Dealing With It

[pooks]

I've been following the "childless" thread and have wisely refrained from saying anything, since having three kids, it would hardly be appropriate. (wry smile)

However, I think there are several spinoffs from that discussion and the one I'd like to know is -- how DO you deal with major life disappointments?

My way had been a combination of denial with the occasional bit of belligerance tossed in. I was pregnant and married at 17 (still married to the same great guy) which meant while my friends were experiencing college and/or the workplace complete with happy hours, dating, etc., I was not. But I'd decided right away that I refused to be ashamed, and I refused to act embarrassed, and just charged forward. I have friends who in similar situations went on to college, held down jobs, raised families -- sorry, I'm not cut that way. Other than two or three years before my second son was born, I haven't worked outside the home (except for occasional temp work). I can barely handle one thing well, and could never have juggled so many. Which yes, sometimes makes me feel inadequate, but, hey, not enough that I've ever lost sleep over it.

A friend told me that when she was pregnant with her second child, she wanted a daughter so badly that she cried after the birth of her second son, because she knew she'd never have a daughter. That upset me so much -- I swore I would NEVER set myself up that way, to CRY because I had a healthy baby! -- and when I got pregnant with my second child I decided (yes, DECIDED) that my first son was so perfect, I would absolutely LOVE to have a second one just like him. (Even though yes, I'd really wanted a girl.) When women said to me (too many times to count), "Well of course THIS time you want a girl," I'd respond with wide eyes, like the true southern lady my grandmother tried to make me into, "Really! Why would I?" And keep playing dumb while they kept trying to explain to me why I should want a girl more than a boy, until they got embarrassed and shut up. Ahem. Or sometimes I'd give them a more direct, curt answer. By the time I was pregnant with my third son? Oh, the poor women (strangers and friends alike) who dared tell me I wanted a girl THIS time didn't say it twice.

But more significantly, I don't have a college degree; by the time my kids were all in school and I assumed I'd be going back myself, I'd begun writing and was just so happy to have all those hours to myself, I couldn't even think of enrolling in classes again. I still plan to do it -- I'd love to. But I'd have to figure out a major (still haven't come up with anything that excites me enough) and quit doing the things I'm doing now. So yes, it's my choice not to have one but it doesn't make it easier when people share educational experiences that I didn't have, and I see a window into some of the stuff I've missed.... That "life" I gave up when I was 17.

But here's the thing. Yes, I have missed a million things my friends didn't miss, and my way of dealing with that was to simply decide I couldn't let myself care. Denial. And then go about building a life that would prove it -- to me and to them -- that I hadn't made a mistake. (Ah, the ego thing.) What? 17 and pregnant? Whatever. It's no big deal. We'll make it work. (And then, I had to do that.) I guess this is what "fake it till you make it" is all about.

I'm not advising denial or belligerance. I'm assuming/hoping there are a lot of other ways of handling loss and disappointment.

I'm just saying, this is how I've handled it myself. It doesn't mean I haven't shed tears and suffered doubts and qualms and beat myself up over my mistakes a million times, and wondered why certain things happened to me that didn't to other people. It just means that my way of dealing with it was to cry, and then move forward and pretend I didn't care, until the years passed and I looked back and realized I had created a reality for myself -- I really don't care now. I have been through all kinds of hell one way or another, but I love where I am now.

Would I be in a better place if my life had taken other turns? Maybe. Would I have been a better parent if I were older? Ouch, that's the biggie. The one huge regret I had was that we were such young parents, I felt I didn't do a good job emotionally with my kids. (At the time I thought we were doing great, but looking back I sometimes cringe!)

But two things happened. They grew up and they are great guys and they still love me (how did that happen?) so I didn't scar them for life, and they like each other and I love being around them, so maybe we did okay after all.

And I have three (count them THREE) women I know well who had their first (and only) babies when they were 41. And I've seen them and their husbands make mistakes. (How fun, since there was a time when two of them were tut-tutting over the mistakes WE were making, and now they ask us for advice. Heh.) And it finally hit me -- we all make mistakes. The mistakes I made were due to youth, but being older would have simply meant we made different mistakes, not no mistakes. Wow, what a revelation.

So now my husband and I have the benefit of being young and having enough health and youth stretching ahead of us to feel pretty free.

How have others handled "dealing with it," whatever "it" is?