Ugh, I don't want to be in my head anymore, it's awful in here. Out of the blue I've been blindsided by the worst bout of depression ever. Last night was so ugly I was happy I was exhausted and just finally crashed out before doing something irrational.

I think it's the culmination of the massive amounts of crap I've had dumped on me lately. Mom's unemployed and struggling to pay the bills, make the mortgage. Another friend is being foreclosed on and the clincher was the phone call last weekend from an old friend back home whose boyfriend beat and raped her after cheating on her repeatedly. Sunshine and butterflies everywhere for me!

I'm not sure what entirely set it off last night, I think it was finishing my taxes and watching my lovely $1k return dwindle to $200 as I added the last W-2. Out the door went my new bike. Boo.

It got to the point where I was so upset/livid/whatever that I was debating selling my bike, dumping it in whatever convenient body of water I could find, backing over it several times with my truck, or my most creative plan, kindling a fire with my bike clothes and setting it on there.

A lot of it has to do with work, and a lot of it is the loss of sense of self I've dealt with since I moved to Colorado. I loved my bike when I started there, I was gushing pride out every pore over that bike. Now they've successfully made me hate it, think it's a total POS, etc. I honestly don't even want to ride it anymore. For reals, ever. I hate it.

Insult to injury everyone else has purchased a new bike recently and it's making me wicked jealous as they parade them in front of me. Whenever I mention maybe changing something on my bike it's always, "Why don't you just buy a new bike?" Gosh guys, I've NEVER thought about that before! What a brilliant idea! Oh yeah, I'm not rocking the dual income no kids lifestyle, and I don't live at home with mom and dad so I'm not sitting a few grand extra.

I've thought about selling my beloved massive L series lens, but I can't commit to that, that lens was my dream since high school, even if it hardly ever gets used. So that leaves me trying to save up for a new ride, and even if I scrimp like mad and save everything I can it's gonna take at LEAST 8 months and in the mean time I have a bike I don't even want anymore that everyone pisses on.

So right now I just feel like it would be easier to say screw it to riding and focus on my horse again. I'd rather not have a bike than have one that causes this much angst. It's like my inner 10 year old wants a pony NOW and in the mean time the school bully is beating her up and stealing her lunch money because she doesn't have a pony.

I don't even really want another road bike but every time I mention something else I get a bunch of BS from the peanut gallery. Like they've decided I'm "just a roadie." Boy, glad you all cleared that up for me! I was so confused because when I ride down dirt roads I really like it! Woo, now if they could help me resolve that time I made out with my best female friend while three sheets to the wind. I wanted to get a Gary Fisher Hoo Koo E Koo because I LOVED my Big Sur and this year's HKEK is friggin' HAWT!!! It's root beer colored with the trendy white components. Mmmmm. I was promptly told that I'm not a mountain biker anyway, especially if I don't want a fully.

Every bike I try just confuses me more. I'm so overwhelmed and every time I think I have it pinned down it just feels like I'm rushing to shut everyone up. I don't think I'll even know the bike when I ride it. Although the Blue RC8 was a ton of fun, tortuous winds aside.

What I don't understand is when I became the girl who let what others thought of her, her horse, her clothes, etc, bother her? I never had what other girls did in my entire equine career but I worked my butt off to get what I wanted. Whether it was cleaning stalls as a teen or knocking it out of the park to earn a big bonus as an adult, I got what I wanted. Sure I have the ugliest baby blue horse trailer in the world, but it doesn't matter how you get there, just what you do once you get there. Bike doesn't matter, engine does. And if I build up the strength to climb Flagstaff on a heavy bike, imagine how I'll rail up it on something lighter down the road!

Of course this is all magnified a million times by how craptacular I feel. In reality these are fairly small hurdles. I just wanna sleep and/or cry. Either one. I forced myself to do stuff today. I made cookies for my horse, and as it turns out accidentally used salt instead of sugar. Really, who puts salt in a glass canister? Oh well, horse is forgiving, he still likes them. I went to the barn and rode for a while, that was super good. It's just that the glimmers of good end so abruptly. The minute I left the barn I felt crummy again.

Tonight one of my roommates made spaghetti and by the time I got out there all the noodles were gone. I was sooooo butt hurt!!! I've made dinner for everyone several times and I didn't get any! I pretended not to care, said I'd fix myself something no big deal. Then of course everyone had to hound me and really I feel so crappy that eating is an afterthought right now. I feel bad because they probably thought I was being a drama queen, I was just trying to get back to my room before the water works started.

I think in light of all this mess I'm definitely going to chat with my boss about it makes me feel when everyone bags on my bike and tells me to get a new one. It stings so bad, takes me back to growing up with just enough when everyone else had nice new stuff and I wore the neighbor's hand me downs.

Picking up some 5-HTP (precursor to serotonin) and a B complex vitamin (deficiency is a common cause of depression) will be my first order of business tomorrow.

I must say I am so grateful for my animals. Maybe I don't have a fancy bike but I have a gorgeous, talented, willing and wonderful horse that doesn't criticize me when I screw up the cookies, listens to me poor my heart out without judgment, and doesn't mind if I bury my face in his mane and cry. No fancy bike in the world has big, brown, soulful eyes that can look deep down into you and say, "It's all gonna be alright, now can I have another salt cookie?"