Ironman 703 Lake Stevens

[Blueberry]

Hang in there Susan! I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision, and I'm sure there was a d@mn good reason.

[VeganBikeChick]

Hugs, Susan. A lot of people DNF'd today, according to my friend the super athlete who also DNF'D. She got hypothermic after the swim, was about 10 miles into her biking, couldn't brake at all due to the hills and dangerously wet and slippery pavement, and called it quits. She said there were a lot of crashes and lots of aid vehicles. Hope you got out safely.

[colby]

Hang in there Susan! I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision, and I'm sure there was a d@mn good reason.

Absolutely this. Thinking positive thoughts in your direction, Susan.

[sgf726]

+1 with what the others have said. I am sure it wasn't an easy decision and know you are probably disappointed.

I know you were using this as a checkpoint for IM Canada but don't let it set you back.

[GLC1968]

Oh wow, I just saw this. I don't know why I didn't think to check up on you here at TE!

I'm sorry to hear this. But I'm going to guess this had to do with your Reynauld's and not your training, so don't let it get you down. You can't control the water temp or the weather, right?

[Susan Otcenas]

So, I DNF'd somewhere around mile 10 on the bike. Had nothing to do with the bike and everthing to do with the swim.

First half of the swim was okay. Pretty good, actually. I was in wave 10 of 14. Big wave. But I started to the outside and swam pretty well. Breathing was smooth and easy, sighting seemed OK, and I was moving along OK. Not blazing, but alright. Made the far turnaround in 24-25 minutes, probably on track for about 50 minutes or so. Was still seeing lots of caps from my wave, so I was doing alright.

But I completely lost it in the second half. I couldn't breathe. Literally. My lungs were filling up with fluid and I was wheezing. Sounded like I had pneumonia or asthma or something. Deep chest rattling, gurgling, awfulness. I don't know what caused it. At some point I started to feel panicky, and I don't know if my breathing got bad and made me panicky, or if I got panicky and it made my breathing bad. Probably a vicious feedback loop. It's all a nightmarish blur at this point. But it doesn't really matter anyway, because the upshot is that I simply could not breathe.

I had to hang on to a kayak 3 freaking times in the last 800 meters or so. ****, the 3rd time I was within 100 meters of the dock and I just couldn't get there. It was so embarrassing. I barely made it in, but my pride wouldn't allow me to let them fish me out. I ended up being inthe water for 59:27. I walked slowly out of the water and to my bike. T1 was deserted, maybe a dozen people still left. I almost quit in transition, but decided to get on my bike and see how it went.

It was a bad idea. I was still wheezing, and coughing produced a deep liquid rattle. I could barely make it up the smallest inclines. By mile 5 I knew I was doomed. I just couldn't get any air. At 80-90 watts (barely turning the pedals), my HR was 125-130 (much higher than it should have been at that effort level) and my breathing was very rapid but very shallow. I stopped at the top of a very small hill and just tried to breathe. Unsuccessfully. I didn't know if I should turn around, keep going or what. I knew I wasn't going to finish, though. If I couldn't make it up a teeny little grade in the easy first half, I'd never survive the much harder second half. Eventually, I DNF'd when I arrived at the medical vehicle at mile 10. They took good care of me. My blood oxygen levels were low (they used one of those finger sensor thingies that clip on) and my HR wouldn't come down. It hovered around 90 for quite a long time, with me just sitting in the ambulance, wrapped up in blankets. I recovered eventually and they drove me back to transition.

It was humiliating, to be honest. And very very demoralizing.

Canada:

I'm withdrawing Canada. Nothing miraculous is going to happen in the remaining 6 weeks to turn me into a swimmer, much less a confident swimmer. I just have to face reality. And honestly, it's like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

I am at peace with this decision. Its not one I made in haste. I don't like giving up on something, but I KNOW I have tried really really hard and it's just not working. (In the past couple 3 months I've done the Hagg Lake Open Water 2000m swim race, the 1500m SWIM leg of a relay Olympic tri team, an Oly tri, lots of open water swimming at Hagg on the evenings & weekends, etc. Many of these have been successful efforts, but they clearly didn't help me this weekend.)

At some point one has to be realistic. The harsh truth is that I'm just not comfortable in the water. And this huge pressure I've put on myself to do Canada is just making it worse, not better. To be frank, it's making me feel really crummy about myself as an athlete and I don't want to feel that way.

So its time for me to back off for a while and do stuff for fun; to do things that make me feel good about myself again. Ride my bike. Just for the pure pleasure of it. Run without a HR monitor. Trail run. Crazy *** rando rides. Hang out with my friends and people who care about me, instead of always having to beg off because I have to train. I'm done with training for awhile. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of this stuff for me, and I want it back. I miss my riding buddies and I miss my Sweetpea.

The truth is, I've been dreading Canada (or more correctly, I've been dreading swimming 2.4 miles in the middle of 2500 people). DREAD! That's not the emotion one should have when thinking about a big event. Where's the fun in that?

It's ok. Really. I'm sad, but I'm also relieved it's over. I'm going to spend the rest of my summer having fun.

I'm not giving up on triathlon. (I'm already signed up for Lavaman in Hawaii in March!! ) I love the sport. But I don't like what it's become for me this year. As if I didn't already have HUGE respect for the amazing women on this forum and in my life who have done one (or many!) Ironman races, that respect and admiration has only increased through this experience. The mental strength and tenacity it takes to train & compete, and the personal sacrifices that are made in pursuing the goal....I'm just in awe.

[Veronica]

I'm proud of you. I think it's really important to realize that we do this because we enjoy it and if it is not making you happy, why bother?

If you ever decide to train for another IM, I'd really encourage you to think about the Vineman. It's run the same day as the HIM I do. The river is always warm - low 70s and it's been as high as 76. The water is shallow enough in some places that people walk. They start you in waves, not a mass start...The bike and run course are beautiful, but it can be hot. 95 the first year I did it. Hey, maybe I'd even do it with you.

Enjoy riding and running Susan.

Veronica

[GLC1968]

OK, I'll say it again - Wow! Good for you for knowing your limitations.

And honestly, yesterday Rick and I were talking about you. I don't remember the context or why it came up, but we were mentioning how all your training was likely making you miss out on so many other things this summer and he wondered how you continued to do it. My response was because you loved it and of course, if you no longer love it, it's time to stop. We aren't professionals, right?!

I think you made a good choice and I'm glad that you are at peace with it. You should be. Life is too short to dread the things we do for fun.

[salsabike]

I wonder if you had the same kind of acute pulmonary edema that happened to jesvetmed a few years ago? I'm going to PM her and ask her to weigh in on this thread and describe what happened to her. If so, it's truly not something you can argue with, and strength of mind has nothing to do with it---it's a real physiological event.

I am so very sorry you had such a crappy experience but so very glad that you're turning forwards towards the things you love to do!

Chris is looking forward to riding with you next summer at London-Edinburgh-London.

[sgf726]

Susan,
Not sure really what to say, sorry that you had such a bad experience but you seem to have a great attitude about the go forward.

I know it couldn't have been a easy decision but as others said this is suppose to be fun, and when its no longer fun its not worth it anymore.

Sharon

[Wahine]

I'm sorry Susan. It's so hard to DNF a race, especially one that you put so much heart into. I'll be very interested to hear your report.

ETA - Oops, somehow I missed the report. Just found it. I'm going back to read it now.

[colby]

The truth is, I've been dreading Canada (or more correctly, I've been dreading swimming 2.4 miles in the middle of 2500 people). DREAD! That's not the emotion one should have when thinking about a big event. Where's the fun in that?

It's ok. Really. I'm sad, but I'm also relieved it's over. I'm going to spend the rest of my summer having fun.

I'm not giving up on triathlon. (I'm already signed up for Lavaman in Hawaii in March!! ) I love the sport. But I don't like what it's become for me this year. As if I didn't already have HUGE respect for the amazing women on this forum and in my life who have done one (or many!) Ironman races, that respect and admiration has only increased through this experience. The mental strength and tenacity it takes to train & compete, and the personal sacrifices that are made in pursuing the goal....I'm just in awe.

Knowing the difference between dread and nervous anxiety is huge, it can be really subtle, and you might not actually know until AFTER you get to the point you need to test it. Nobody enjoys being in the position to pull out from a race, it's an incredibly difficult thought process. In the end, if you break it down and there are far more reasons NOT to do something than there are reasons to do it, it's an easy logical decision, but still a difficult emotional decision. It's entirely possible you could have had an awesome swim and still looked back on that experience and said twice that far just wasn't worth it.

6 weeks would have been a long time to push through. It's not about whether you COULD have done it (we all know you could have), but you made the decision that it wasn't worth it. If it's not fun, the reward of racing isn't a reward after all.

The reality is, if you decide you want to go after it again, it'll always be there, and you've got PLENTY of other opportunities to challenge yourself and still have fun doing it. It will be nice for swimming, riding, running, and training/racing in general to be fun again.

Congratulations on your decision, as weird as that sounds

[kacie tri-ing]

(((((HUGS)))))))

Decisions like that are tough.

You are still one serious BAMF in my book

[spindizzy]

I think what Salsa is referring to is "SIPE" or swimming induced pulmonary edema." Sure sounds like it.

I'm so glad that you're okay. Your DNF decision was not lightly made, and though tremendously disappointing, very wise.

You are strong and courageous. Please keep that with you and enjoy the rest of your summer.

((Susan))

[Susan Otcenas]

Knowing the difference between dread and nervous anxiety is huge, it can be really subtle, and you might not actually know until AFTER you get to the point you need to test it.

I was talking to a girlfriend about this point today. I *do* know the difference. Last summer I did PBP, as you know. I trained really hard for that. Put on the time, happily. It was hard work and a huge time suck, but that's ok because I loved every minute of it. Not all of my qualifying brevets went perfectly, but that's ok. I learned from each and every one, and refined my strategies as I went along. My dry run, as it were, was the 1000k I did in June. It was hard, really hard, and I had my share of low points on that ride but I got through it ( to which I still owe a debt if gratitude to Salsa's husband) and I learned a lot. When I flew off to France, I was totally stoked and looking forward to the ride. Sure, I was nervous and had a certain sense of trepidation, but I never doubted my preparedness for it, or my physical and mental capabilities for accomplishing it. I knew I had it in me.

But this ironman swim thing has really had me tied up in knots. It's been a struggle all season long. Short of seeing a sports psychologist, I've tried pretty much everything. In addition to all the OWS races and practice, I took swim lessons all spring. And I have made progress. My first OWS swim if the season I could barely make 500 yards with an escort. By June I managed a 2000m OWS race in under 43 minutes. The problem is that it's still such a crapshoot. Sometimes I'm calm, sometimes I'm a total basket case. I really do dread every outing and Canada scares the s h I t out of me. I think the root cause is that I just don't have the same confidence in my abilities as a swimmer. I'm not a strong swimmer, I lack endurance, I lack technique, I'm afraid of drowning (really truly viscerally afraid of it. Interestingly, so is my mom, so much so that she won't even take a bath. Shower only!), etc. all of these things turn me into a nervous wreck every time I get in the water. Shorter races aren't so bad. I guess I know by now that I can muddle through them. But I'm still just a basket case approaching the longer ones.

I haven't given up the idea of doing an ironman some day. Maybe for my 50th birthday. That would be a very life affirming goal for me.