Absolutely. I really like the trainer. I mean, I know I'm paying the guy, but it's just great to have someone to talk with about cycling and bikes and stuff because I don't have that person in real life. (And I'd be too embarrassed to talk to "real" cyclists because of my weight.)

I lost 14 pounds in October and weigh-in is tomorrow night. I feel good about it, though, because I've been working very hard. I've also been tracking every calorie that goes into my mouth. I ate an average of more calories per day this week, but did more exercise so I have a lower average net calories.

But emotionally I have to admit this has been a *very* tough week. I feel like I'm standing on a giant house of cards that could fall at any second.

I'm not even sure how to explain it, and perhaps the book "Heft on Wheels" tells it best. But, here goes ...

This could all be gone in an instant. I could slip back to old habits SO easily. I've done it 1,000 times before. Miss one workout, eat a Big Mac and fries, eat some donuts, feel ashamed and skip another workout. And that's that.

I really *want* to succeed this time, though. And not to be skinny or find a BF or buy different clothes. But because I want to bike fast. And I want to swim well. And I want to run. Right now I can only walk because my size seriously increases risk of injury if I try to run. If I can just lose another 15 to 20 pounds and work until I can jog a 5K, I think I can make it. But it takes a long time to lose 20 pounds, and it's hard to be patient knowing I have so far to go.

And I'm SOOOO tired of people saying I'm incredible "for someone my size." I just want to do a good job for an average person.

Sorry, rant over. Did I say it's been a tough week emotionally? But I'm hanging in there.