Host- guest customs

[thekarens]

You are a good mother. Even though we can't, we always want to come to our children's defense.

[Triskeliongirl]

I am most concerned by your remarks that your daughter is having trouble adjusting to college. Is the mostly male engineering school she is at MIT by any chance? My son had difficulties adjusting there even as a boy. Irrespective of how the bf+family situation resolves, I would encourage her to seek counseling at her school. There are counselors trained to help students in her situation. Another idea is to find some campus social group where she fits. Even though my son was a math and computer science major, he minored in Portuguese, and found a warm community within the Portuguese dept. that was more nurturing, they would go to films together, etc. (his dad was born in Portugal, which is where the interest developed). It is really important that she develop an emotional support network at school, especially if she is undertaking a major with a tough curriculum.

I hope you didn't take my previous remarks to indicate approval of how the bf's family behaved, just an attempt to see it from their perspective and bring the situation to an amicable conclusion. Keep us posted as to how it resolves.

[Crankin]

I agree with Trisk; counseling sounds in order, as ages 18-25 is the time all sorts of emotional health issues can start and fester if not addressed. I didn't get the idea she is at MIT, but I might wonder about the fit of the school for her. She shouldn't be coming home and depending on you to make her feel less depressed.

[shootingstar]

A predominantly male student faculty, where engineering would take some adjustment..even for the strongest of young women. (unless she socialized alot with guys alot prior to university).

I don't know about engineering in the U.S., but the top university undergraduate engineering faculties in Canada, make the lst year tough: it is deliberate to create the bell curve/weed out who don't belong academically. Then later years, are abit easier.

Confirmed from: my dearie who has his civil engineering degree. 2nd confirmed from my brother-in-law who is assistant professor for one of the engineering university faculties in Toronto. He's been teaching there for the past decade. I asked latter and was amazed it was still true.

[Owlie]

Poor kid. (Kid? She's not that much younger than I am...) I went to a university that is well-known for its engineering program (though I didn't go for engineering), mostly male and had a hard time adjusting. (I had a roommate that seemed to live on cheap tequila, for one thing.) My first year was rough. And I am friends with enough engineers to know that engineering school is also rough.

Does she come home often? Is she involved on campus? (I know, the first year it's hard to get involved, especially with the workload.) Does she have friends there now and a better living situation? It may be an adjustment issue, but I'd ask her to take a look into counseling at the university just to make sure. I think how your daughter feels is how I've been feeling most of this semester. Counseling definitely helped.

[shootingstar]

I had counselling (related to personal matters plus choice of studies) during my 2nd yr. in university and for certain, it helped me ...for life. That's how important it was for myself --it helped me become stronger and more self-aware.

Both of these 2 guys now engineers, did affirm it was tough for them with a heavy workload in undergrad. years. My partner was one of the quieter guys at that time, he wasn't your frat boy: he was also holding down a part-time job close to home (because his parents were poor and he did not have scholarship himself) and lived 50 km. away from university, as a full time student.

[Melalvai]

A few weeks ago she did take advantage of the campus counseling services. I was so impressed because she did that pretty independently, only asking me about the mechanics of it (ie, was insurance involved--no). She goes to Rolla, and they are up front that the first year is to weed them out. She got involved with the rock climbing club for a while, but when all the other women dropped out, she wasn't comfortable being the only female so she dropped that too. She is in band, which proved to be less socially rewarding than we anticipated. Her new roommate has a lot more in common with her, and a couple others have taken her under their wing, so things did get better in November.

She's not going to flunk anything, but I will not be surprised if she loses scholarships. But maybe not; her courses next semester seem more reasonable-- maybe-- math is her strength but she'll be in Calc II, which has taken down many strong souls!

[OakLeaf]

Well, there is something I do know something about. Because I've forgotten every single thing I learned in multivariate calculus, except one: few, if any, human beings can imagine what something looks like in seven dimensions. I vividly remember the engineering students struggling, because they were trying to visualize the problems, as I sailed through it with my very abstract thinking. If she thinks of calculus as more akin to poetry than to physics, I think she'll find it much easier.

[GLC1968]

If she is musical (you mentioned band as one of her activities, right?), she may find Calc II a lot easier than most engineers do!

I, too lived in the world of men...both in school and then in my career (up until recently) as an EE. It is an adjustment for sure, but one that once you make it, can serve you well in your career for many years to come. Socially, it's really a challenge (even as an adult), so I feel for the women who do this as traditional age students. I didn't find my math/science calling until I was almost 30, so it was quite a bit different for me than it would be for an 18 year old!

Something she should keep in mind - with very few exceptions, all of the women engineers I know have done very well in their careers. Some stayed on the technical side and many went on to do other things with their engineering degrees, but both groups have been very successful. I don't know if it's a testament to the type of personality a woman would have to choose engineering in the first place or if is related to learning to survive in a male-dominated field...but the women who stick it out, do well. That said, many don't stick it out. Of all the people I know who dropped out of the engineering school for some other major - more than 1/2 of them were women. And I wasn't even at a particularly tough school, either!

That said, her boyfriend's parents sound like crazy people and I think she is very, very lucky to have a mom like you!