mtbdarby wrote a lot of stuff but "would like to know if deep down I only mountain bike and race as some sort of connection to my ex bf. On the other hand, I don't know that it matters because it makes me feel good about myself to get out there and pedal."

mtdarby {{{{hugs}}}}} Sorry things are so hard.

I think you answered your own question.

Does cycling make you feel good? I think your anwer is yes? Are you having fun? In amoung the hard work I think your anwer is yes, right? Does it make you feel powerful and give you a sense of accomplishment? H*** yes Have you found a supportive community? Hope that's a yes. Will you be in a better place and feeling good about yourself when (note I don't say "if") you meet Mr. Right? Yes.

Take good care of yourself, the little guy and the doggie. Meanwhile eat to win, ride to eat. {{{hugs}}}}