'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

**bcipam** · 08-31-2006, 08:14 AM

Cher...

Put things in prespective... you could be 55, beauty and youth long past, living alone with no prospects of romance except for a cat who loves you but maybe its because you are a food giver, day in and day out, no one to share your day and life with, except again the cat, having a sex drive but no release or anyone to play with.***

Life's not perfect, be grateful for what you have. Give him a big hug, snuggle up and tell him you love him dearly and see what happens. Many would love to be in your shoes, lack of sex drive and all...

***this is just a hypothetical mind you... I'm not in anyway talkin' about myself!

**Lenusik** · 08-31-2006, 08:52 AM

Cher,

If you are concerned about the pills, you may need to change it. I've been on OrthoTrycyclin Light for 2 years and never had any problems. Maybe this is something that may work for you as well. However, as I mentioned earlies, you need to talk and share with your BF. He will help.

Regards,
Lenusik

**BleeckerSt_Girl** · 08-31-2006, 10:05 AM

Originally Posted by bcipam

Put things in prespective... you could be 55, beauty and youth long past....

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!

**esther231** · 08-31-2006, 12:28 PM

HOWLING!!!

I thought the exact same thing. I like being 54. It's a great place to be. I know it looks different when you are younger but when you get here, you find out it's really a nice place. Amazingly nice.

**margo49** · 08-31-2006, 12:35 PM

Hear, hear

signed margo49
who is more than 49

**Lenusik** · 08-31-2006, 12:39 PM

Well yeah!, I am only 31 but i am planning to be a "crazy and sexy" grandma as well.

**BleeckerSt_Girl** · 08-31-2006, 12:38 PM

It's TRUE! I'm 52 and I feel more beautiful, sexier, stronger, and healthier now than I ever was when I was in my 20's....or 30's.... or 40's!
(did I mention more modest too?)

Lisa (still gettin' better)

**jsgeneroso** · 08-31-2006, 12:47 PM

Cherinyc,

You are perfect and beautiful just the way your are!!! We all are.

btw. I sent you a private msg.

**cherinyc** · 08-31-2006, 01:01 PM

[QUOTE=bcipam]Cher...
Life's not perfect, be grateful for what you have. Give him a big hug, snuggle up and tell him you love him dearly and see what happens. Many would love to be in your shoes, lack of sex drive and all...

QUOTE]

the thing is, is that I am actually fine w/o having s--. I guess I just thought that something was wrong with me if I was okay w/o it.
And w/ regards to talking to bf about it, I brought it up - very timidly - a few months ago, and bf flippppppeeed out! I swear his poor little head got things so twisted around - I was just happy we made it through w/ out breaking up - and that was from me doing everything I could think of to calm him down. He got REALLY REALLY defensive - said I was calling him a bad person, etc etc. It was nuts.
I don't think we've had s-- since, and I am too afraid to bring it up.
Other than that though - we don't really fight. I know what his....fragile areas are - he's on the anal side, but he knows it, and tries to keep it at bay.
Still....I really hate fighting. Me and Ex were lucky to go 2 days w/o a fight, and that was rare.

**ColleenT** · 08-31-2006, 01:30 PM

i am sorry he is so defensive. it really makes it difficult for you. my own husband who is a saint, sometimes, he feels like i am rejecting him, and really, i am just rejecting sex. But it still hurts him, which in turn hurts me. so i usually end up crying when he takes it the wrong way or he seems to be angry at the situation. as i have told him over and over, i think it hurts ME more than him..b/c i am the "failure". i am the defective one. and all i want more than anything in the world, is to make my Husband happy and to make him proud to be with me. And altho sex is not the entire part of a person, it is still a part that is important. i hope you can talk to him again, when he is in a calm state of mind. he might even feel bad for how he reacted the first time. Good luck to you. and don't give up..

**Lenusik** · 08-31-2006, 01:58 PM

the thing is, is that I am actually fine w/o having s--. I guess I just thought that something was wrong with me if I was okay w/o it.
And w/ regards to talking to bf about it, I brought it up - very timidly - a few months ago, and bf flippppppeeed out! I swear his poor little head got things so twisted around - I was just happy we made it through w/ out breaking up - and that was from me doing everything I could think of to calm him down. He got REALLY REALLY defensive - said I was calling him a bad person, etc etc. It was nuts.
I don't think we've had s-- since, and I am too afraid to bring it up.
Other than that though - we don't really fight. I know what his....fragile areas are - he's on the anal side, but he knows it, and tries to keep it at bay.
Still....I really hate fighting. Me and Ex were lucky to go 2 days w/o a fight, and that was rare.[/QUOTE]

I am sorry to say this, but if you cannot share wiht you BF or DH about personal things like your intimate life, you may reconsider your relationship. I don't want to be too harsh, but you should be able to discuss this. A person who is not willing to listen and help is definitely not confident of himself, of you relationship. And you should be aware of this. Sorry about this! I do wish you luck!

**bcipam** · 08-31-2006, 02:20 PM

Lisa and gals... I was teasing about being older - I like where I am but when I was younger I saw the world differently.

Cher... men don't do well with talking... that's a woman thing. Women like to talk. Men generally hate to talk especially about "relationship" stuff.

Action. Men react to action. Cuddle up. Hug him for nothing. Say nice things. Rub his back or his head or his feet, whatever, does it for him. The contact for both of you will be stimulating and healthy.

**ColleenT** · 08-31-2006, 04:01 PM

i don't think it should all be on Cheri to fix this. He needs to be supportive. this is something she felt is a problem and tried to discuss with him. Him having a tantrum only made her feel worse, as if she had no one to talk to. i disagree about her being the one to make nice. he needs to step it up and be the MAN. She is the one who needs soothing right now.

**esther231** · 08-31-2006, 04:45 PM

Thank heaven, BCI. When I read your post I cracked up and then I read Lisa reaction and laughed harder. But you definitely got me on that one.

Cheri, you're saying you're happy with the relationship as it is, yes?

If I got that right, then that's all that counts. If it works for the two of you, enuff said. That is all that is important.

Now, if it stops working for you, considering that your sweetie isn't open to talking about it, I really like the cuddling idea.

**cherinyc** · 08-31-2006, 06:24 PM

ya know - something causes bf to get really really defensive, really really easily. And once he gets something stuck in his head - there's no talking him the other direction. I am telling you, he's really got everything together...he's responsible, and polite, and clean....all the things my ex wasn't. But he has some kind of complex when it comes to addressing the "elephant in the corner" as fore-mentioned. A big elephant being his defensiveness.
Like today, we were discussing plans for a trip to Denver (4 days or so) to look for a place to live for the November move. He asked how I felt about staying with one of his friends to save $$. 2 of the couples have small houses (only 1 bath), and 1 couple has a bigger house but also has a toddler, 2 labradors, and 2 cats. I replied "sheesh - that sounds like a madhouse, I'm getting queesy just thinking about it".
I don't have children, I have a small dog, I didn't grow up in a big family, and I don't really know his friends. Four days in that house, while scrambling around Denver on a deadline to find a rental - just scares me - has nothing to do with whether or not I like his friends or not. Now, all I replied was the "sheesh.......queesy..." part.
His reaction was, that if I planned to keep him away from his friends, that I should expect to have a pretty tough time once we got to Denver. Also adding that since I wouldn't be the one spending the $$ on the hotel room that only I would need, he would think that I would be more flexible about it.
I have put myself through college 2 times, to get 2 Bachelor's degrees (both w/ almost 4.0's) but unfortunately he (having only an Associates degree) is able to make 3x more than me

. So the $$ comment was hitting below the belt. That only comes out when he gets on his defensive side - he's not typically mean, but my point is...(i'll get to it eventually, right?) my point is that his reactions to some things are just way out of proportion to the situation at hand. When I previously mentioned that I was worried that we weren't having a very "active" s-- life, the whole conversation spiralled down - to him saying "well now i really don't want to. you make me not want to".
I'm telling you - there's something there. Something happened along the way to make him this sensitive. Problem is...how do you bring up someone's sensitivity, when they're so.....sensitive? I feel like, being able to talk about our intimacy issues, is wayyyy untouchable...considering.
And ladies, I promise you - I am not one of those whiny - attacking - nagging types that comes in swinging. I don't yell, and it takes a lot to get me to say something out of anger, so...
'sigh'....my goodness. 10:30 already - got to get to sleep. This was a long one. The words are just coming out, and like I said - I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, so....sorry. You ladies are like my own "Interactive Diary". Pretty high-tec stuff.

thanks for listening!!
cheri

Thread: 'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

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