As someone has said, it's not uncommon for the relationships of biological parent/child to disintegrate, as well, or never even get started very well. Disabuse yourself of any notions that you somehow failed these kids or that biological parents automatically have it all together.

Add in fetal alcohol syndrome--you were probably doomed from the start.

There's a Christian writer/speaker, Beth Moore, who writes very eloquently about having to give up an adopted child after 11 years (I think). You might look her up.

My brother-in-law had to give up a pair of siblings (not yet adopted, but they lived there for 5 years) because one of the children was a danger to the family. Keeping them would have meant certain molestation of their little girl, at a minimum, so there's a line to be drawn.

A close friend put up with 23 years of hell from her adopted child with FAS. Horrible, indescribable torturous life for the entire family, and it goes on, even as they are finally estranged. The family is still a target of this man's delusions, even after he was given a wonderful wonderful life, under the circumstances. Because of the FAS, he is completely incapable of moderating his impulses, and unfortunately he is a danger to others but the family is basically in hiding from him. It is so bad that when the father passed away suddenly, his will stated the son was not to be told until after the funeral, and then through a third party. All because of FAS. It was very difficult for the parents to let go and not feel guilty about it (still an ongoing process for the mother), but they were heroes in my book.

The person to blame is the biological mother who drank through the pregnancy, and that's a road that goes backwards forever, and there's no point in looking back. Just don't blame yourself. YOU are not a miracle worker. YOU did what you could. Find a way to release yourself. You deserve it.

Karen