I haven't been around here in a while but I seem to always get support when I need it. I've been going through some difficult times and it's only getting worse. I'm seeing a counsellor this morning (finally these people figured out some people can't go to appointments during the day on weekdays). Hopefully I'll be able to get some help.

What's happening is my boyfriend lost his best friend to a short but horrible battle with cancer. It's been 5 weeks since his death and he's slipping into major depression. He battled it before and wisely started taking Prozac again(which he was supposed to all along but stopped 2 years ago). He also scheduled an appointment with his psychiatrist on Monday. So he's fighting it. The problem is he's pushing me away. I'd like to say it's temporary and he's just withdrawn, but I know that he's very close with the widow and he seems to be reaching out to her rather than me. I get this, they shared a very strong and painful experience together and she probably is the only person who understands (in his mind) the pain he's in. But I'm afraid that he is going to leave me for her. As ridiculous as that sounds, because she herself lost her husband, whom she spent 24/7 with but I know he talks and texts her every day while he essentially ignores me. She's using my boyfriend as her safety blanket (his word) because her husband used him as one during the illness (boyfriend was there day and night at the hospital, him and the widow spent a lot of time together. When the friend was taking his last breaths she only allowed my bf and the guy's daughter to be present. He even sat with them at the funeral while I was in the back with his mother).

I know that people who are grieving aren't themselves but I'm really afraid that he's going to leave me for her even though they are both basket cases. I suppose the only thing I can do right now is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I've already lost 7lbs and I'm down to105lbs now.

When he first got sick and was in the hospital for surgery, that's when my fears started. Again, he was at the hospital day/night. But my bf was really good at reassuring me (I didn't ask him about it, but he was attentive to me to allay my fears). He even said that when his friend passes away, he wants to move to a nearby town with me as he won't have much reason to stay there (he's actually about 2 hours away, he comes and stays with me 4 nights during the week when he works). He gave me a diamond necklace for valentine's and a card saying he's looking to another year together. Then his friend took a turn for the worse a week later and died a week after that. He's not with me right now, he's at home (at least I think so, he hasn't really spoken to me this week).

I guess all I want are kind words and virtual hugs. I'm not sure I want a barrage of "leave him first, dump him" type of posts. Thanks ladies.