Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[sarahkonamojo]

Park bike behind commuter truck. Your husband backs up over your bike and kills it. You get new bike. Both of you feel really guilty.
Horrible idea, of course.
I don't understand why he is so attached to your bike. He needs to give you more things more often. And perhaps you to him, also. And to really give, expecting nothing back. Too many strings attached to that bike. It is amazing you can even ride it.
I am horrible with relationships and muddle on with my own.
Best of all gifts,
S

[hebe]

If you had bought him his first ever computer, a few years back, would he feel as if he had to keep using it forever, or would he too be wanting to upgrade, ideally with your support?

I think you're being incredibly patient and considerate with his feelings, probably far more so than I would manage under the same circumstances. Good luck, and I hope you can come to an amicable arrangement when the time comes for your new bike. If nothing else, it's a great example to set to your children ("dad bought mum bike, mum loves and rides it so much that she's now able to have an even better one and the old one still gets ridden too"). Enjoy your cycling!

[ny biker]

PLUS,number three reason- DH will see me get another year deeper into the activity so any lingering doubts about my seriousness will be alleviated (not that he could have had any really, but hey, if I could understand him perfectly, we wouldn't have this thread). If his problem is truly that he believes that I am devaluing his original gift, perhaps more time is needed for him to see that it is not the case at all.

I think you are better off talking to your husband than to us. You would have a better chance of knowing what is really bothering him instead of speculating.

[Medianox]

ny biker-
"I think you are better off talking to your husband than to us. You would have a better chance of knowing what is really bothering him instead of speculating."


I did try talking to my husband. In fact, his lack of reasonable response is what prompted me to write originally. I mentioned at least once that he cuts me off when I bring it up (but is otherwise supportive and encouraging with my cycling). I posted here to see if I could get some perspective on the situation, and to see if any other women had experiences similar to mine.

Looks like I may get my chance today, as we are soon going to be hitting the road to go to a baseball game. Even though we are going to be heading in to SF, it is the weekend and who knows what the traffic is going to be like. Captive audience?

[indysteel]

I took NY's comment to refer, more specifically, to your speculation that your husband might be upset because you want to replace a bike that he gave you as a gift. I think that's an issue worth discussing with your husband as it doesn't appear that you already have. Perhaps that's what NY was getting at. Beyond that, I think you need to switch gears from trying to talk him into the bike to explaining your hurt and confusion over what feels like a lack of support from him. As lph suggested, the issue between you and your husband really goes beyond the bike itself and you'd be well advised to approach it as such--if you really want to get to the heart of why he has objected to the purchase.

I'd also say that I don't think a car ride is the best time to have a difficult discussion. Yes, you have a captive audience. But you're also both trapped if the conversation goes south.

[Irulan]

..and lets not forget "distracted driving"...

[Medianox]

Indysteel, I can see the point you make, and I can see the point that ny biker makes too. Sorry if my frustration at the whole thing spilled over some. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I was trying to be a little funny with the "captive audience" remark...I really don't intend to get into a deep discussion of bike buying while traveling. Was only attempting to lighten things a little.

As I have said, I'm going to let it be for now and after a time, see if he is more ready to talk about why he gets so defensive when I bring up the subject. Right now, it is just closed for discussion. I know him and it can take months (years even) for the right time to roll around.

Thanks again!

[malkin]

If it ends up being a devaluation of his gift that is bugging him, is is possible to work out a way to create some memento of the gift so that he can feel validated?

Early on, Brewer gave me a bathrobe; wrong size, wrong style, wrong fabric, you know--basically really nice, but not for me. I kept it, and have used parts of the fabric for other things. It had really great tassels too, perfect for lamp pulls!

[indysteel]

It can take months or years for the right time to roll around? To have a conversation about a bike? Something is just not adding up for me here. I'm sorry, but after everything you've shared I cannot help but conclude that there are some control issues going on or some kind of power imbalance. I'm sorry if I'm reading to much into it, but this seems like an awful lot of drama and angst for just a bike.

[shootingstar]

I hope you sort this one out and that he understands his gift helped you to go "further". Do you plan to cycle that bike after getting 2nd bike?

Buried in all this, is your capacity because you have a larger salary, to buy a 2nd bike, etc.

I did get my folding bike as a gift and am only able to bike it when at 2nd home and for longer touring rides. But he knows and would agree that where I work commute, it would be tough on the bike weather-wise. (and I'm also afraid it looks more desirable to steal...). I genuinely express my delight every time I do bike my gift because it is more nimble and a lighter bike than my daily use bike for commuting, everything else. This bike, his gift rides and feels like a wonderful "treat" to me.

His gift bike..bought 3 years ago has served and continues to serve me well. We've been biking together for past 20 yrs. I have 3 other bikes which I bought myself.

He complains mildly about my pile of brand new art supplies but knows how complicated it has been to split my stuff between 2 locations. And he knows he gets the gifts etc., from me...my art.

[jessmarimba]

I think my biggest moment of this was reading that he won't even let you upgrade the saddle on the current bike?? That's like him getting his new computer and you making him use dial-up internet. Regardless of whether you get the new bike, buy yourself a new saddle anyway. He shouldn't get to control that.

[lph]

I think my biggest moment of this was reading that he won't even let you upgrade the saddle on the current bike?? That's like him getting his new computer and you making him use dial-up internet. Regardless of whether you get the new bike, buy yourself a new saddle anyway. He shouldn't get to control that.

No, I think she wrote early on that she has put a new saddle on it, and has bought new tires. But I think the components are original, and the frame of course.

[Medianox]

-indysteel- No, not just for the bike conversation, for some issues in general. The bike thing I can see getting talked about later on in the summer (my birthday) or Christmas, just not now for whatever reason. It hits a nerve with him so I am letting it rest for now. I really think he has control issues and probably feels inadequate because I make more money than he does.

-Shootingstar- yes I do plan to keep my original bike forever as a winter bike or put it on the trainer for bad weather riding.

-jessmarimba-lol no. I have changed the saddle, tires, pedals, and bar tape. I added water bottle cages and the computer but the components and the frame are all original.

Again, thank you all for your insights. I may still continue to prowl bike sites, and drool over other bikes when I see them on the road but I'll keep my thoughts to myself for now. Whow knows? He has been known to surprise me and out of the blue he just may say, "hey, about that new bike you want? Lets go look at some.....". =)

[Irulan]

after four pages of dimestore analysis, I still think marriage counseling is the way to go. Ongoing issues that you can't talk about and cant resolve don't resolve themselves.

[jessmarimba]

-jessmarimba-lol no. I have changed the saddle, tires, pedals, and bar tape. I added water bottle cages and the computer but the components and the frame are all original.

Whew. I've been reading the forum on my iphone screen lately so I probably missed a key word in the entry about that. Thank goodness!