So the other day I did my weekly group ride and decided to try something new. I'd been riding in the B- group (14-16 mph) but feeling hemmed in and like I was being a bit held back. Plus the group size had increased and no one really understood road rules and it was just getting frustrating. I decided to try the next group up, thinking I'd be able to hang, at least at the back.

The first 1/2 of the ride was great. i was at the back of the pack, but mostly because I didn't feel like doing the pecking order thing where people decide they're going to ride faster than you and if you pass them they have to speed up to get back in front. I happily settled in towards the end and did my thing. I managed to keep up admirably without feeling terrible for the first 1/2, including a few rather large hills. Then I and the BOP-leader got seperated from the group by a road and some traffic, so essentially we lost everyone. I could still see them up ahead, but still managed to get dropped completely on the downhills until it was just me and the other leader.

I have to say, that's when I lost it. Everything. All motivation to keep up. I just couldn't go fast (if you can call it that) anymore, after all I was pretty much riding by myself. Then all the baggage came in. i shouldn't have done the ride. I was ruining it for the BOP-leader who was staying back with me. I'm a horrible rider, and not only do I get dropped on the uphills, but I can't even keep up on the downhills because of my meager weight (you'd think being light would help with climbing, but no, apparently not for me).

So amidst all this I just got down. And I got mad. And I wanted to kick something and I wanted to throw my bike away because I'm just so tired of being bad at everything I do.

And now this is all boiling out right now so I don't always feel like this, but I'm just frustrated. I told the leader that I was going to drop back into the B- group next time, even though when I ride with them I feel like I'm riding slower than I could. He told me that the ride was challenging and that we did okay for my first time with the higher group. It was 2300' climbing and we averaged only 14.7 mph. That is not good enough. I wanted to tell him to stop patronizing me. Just tell me if I suck.

I was noncommittal about trying again next week. I just don't know where I should be. I just thought maybe I'd vent a little bit and get people's opinions on whether I should drop back to the B- group where I really don't feel challenged (maybe I could make an effort to stay at the front of the group so I don't have to be held back as much on the climbs or descents), or if I should ignore my demons and stay with the B/B+ group for a few rides to see if I improve.

I just hate, absolutely hate, feeling this way. And thanks for listening and apologies for the venting.

K.