It's been four months since my best friend/ex-husband/co-parent was senselessly murdered and the bicycle tour I was on came to an abrupt and tragic halt. Since then I haven't not been able to ride much. When I get on the bike I feel such overwhelming grief and pain and can't stop crying; I tend to avoid it. But I miss riding too. I have been trying to take short rides with sympathetic friends. This sort of works. Really, I am having a hard time doing much of anything productive.

Traumatic grief, I reminded by my psychopharmacologist, is its own thing -- different from the depression I have struggled with for the past thirteen years, different from the "normal" grief I am dealing with after my father's death in May.

I have gained weight. I am not in shape. It is all quite depressing. I am hoping maybe the advent of spring in a couple of months will help.

I am so not sure how to deal with this.

Thanks for hearing me out. I have never felt such profound and painful grief nor have I ever felt so estranged from my beloved bicycle.

Hoping to find the connection to cycling again. . . sooner rather than later would be good.

-- Hira