Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[Biciclista]

KSH, please don't take this personally. From what you wrote, you did the right thing ditching that guy. I just want people to understand that a good marriage between two flawed people IS possible.

First off, do not let the fact that everyone around you is getting married, make you feel like YOU should be getting married. There is a lot of unspoken pressure on women to get married. It's like if you are not married... there must be something wrong with you. There isn't. It's OK not to be married.

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I absolutely agree.

the night before MY wedding, I thought; "I am making a big mistake, I shouldn't marry this guy" But I did.
And sometimes it was really tough, but I am glad I went through with it. In the eyes of any sane person who was around me at that time, it was obvious that I had made a mistake. But that's precisely why I am telling you guys about my marriage (see post above) because there's no RULE Not all happy marriages have a 2 year engagement and a church wedding. Not all unhappy marriages started with a drunk groom and a trip to Las Vegas

1) You can't KNOW someone after only a few months or even a year or two. People have a vision of who they are, and it's not always reality. Only over time can you really start to understand who a person is at their core, by watching their behavior over time. This is why I cringe when I see someone just jump into marriage.

You can apply this rule even further. You never really know someone (know how they are going to react in a given situation) so what's the difference between waiting 3 months or 3 years?
Like so many other things in life, marriage is a crapshoot.

2) Marriage is serious. It sounds like fun... you get sucked into the fairy tale... being swept off your feet and into love. But the fairy tale ends and you are stuck with this person day in and day out.

You're absolutely right here. Once the shine is off, you can see the warts and smell their dirty socks. BUT, with TWO people making a commitment, it's worth it.

3) When you are married, there is no way out if that person treats you like crap, unless you are willing to get divorced. I didn't want to get divorced so I had to tolerate him treating me bad. Me asking him to be a good person didn't do it. He didn't care how he treated me and I couldn't change that.

Right. Person #2 didn't make a commitment. That just won't work!

4) Very few people who are married are happy. Some are. But MOST are not. Most are in the marriage for the kids, it's the right thing, etc.

Very few people are happy. I have been unhappy with myself but happy with my marriage. today I am happy about both. It's worth working on and fighting for. My life is so richer having been married, a partnership with a person based on love, respect and compromise...

5) Marriage is all about tolerating someone else. They will change over time. You will have tolerate it. For example, my ex got to where he refused to shower more than twice a week. I asked him to shower, he would not. There was nothing I could do. I had to tolerate it.

Marriage is also about picking your battles. I can get totally freaked out about coffee cups everywhere or I can save my energy for more important stuff.

You're ABSOLUTELY right. If you don't want to waste energy doing this compromise dance, and ha, raising kids, that's even harder than being married. And you don't get the benefit of happily ever after. Your kids are going to grow up and leave you; so PLEASE don't just get married to have kids.