Depression and cycling

[spazzdog]

It took me a very long time to agree to meds... I knew I was depressed, but believed I could 'do it on my own'.

After a broken relationship, I sank lower and lower, doing the dance with ideas of suicide, never leaving the house except for work, stopped exercising, etc. Work was a kind of oasis, believe it or not.

Then that changed. A new mgr, a new colleague and over the next year, all went to hell in a handbasket. From Nov 2002 until May 2003 I got more and more depressed. Panic attacks, went down to 108 lbs (I'm 5'7"), slept maybe 2 hrs per week. My therapist cld my doctor... I went to see doctor. 1) Together, they pulled me out of work on disability. 2) I was put on Celexa and sleeping pills.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder... it is doubtful that I will ever be able to return to work in my field or any other. I can't be around people (in person) anymore. This website, up to now, is my 'social' life.

The meds help... therapy helps. And now cyling is helping. My therapist gave me homework... try to go on a group ride. It took me 2 weeks but I went on one today. I'm going to try to go on one each weekend.

I'm thankful for the group here... I don't feel so cut off.

Thanks! Spazz

[Trek420]

spazzdog wrote:
"...The meds help... therapy helps. And now cyling is helping. My therapist gave me homework... try to go on a group ride. It took me 2 weeks but I went on one today. I'm going to try to go on one each weekend.

I'm thankful for the group here... I don't feel so cut off."

welcome to the group spazz, you'll find this is a suportive group.

It's not something I talk about with anyone really, even very close friends but I've been there, done that, there was no depression t-shirt ;-)

I'm just not gonna go there about how bad it was. I feel that meds, even briefly may allow one to do the work, mentaly, emotionaly, workout wise, diet-nutrition, spiritualy etc that brought me back anywayz.

Good for you for going on a group ride.

~Trek

[spazzdog]

Trel420 wrote:

It's not something I talk about with anyone really, even very close friends but I've been there, done that, there was no depression t-shirt

That's what it's all missing... a derned T-shirt! I figure treat it with irreverense, bluff it with levity, laugh at it once you've cried the old tear ducs dry.

I've considered printing some up with slogans like:

-better living through chemistry
-O.K. - who ate all the good anti-depressants
-in recovery... from recovery

And, lest I forget, thanks for the support trek420.

[Trek420]

spazzdog wrote:

"That's what it's all missing... a derned T-shirt! I figure treat it with irreverense, bluff it with levity, laugh at it once you've cried the old tear ducs dry."

No, I don't mean to make light, it wasn't funny in the midst of it, looking back there were no moments of "someday we'll look back on this and laugh". Even now I am thankfull that I (and we here?) emerged with sense of humor intact or emerged at all. Prob'bly some good cartoon material in there somewhere as well as your t-shirts.

"I've considered printing some up with slogans like:
-better living through chemistry
-O.K. - who ate all the good anti-depressants
-in recovery... from recovery"

-"give me the chocolate and no one gets hurt" has been done ;-)

"And, lest I forget, thanks for the support trek420."

de nada, anytime

[Irulan]

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder..

Thanks! Spazz [/B]

it is treatable, just hang in there and do the work. Even when it hurts. I've btdt that with PTSD, spent a couple of years in a survivors' group, and slowly moved back to functioning.

Irulan

[bounceswoosh]

spazz --

sometimes it's amazing to me how many people have dealt with serious depression. A lot of your story sounds familiar to me, though to a lesser degree. I didn't lose quite as much weight (did get asked if I had an eating disorder by coworkers, though). I couldn't sleep until I'd played video games to exhaustion to get my brain to shut down; various feelings about the breakup left me miserable about myself.

I finally saw a therapist and a psychiatrist, but oddly enough, the thing that seemed to work was to make the mistake of getting back together with my ex. He had turned into a right bastard, and my anger at what he put me through the second time around has burned away any feeling of guilt or regret. I just hope, for his sake, that I never lay eyes on him again.

Life is weird. I'm glad that things are getting better for you. It's great that this board can be a safe place for you. I think it's a safe place for a lot of us, in different ways.

I hope I'm not being too intrusive by offering you a hug. *hug*

[Trek420]

hope I'm not being too intrusive either, (((((((( group hug ))))))))

[Adventure Girl]

Originally posted by spazzdog
From Nov 2002 until May 2003 I got more and more depressed. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder... it is doubtful that I will ever be able to return to work in my field or any other. I can't be around people (in person) anymore. This website, up to now, is my 'social' life.

I'm thankful for the group here... I don't feel so cut off.

You have shown that you are a lot stronger than you think you are! When you're at a low point in your life, it is difficult to see how much you have accomplished, but from your description here, you're tougher than you let on. After the broken relationship, the only thing that kept you going was work. But when that crashed, you still didn't give in!

You say you can't be around people anymore, but you've accomplished a big step in going on a group ride. And you say that this website is your "social" life, but you've only been a member for a week! You survived a long time without TE! Survival isn't the same as thriving, but it's a lot better than defeat!

Sometimes you have to consider maintaining your position as a victory! A line from a Bruce Springsteen song: "Like soldiers in the winter's night with a vow to defend
No retreat, baby, no surrender!"

Dig down deep. Your bag of tricks is deeper than you realize!

[trekchic]

As far as relationships go, none are easy. I accept that fact... there's no perfect people on this earth.......if you are perfect, please identify yourself so I can worship you in person!

I am speaking from a broken heart, and from an angry heart when I say this! I know later in life, I'll look back on these feelings and retract this statement:

When I put my happiness in someone else's hands.......I set myself up for pain. When I base my future on someone else's actions, reactions or involvement........I set myself up for pain. When it's all said and done........it's just me and my God at the end of the day! I have to learn to live like that and not let ANYONE else be so involved in my happiness that it shatters when they let me down. And everyone WILL let me down at some point in our relationship. It's inevitable.......I'll let others down. I just have to learn how to put it all in perspective!

Some of you know about the past year and how hard it has been for me......... well, I was just beginning to see the light between the trees. I was just beginning to let go of the cause of my pain. I hadn't cried in at least 2 weeks! Milestone! I am right back where I started: I am part owner of a business with my father and my brother. (DON'T GO INTO BUSINESS WITH YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS......IT WILL RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP) My brother and I have the daily responsibility of running the business and my father has the responsibility of making our lives hell! We have 10 employees on the payroll and this week, I have to let everyone go and try to sell the business! My brother and I questioned some decisions that were made without consulting with us (it started out as a partnership, now it's a dictatorship) and my father took his money and support and left the business! We have to make payroll, he has spent all of the money hiring new people, giving people raises and moving people to other cities to start a new territory.........now we're out of money and my brother and I get to be the BAD GUYS!

See, I have learned from this experience that no one gets this much trust from me again that I would stake my future on them! I can't count on my father to do what's right, and I have to clean up the mess for it!

Talk about being in the depths of depression..............I can't see the light of day.........again! But this time, instead of being sad.... I am MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

Thanks for letting me spout off!
Kim in TN

[bounceswoosh]

Sometimes, anger can be a powerful tool. I'll take angry over sad any day. As the incomparable Ani says, "Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right."

And to fish out another quote from the millions of great lines she has,

we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and f**k and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke


Trust, love, these are risks -- just like riding a bike is a risk, whether you're risking collisions with other vehicles or with the mountainside. Each of us has to choose the level and type of risks we're willing to take.

After my ex betrayed me, I couldn't imagine putting my trust in someone again. But here I am, happily married, with the guy who got me into mountain biking =) No, he's not perfect, but he makes me happy. And sure, sometimes he drives me crazy. I realized after that nasty breakup -- I can love anyone; the trick is to find someone worthy of my love.

As my mom has told me many, many times, you can be far more lonely in the wrong relationship than you could ever be alone.

Erm, I just woke up -- excuse the babbling.

[Irulan]

Originally posted by bounceswoosh
[B]Sometimes, anger can be a powerful tool. I'll take angry over sad any day.

I think that acknowledgeing and expressing the anger, processing it is the key to a lot of healing. Many times we don't even know we are angry: we were to busy just trying to survive, or we didn't learn emotions, or weren't allowed to have them etc. etc. Once you can find that anger and start to dig it out and root it out like a noxious weed, sometimes with the help of a good professional, life WILL get better.

Irulan

[Dogmama]

Putting my happiness in somebody else's hands rather than finding it within is similar to buying a bag of pre-cut lettuce or buying a head of organic lettuce. The pre-cut lettuce is a little phoney, who knows what chemicals are in there to make it fresh & you always get some rotten leaves at the bottom of the bag! Organic is fresh and wholesome. You have to work a little to make a salad, but you know you're feeding your body (soul/spirit) something that is truley good.

I've been treated for clinical depression & PTSD too. Thank God for anti-depressents. My brain chemistry is skewed for many reasons - most of them self induced when I was young & dumb. I liken antidepressents to insulin for a diabetic. You'd never tell a diabetic to "tough it out - get over it!."

[Trek420]

bounceswoosh wrote: "....anger can be a powerful tool. I'll take angry over sad any day."

I think that especially for women sometimes depression is anger turned inward. That was true of the major emotional trauma some years back.

An 11 year relationship ended a year ago, and I've gotten pretty much in touch with my anger, sure, lots of other feelings as well and I'm doin't the work but .... sometimes living well is the best revenge ;-) And I'm choosing to live well.

[maryellen]

ano, albeit belated, voice here for better living through chemistry. I started lexapro last year and what a difference it makes. Then I learned to ride a few months later and what a difference that has made!!!! Even though my partner isn't thrilled with me disappearing for most of the day on weekends, she knows it makes me happy, so it's ok with her.

[kpc]

I've been off the board lately because of a sad familly situation. My 17 month old granddaughter died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was already having cyclic mood problems, so now I'm off to see a physician. I still find riding helpful, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I want to know if those of you with antidepressants have had side effects, such as unwanted weight gain.