'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

[Dogmama]

Stress is a killer. If it were something you could see under a microscope, we'd be spending millions to eradicate it. Stress affects sleep. Constant fatigue makes us stressed. Vicious circle. Can't think, can't remember things, easily irritated. That isn't even touching the physical things. Oh - and it can MAKE YOU FAT!

I'm a perfectionist too. Except that, things are never really perfect - there could be "one more tweak" here or there...and then another...and then another. That, alone is a huge stressor.

Given all of this - how could your libido NOT be affected? We're supposed to relax & let go during sex. Relax & let go??? What is that???

I've done therapy around my stress & perfectionism. A good therapist is wonderful. Two books really helped me: Undoing Perpetual Stress by Richard O'Connor and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Bourne.

My job is my stressor. I take a tiny bit of an antidepressant (another side effect of stress & perfectionism coupled with my broken brain) and when I need it, a really tiny speck of Ativan (.125mg, you can barely see it.) I went for years saying that I would not accept chemical help because it was for sissies, I needed to handle my own problems, how else will I learn, blah blah blah. I finally was convinced by a psychiatrist and a couple of good friends that I was spiraling down fast & needed help. The Ativan doesn't make me stupid, sleepy or anything like that. I removes the constant hum in my brain that tells me I'll never be good enough, I can't handle this, etc. It allows me to step back from my problems, breathe, and handle things one-by-one.

Handle your stress & I bet your libido comes back.

Regarding having sex 2-3X week, that is a myth. It is one of those statistics that do not hold up in real life. Most married people have sex ~3-4X month. Don't beat yourself up.

Regarding men not talking - I agree, they should but they don't. Especially when you're talking about Mr. Winky (why do they always name their organ?). I have an incredible, loving and close relationship - but when I bring up this subject, all rationality flies out the window. I don't think my relationship is tainted because of it. I just accept it, talk about it in a loving manner, e.g., "I love you - this has nothing to do with you - it is my problem" and let it go. In my case, it is DH with the problem, brought on as a result of chemo. I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.