'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

[jsgeneroso]

Cherinyc,

You are perfect and beautiful just the way your are!!! We all are.

btw. I sent you a private msg.

[cherinyc]

[QUOTE=bcipam]Cher...
Life's not perfect, be grateful for what you have. Give him a big hug, snuggle up and tell him you love him dearly and see what happens. Many would love to be in your shoes, lack of sex drive and all...
QUOTE]

the thing is, is that I am actually fine w/o having s--. I guess I just thought that something was wrong with me if I was okay w/o it.
And w/ regards to talking to bf about it, I brought it up - very timidly - a few months ago, and bf flippppppeeed out! I swear his poor little head got things so twisted around - I was just happy we made it through w/ out breaking up - and that was from me doing everything I could think of to calm him down. He got REALLY REALLY defensive - said I was calling him a bad person, etc etc. It was nuts.
I don't think we've had s-- since, and I am too afraid to bring it up.
Other than that though - we don't really fight. I know what his....fragile areas are - he's on the anal side, but he knows it, and tries to keep it at bay.
Still....I really hate fighting. Me and Ex were lucky to go 2 days w/o a fight, and that was rare.

[ColleenT]

i am sorry he is so defensive. it really makes it difficult for you. my own husband who is a saint, sometimes, he feels like i am rejecting him, and really, i am just rejecting sex. But it still hurts him, which in turn hurts me. so i usually end up crying when he takes it the wrong way or he seems to be angry at the situation. as i have told him over and over, i think it hurts ME more than him..b/c i am the "failure". i am the defective one. and all i want more than anything in the world, is to make my Husband happy and to make him proud to be with me. And altho sex is not the entire part of a person, it is still a part that is important. i hope you can talk to him again, when he is in a calm state of mind. he might even feel bad for how he reacted the first time. Good luck to you. and don't give up..

[Lenusik]

the thing is, is that I am actually fine w/o having s--. I guess I just thought that something was wrong with me if I was okay w/o it.
And w/ regards to talking to bf about it, I brought it up - very timidly - a few months ago, and bf flippppppeeed out! I swear his poor little head got things so twisted around - I was just happy we made it through w/ out breaking up - and that was from me doing everything I could think of to calm him down. He got REALLY REALLY defensive - said I was calling him a bad person, etc etc. It was nuts.
I don't think we've had s-- since, and I am too afraid to bring it up.
Other than that though - we don't really fight. I know what his....fragile areas are - he's on the anal side, but he knows it, and tries to keep it at bay.
Still....I really hate fighting. Me and Ex were lucky to go 2 days w/o a fight, and that was rare.[/QUOTE]

I am sorry to say this, but if you cannot share wiht you BF or DH about personal things like your intimate life, you may reconsider your relationship. I don't want to be too harsh, but you should be able to discuss this. A person who is not willing to listen and help is definitely not confident of himself, of you relationship. And you should be aware of this. Sorry about this! I do wish you luck!

[bcipam]

Lisa and gals... I was teasing about being older - I like where I am but when I was younger I saw the world differently.

Cher... men don't do well with talking... that's a woman thing. Women like to talk. Men generally hate to talk especially about "relationship" stuff.

Action. Men react to action. Cuddle up. Hug him for nothing. Say nice things. Rub his back or his head or his feet, whatever, does it for him. The contact for both of you will be stimulating and healthy.

[ColleenT]

i don't think it should all be on Cheri to fix this. He needs to be supportive. this is something she felt is a problem and tried to discuss with him. Him having a tantrum only made her feel worse, as if she had no one to talk to. i disagree about her being the one to make nice. he needs to step it up and be the MAN. She is the one who needs soothing right now.

[esther231]

Thank heaven, BCI. When I read your post I cracked up and then I read Lisa reaction and laughed harder. But you definitely got me on that one.

Cheri, you're saying you're happy with the relationship as it is, yes?

If I got that right, then that's all that counts. If it works for the two of you, enuff said. That is all that is important.

Now, if it stops working for you, considering that your sweetie isn't open to talking about it, I really like the cuddling idea.

[cherinyc]

ya know - something causes bf to get really really defensive, really really easily. And once he gets something stuck in his head - there's no talking him the other direction. I am telling you, he's really got everything together...he's responsible, and polite, and clean....all the things my ex wasn't. But he has some kind of complex when it comes to addressing the "elephant in the corner" as fore-mentioned. A big elephant being his defensiveness.
Like today, we were discussing plans for a trip to Denver (4 days or so) to look for a place to live for the November move. He asked how I felt about staying with one of his friends to save $$. 2 of the couples have small houses (only 1 bath), and 1 couple has a bigger house but also has a toddler, 2 labradors, and 2 cats. I replied "sheesh - that sounds like a madhouse, I'm getting queesy just thinking about it".
I don't have children, I have a small dog, I didn't grow up in a big family, and I don't really know his friends. Four days in that house, while scrambling around Denver on a deadline to find a rental - just scares me - has nothing to do with whether or not I like his friends or not. Now, all I replied was the "sheesh.......queesy..." part.
His reaction was, that if I planned to keep him away from his friends, that I should expect to have a pretty tough time once we got to Denver. Also adding that since I wouldn't be the one spending the $$ on the hotel room that only I would need, he would think that I would be more flexible about it.
I have put myself through college 2 times, to get 2 Bachelor's degrees (both w/ almost 4.0's) but unfortunately he (having only an Associates degree) is able to make 3x more than me . So the $$ comment was hitting below the belt. That only comes out when he gets on his defensive side - he's not typically mean, but my point is...(i'll get to it eventually, right?) my point is that his reactions to some things are just way out of proportion to the situation at hand. When I previously mentioned that I was worried that we weren't having a very "active" s-- life, the whole conversation spiralled down - to him saying "well now i really don't want to. you make me not want to".
I'm telling you - there's something there. Something happened along the way to make him this sensitive. Problem is...how do you bring up someone's sensitivity, when they're so.....sensitive? I feel like, being able to talk about our intimacy issues, is wayyyy untouchable...considering.
And ladies, I promise you - I am not one of those whiny - attacking - nagging types that comes in swinging. I don't yell, and it takes a lot to get me to say something out of anger, so...
'sigh'....my goodness. 10:30 already - got to get to sleep. This was a long one. The words are just coming out, and like I said - I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, so....sorry. You ladies are like my own "Interactive Diary". Pretty high-tec stuff.
thanks for listening!!
cheri

[HappyAnika]

Cheri,
Four months is nothing. DH and I have been together for 8 years. The first year was great, we'd have weekends where we never got out of bed . . . Then that initial spark faded. Well, it completely went out. We'd go as long as 10 months without anything. We have a fantastic relationship in that we hardly ever fight, and when we do its in the form of civil discussion, not yelling and cursing. We communicate well and are truly best friends. For me, it was (and still is) about pressure. I felt like I should be doing this for him, he's so good to me, he deserves it, but then I'd get all nervous, which absolutely kills the sex drvie. We'd go out to a special dinner for either of our birthdays, or valentine's, whatever, and then I'd feel this pressure that we were expected to have sex. In addition to the pressure, having a belly full of food really just made me want to sleep. It sounds to me like if you're stressing about it, you're putting pressure on yourself, which just makes it even more difficult to get in the mood.

When I first went on BC back in college with ex-BF, I noticed an immediate drop in libido. I complained to Gync, switched pills, and noticed a little improvement, but not back to normal levels. Later, when I tried going off the pill, I had horrible cramps and mood swings, which I'd never had before I went on the pill. I went right back on. Now we're a few months away from trying to get pregnant, so there's no point in trying to switch pills. However, just talking about trying to get pregnant has ignited our sex life again. (I should also mention that after we got married, we hardly left the hotel room for a week). This is the only issue we've talked about but haven't resolved. I suggested getting counseling, which DH was adamantly opposed to. I suggested getting some sort of self help book, he didn't like that idea either, although I was about to go do that on my own before the getting-pregnant discussions started and solved the problem. So in summary, I don't have any great advice for you, other than try not to worry about it. The more you worry, the more it becomes an issue (valid medical issues aside). Even through our longest droughts, going on vacation always seemed to be the best antidote. My best recommendation would be a romantic weekend away for two (But NO pressure!!!) Good luck!

[chickwhorips]

cheri don't feel bad about having no one else to talk to about this stuff. neither do i. its hard not having anyone to talk to, but great having everyone on here.

i had a similar problem like you when i was with exbf. it came down to more of the fact that i wasn't physically attracted to him anymore. he had changed in my mind's eye. i was also stressed and depressed.

now that i'm with my new bf i have the opposite problem. i am WAY attracted to him and i think i want it more than he does. (i also have no stress up here and not even being close to being depressed.) i have been with and living with current bf for two years. (i was with former for about a year.) i'm afraid of pressing to much for s--. i don't want to ask for it to much and have him freak out at me and run away. trying to come up with new ways to turn him on is hard too. i swear after two years i still don't know what competely turns him on. i've tried asking but i think i embarrass him. i probably need to come up with a better way than asking him straight "what turns you on" at a completely random time. (anyone has ideas let me know.)

not nice of your current bf to not listen to you. i know how badly that hurts. and him freaking out about not seeing his friends, when you didn't want to stay there was odd. i think he's feeling a bit stressed about the whole thing. sounds like you two need to get away for a nice relaxing weekend, and vacation s-- is always good. (by the way, i'm very proud of you for getting your butt through school with that high of a gpa. YOU GO GIRL! besides there is one industry that WOMEN will always make more $$ then men. and no man can argue that one.)

another thing that i noticed that affected my libido was how much i was working out. if i was working out and doing lots and lots of cardio my libido suffered. might want to think about that one too. i've tried a bunch of different bc methods and finially found one that works well with my hormons. maybe just try a different form of bc? good luck girl.

[Duck on Wheels]

Talking to ones SO is often tough. The stakes are so high. EsPECially when the topic is sex. But friends and family also can rank pretty high up there on the stakes list, along with career status and income. Your bf may have some insecurity issues that make him defensive whenever he's afraid you're signalling that you're losing interest. With me and my DH it's often been the other way around: I go defensively ballistic, he just retreats. Months later we're finally able to talk about whatever it was, and so far it's always been some simple misunderstanding. Persistent but patient and soothing talking is one way to get through and clear things up. Physical reassurance (doesn't have to be sex, snuggling and cuddling are equally reassuring) is another.

As for sex drive -- no, you're not alone in having down periods. In my own case, the libido doesn't awaken just by thinking of sex, or seeing the DH, or coming home from a trip. It's just not on automatic. And worrying about whether it will awaken is a sure killer. But a relaxing cuddle, just for its own sake, will often have the extra dividend of sparking a brighter flame.

[donnambr]

I can only say that anytime I've used hormonal birth control of any kind, my libido evaporates and I know many women who've had the same experience.

[Melstar]

I quit smoking, drinking, going out late, and started snowboarding, bicycling, hiking. ALL GOOD THINGS. So why do I feel SOOOO crappy?

Like you said, all the good things. So seriously, don't stress yourself out thinking of a million reasons as to what's going on... just go have a chat with your man and try to work it all out with him. That's what being in a relationship is all about, though it does sound like you're putting in more imput than your partner... sorry to say that.

but you'll be alright. Best of luck

[Duck on Wheels]

Another 2c from an "old" lady just past her 31st anniversary:
That honeymoon feeling comes and goes over the years. Gone for now is not gone forever. Sometimes it catches me unawares and suddenly just seeing DH's butt when he comes into the br. to dress after a morning shower turns me on. And then other times ... I'd rather sleep.

[Trekhawk]

Another 2c from an "old" lady just past her 31st anniversary:
That honeymoon feeling comes and goes over the years. Gone for now is not gone forever. Sometimes it catches me unawares and suddenly just seeing DH's butt when he comes into the br. to dress after a morning shower turns me on. And then other times ... I'd rather sleep.

LOL - well said.