If it did talk to me it would likely have a few things to say over and over.

First off "let's go for a ride, come on just a few miles at least" would be a daily demand. Then
"Is that all the faster you can go, I can go much faster then this pathetic speed." Grr!!!!
"Clean my chain its been a week, oh yeah get that cassette and derailler why your at it, ohh I feel much better now, thank you, opps you forgot a spot on my frame"
The one I hate the most " loose some weight so we can climb faster, ride faster and you're easier for me to carry for hours without a break." Now that is aggervating, I hope I raised a better bike then to be that rude.