Obsessive?

[HillSlugger]

Last night my partner, Michele, and my kids were out to dinner while I was at my son's "back to school" night. Their conversation came around to the topic of my new bicycle. My son feels that my bike, and my biking, is the most important thing in my life and that the three of them are taking a back seat to it. Michele is in agreement.

I was shocked and hurt. Yes, I've been admittedly preoccupied with wanting a new bike and figuring out how to finance it, but I don't see how that took any time away from my family or caused them any harm. As it's been said, however, "perception is reality". I do most of my biking in the morning before they are even awake. It's my way of staying active and fit. I was hoping that my dedication to riding-as-exercise was setting a good example for my kids.

I think I'll quit looking for any more organized rides for this season.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Nicole

[doc]

I know what you're talking about, only I'm lucky. My husband and kids definitely think I ride "too much". But they seem to (I hope I'm right) accept it as who I am. My husband in fact knows that if he restricts my riding he will have a caged and angry tiger instead of a wife. I literally can't help it. So he is very willing to have a calm happy person for 2-4 fewer hours. Even though I occassionally disappear for the weekend.

[spokewench]

What your family needs to understand is that everyone in the family needs their own down time or alone time (or biking time). If they don't get it, if you don't get it, it is not a healthy relationship. Your health and activity level is important also so they need to understand your needs as well as theirs.

So, I wouldn't stop riding by any means, but I would definitely sit down as a family and talk about the health benefits, the need for some time out and alone, or to do things that each individual in the family finds joy and passion in.

I'm sure that everyone in your family has those things in their life an understanding of that and reasonable expectations realizing that is all part of being in a family relationship!

[mimitabby]

how old is your son?
(is your partner using your son to get to you?)

[Kalidurga]

Most people at some point find something that they become passionate about. For a short while, it may very well become the most important thing in her/his life. The thing to be remembered by that person's loved ones, though, is that one day the same thing could happen to them. When and if it does, they'd want the person in question to understand and be happy that they've found something they love so much, wouldn't they?

It's great that you have the kind of relationship with your son in which he wants to be with you. If he becomes a typical teen as he grows up, that could certainly change! In the meantime, though, I would hope that your family can realize that you're excited about your new bike and the sport of cycling and that as that excitement levels out, you'll come back to them.

[midgetcycler]

Is it possible to include them in the cycling? Or are they totally not interested? It could be something they up enjoying as much as you do and then you could make part of your cycling time "family cycling time."

By organized rides are you talking charity rides or neighborhood group rides? Can they join in on those too? Most charity rides have "family discounts" because the price does get quite steep if 4 people from the same family want to join in the fun.

It sounds like a family meeting is in order. I think everyone would benefit from openly discussing their feelings AND possible solutions to the situation. As long as the feeling of the discussion stays on "what do we need to do to keep this family happy" rather than how each person feels slighted by the other, it should be a very constructive meeting that everyone comes out of feeling a little bit better.

Good luck!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I second what spokewench said. Sit down and talk with them about how everyone needs their own time and their own passion in their life, especially if it is something that is good for them. Maybe they are just afraid that you are going to be spending less and less time with them. Maybe you can all agree on a compromise schedule that you can all be happy with. The solution has to be a compromise, not go all one person's way.

[lauraelmore1033]

I think it is a positive thing that your son has the interior resources to identify something that concerns him and that he felt secure enough to articulate it to you, rather than "acting out". I think that is an indication that mom is doing really well in the mothering department.

[Cassandra_Cain]

here-here! to what Lisa and Spokewench both mentioned.

You really do need your alone time and your own interests. Not just for fun but just for your sanity and to stay healthy as well as upbeat. You should be excited about things, why not? having a family should not preclude you from that!

I bet if you talk about it with your loved ones that an understanding can be reached.

[HillSlugger]

how old is your son?
(is your partner using your son to get to you?)

My son turns 15 in November. He's at the point in adolescence where friend activities are starting to take precendence over family activities.

I think that part of the reason this upsets me so much is that I'm always there for his passions: baseball and hockey, getting him to the early morning ice times and attending almost every game. Let me tell you, very few parents attend the games, UNTIL it goes to the playoffs, then they come out of the woodwork. I'm there day after day!

No, DP is not using my son. She's more than capable of voicing her own opinion and rarely hesitant to do so.

By organized rides are you talking charity rides or neighborhood group rides? Can they join in on those too?

I'm talking some charity rides and some bike club rides.

My daughter is turning 10 and not yet off of training wheels. She gets afraid of the speed and backs off. My son knows how to ride but is not really interested in it. DP used to be an avid rider herself but 3 knee surgeries have left her unable to pedal. So, riding is a solo activity for me. However, DP was once a professional photographer and enjoys volunteering as an event photographer. Tomorrow, my son will also try his hand as photographer. So, in a way, this is a family event.

Thanks for all of your support and understanding!

[mimitabby]

when my sons were 15, they didn't really want much to do with me at all.
that's why i asked those questions.

[esther231]

I think it depends on how he said it.

Was it just an observation? Or he was angry or hurt when he said it?

World of difference between the two.

People have lots of things and people in their life they love.

But it seems to me, as long as he knows you're be there in a heartbeat if he needs you or wants to just spend more time with you, he'd be fine with you and your biking. If he doesn't know it, then you need to figure out how to let him know it.

[Kano]

My daughter was somewhere in that age range when "suddenly" I wasn't at home every day when she got home from school anymore. I'd been an at-home mom, also there for all the dance classes, gymnastics, and whatever, then once she was in junior high, I started teaching sewing type classes once in a while, and working one day a week at a local sewing machine dealership. It never interfered with taking her to stuff, but sometimes I wasn't there when she got home.

She had this "undefined mad" going on for a few weeks, and then one day, came and apologized: I finally figured out why I've been cranky Mom. I've been mad at you for doing your own thing, and suddenly I realized that you deserve to have a life too, just like the rest of us! And then she wasn't bothered by my doing stuff away from home anymore...

Maybe your biking is new enough that he's just not adjusted to it being part of your life now?

Karen in Boise

[margo49]

[QUOTE=doc] My husband in fact knows that if he restricts my riding he will have a caged and angry tiger instead of a wife. I literally can't help it. So he is very willing to have a calm happy person for 2-4 fewer hours QUOTE]

ditto here

If anyone (SO or others) say *anything* even remotely like this my response is "Quick! Where's the GPS! Looks like we have been beamed over to Teheran . DD,Grab a hijab! " My tone of voice varies according to the perceived seriousness of the situation - sometimes humour, sometimes satire, sometimes anger

[ladyfish]

Yep, I think a lot of families expect certain things from each individual. If you are the "be there" parent then that's how they see you. When you do something else, then they might feel slighted, even though you are "still there" for them. It's one of those growing things.

I hope I don't run into that. I've always had things that were a priority for me (usually exercise related). Hopefully my kids see that as a positive thing, not a negative. I am the one that is always there for all of their events. They don't even think twice if DH isn't there, because he usually isn't. Why is that? Shouldn't they be missing him more at most events, than missing me at a single one I can't make.

Ah, life, if it was easy we'd want it to be harder.