I would guess part of your problem IS the stress. When my husband and I get stressed out, we tend to pull inward and it can really drive a wedge between us, unintentionally. We work in the same place, too (a small, quickly growing, fast paced software company), so our stressful times unfortunately tend to align. Being together just feels like another task to add to the list that we'll never get to, don't have time for, and a zillion other excuses.

Eventually we finally get to the edge, admit that we're both feeling this way, vow to try again and do better next time, and it all starts over. Every time it happens, it happens so gradually, but I see myself in a very similar position to the one you describe many times before. Over time, it has gotten better, but it's something we have to work on together, even if one of us has a more stressful job or copes with stress better. Managing stress is no simple task -- ironic that just keeping tabs on stress is stressful!

We have also found that making time for us to set aside our lives, if even for an hour, has helped. A weekend where we are by ourselves, a picnic, a bike ride together, a movie... just something that lets us reset and be together by ourselves. It doesn't have to lead to sex, but it can bring back some of the closeness that gets you one step further.

You'll make it, I'm sure -- even coming here and talking about it is a huge step in the right direction. Good luck!

[ClockworkOrange]

Yargh! My eyes!

Aghhh!!! Make scary lady go away!!!!!

Honestly - very scary cartoon lady.

Really did not mean the animated pic to offend, so have deleted it.

Hope I am forgiven?

Sally

[quint41]

In the first place, and getting back to your original post -- you can thank our friendly media (movies, books, magazines, TV, music, the whole shebang) for making everyone think that we're not normal if we are not having sex 3.2 times per week!! As you can see from these postings, it is simply not true for most normal couples!!

I'm not even going to talk about how the two of you need to talk, see your doctor, etc., etc. Everyone is right on with that stuff.

You said at one point that you wouldn't even know how to get it started now because you haven't done it in so long (and believe me, 4 months is by no means any kind of record!) Try this: light a couple of candles in the bedroom and put on some music. Go find him, take his hand and just lead him through the house in that direction. If he starts to ask what's going on, just "shhhh" him and keep walking. When you get to your destination and kiss him, it's a done deal. Tada! The ice is broken.

Many posts have mentioned that for us women, it's almost all a mental thing, and I fully believe that! Have you read Mars/Venus? The guy who wrote that knows it, too. We need the whole emotional stimulation thing, men don't. All they need is the visual and they are on their way. CBF probably needs to kick it up a notch in that department, too, wooing you the way he used to, being romantic, noticing how attractive you are, etc. They forget. What do YOU like? Sex in the morning better than at night? Was it fun to go parking way back when? Do you find camping kind of sexy? Whatever it is, write it down on slips of paper and make a game out of it once a week -- pull a piece of paper out of the jar and tell him "I want to do this." Oh, I guarantee he'll be racing for the sleeping bag. You both win.

Bottom line, I'm divorced, I thought there was something wrong with me, too. I'm single now and can tell you that it's still there, it just didn't get the proper care and feeding for a while there!

Good luck!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Really did not mean the animated pic to offend, so have deleted it.

Hope I am forgiven?

Sally

Of COURSE you are!!

[Dogmama]

Stress is a killer. If it were something you could see under a microscope, we'd be spending millions to eradicate it. Stress affects sleep. Constant fatigue makes us stressed. Vicious circle. Can't think, can't remember things, easily irritated. That isn't even touching the physical things. Oh - and it can MAKE YOU FAT!

I'm a perfectionist too. Except that, things are never really perfect - there could be "one more tweak" here or there...and then another...and then another. That, alone is a huge stressor.

Given all of this - how could your libido NOT be affected? We're supposed to relax & let go during sex. Relax & let go??? What is that???

I've done therapy around my stress & perfectionism. A good therapist is wonderful. Two books really helped me: Undoing Perpetual Stress by Richard O'Connor and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Bourne.

My job is my stressor. I take a tiny bit of an antidepressant (another side effect of stress & perfectionism coupled with my broken brain) and when I need it, a really tiny speck of Ativan (.125mg, you can barely see it.) I went for years saying that I would not accept chemical help because it was for sissies, I needed to handle my own problems, how else will I learn, blah blah blah. I finally was convinced by a psychiatrist and a couple of good friends that I was spiraling down fast & needed help. The Ativan doesn't make me stupid, sleepy or anything like that. I removes the constant hum in my brain that tells me I'll never be good enough, I can't handle this, etc. It allows me to step back from my problems, breathe, and handle things one-by-one.

Handle your stress & I bet your libido comes back.

Regarding having sex 2-3X week, that is a myth. It is one of those statistics that do not hold up in real life. Most married people have sex ~3-4X month. Don't beat yourself up.

Regarding men not talking - I agree, they should but they don't. Especially when you're talking about Mr. Winky (why do they always name their organ?). I have an incredible, loving and close relationship - but when I bring up this subject, all rationality flies out the window. I don't think my relationship is tainted because of it. I just accept it, talk about it in a loving manner, e.g., "I love you - this has nothing to do with you - it is my problem" and let it go. In my case, it is DH with the problem, brought on as a result of chemo. I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.

[ClockworkOrange]

Of COURSE you are!!

That's cool........

Sally

[Kano]

I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.

Dogmama -- this is SO perfectly stated!



Cheri -- something I noticed in your most recent post in this thread -- your big question is HOW to talk with him, yes? IMO, since he gets very defensive when you bring things up, or react, it sounds like you may need to take special care in how you word things. Perhaps I'm especially blessed in that mine drives me crazy with making me rethink and restate things when we get to talking about the important stuff. He seems to really want to be sure he knows what I mean when I'm saying something -- and I think he wants to be sure I have thought out what I'm saying too, and know just what I'm trying to get across! (never mind that you can look at the sky and say it's blue, get out the spectrometer and measure the blueness before you declare that it's blue, cuz without positive evidence, it could be yellow! is the way his mind works) Yes, when I'm in a mood, this can be very frustrating, but it does wind up helping things work out.

Sometimes, what we're pretty sure comes out of our mouths isn't what our listener hears -- knowing Earl, he might ask me to clarify even this statement! Like I say, I have this feeling I live with an unusual sort of man!



We started this thread with you asking about your xes life, or lack of it. I sense that the elephant in your living room isn't xes so much as your impending move. Our impression is that BF is excited about it: it sounds like he knows the area, has friends there, maybe a job lined up already, etc. On the other hand, you maybe haven't been there before, don't know the people he knows, nor do you know anyone else in the area. Plus, you don't have a job lined up yet...

I get the sense that you really want to make this move with him, but you're scared out of your wits! I don't know how long you've been where you are - geographic location - but if you're looking at leaving family, friends, etc. that you've been close to for your entire life, along with the "extracurriculars" that you've put into your life (gym, bike routes, girl scout cookie mom) and going somewhere you've never been, well, yeah, that's taking your kids, dogs and cats, loading them into the minivan on a 60-below zero Thursday morning and moving from Minnesota to Idaho!

This is huge trauma, Cheri! It was a big step for Earl and I, who had a 17 year commitment under our belts, and I think it may be an even bigger one for the two of you -- who, in many ways, are still getting to know each other.


Let's not worry about sex for now. If he's not out shopping, then he's okay, and probably understands more than you realize. It sounds like he's not volunteering any information, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's just as worried about this move as you are -- will he do well in this new job? (or if he doesn't have that lined up yet....) Heck, he's uprooting you, and maybe he's worried about how you'll transplant too!

Let's talk with BF about this move. And yes, this needs to be done rather carefully too. I'm blessed, but yours sounds like he's not real good with the "hot button" communication yet. When we talk, it's important that he NOT hear, "I'm afraid to move to Colorado with YOU" or "moving to Colorado with YOU scares me."

I think he needs to hear that you're looking forward to going with him first and foremost, but that you'll miss your old life. AND WHY -- it's been so nice to live close to mom, I'm going to miss seeing her a couple of times a week, that sort of thing. (I don't know that you live right by mom or not, but you know what I mean, yes?) It's important that he understand your concerns about staying with his friends when you visit soon -- I'm GUESSING that your feeling that "it would be a madhouse" was more a feeling of not wanting to impose on people you don't know? If that's the case, maybe letting him know how eager you are to meet and get to know his friends and their families, but that you feel uncomfortable imposing on them before you know them a little better is the way to approach this particular situation.

I know this conversation has happened already -- and it sounds like you feel uncomfortable with the way it turned out. He probably does too. Maybe you can gently revisit it, something like "honey, I feel badly about a conversation we had lately, and I'd like to talk about it. Remember when we talked about the trip to Colorado to find a place and I said -- PLEASE LET ME FINISH, I'M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE (if he gets bothered and seems to not want to listen) -- that I thought it would be a madhouse? I think what I meant to say came out wrong and I know it upset you, and I want to explain what I meant..."

First thing to remember: don't start something like this while he's in the middle of his favorite TV show (or other special activity), or when he's gone to bed and is really tired, ready to sleep (Earl HATES that!) or he's in a foul mood after a long nasty day at work, or whatever. Make sure it's an okay time to talk with him!

Something I try to say OFTEN in any sensitive conversation I'm having with someone who really matters to me is "I could be saying this all wrong" and "I'm not sure how to word this" and that sort of thing -- I know I sometimes word things hurtfully when I don't mean to. Reminding the other person that I'm not trying to be nasty and requesting that if they're not sure what I meant, please ask. I use a lot of "does this make sense?" and "do you understand what I mean?" too, it seems. (it can be really hard in writing -- I write, erase, write, erase, write, go do something else, read, erase, write.....)

Someone mentioned that guys seem to like to fix things -- they're not good at just talking about them and getting things off your and their chests. If you can keep your head together enough to communicate that you'd like his help in easing the fears you have about YOUR move -- remember to emphasize that you're excited to go with him (yes?) but nervous about the new environment and all you're leaving behind (right?) and would LOVE his help in getting over this. Please show me things we have to look forward to when we live in Colorado -- Do you think there will be time for you and your friends show me good places to ride my bike? How about time to find your new favorite sports bar, dear? (substitute his favorite activity here, we need to be interested in what he's going to be doing in Colorado too!) Ask him -- Can he help you update your resume? That counts as fixing to a guy, and can be used as a gentle lead in to discussion about how nervous you may be about looking for a new job when you get to Colorado. Something my husband once said, when we were still fairly new, was that fixing what was bothering me can help him with what's bothering him too -- so you could wind up helping each other!

Heck, I've run out of steam -- please, ask me if I've been confusing!

Karen in Boise

[Meaux]

cherinyc-
I completely understand what you're going through. A combination of birth control, anti-depressants and an incredibly high stress job have completely killed my libido. And I haven't even been married a year. Hope you manage to work through all of this. It's frustrating to deal with a lack of libido on top of everything else.