Oh my...what a tragedy! I am so sorry...
but you must try and get some kind of counselling...especially if you are alone!
There must be a group you can contact, some people you can meet. You have to help heal yourself...I know the job is important, and you probably use that to help hold yourself together, but eventually you might just stretch too thin... I went through this...you can't deal with the pain, so you transfer your energy to your job, to other things. You don't think about it, that way the pain doesn't come. But when it comes and you aren't prepared...it's devastating...you HAVE to take care of yourself. For their memory.For yourself.
Please.
Try and find someone in your area.

{{{{{{{{logdiva32}}}}}}}