Strange situation need advice please.

[Melalvai]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

[shootingstar]

I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.

And don't put a return address on the envelope. Right now, the problem is not even him. It's his ex-wife.

A few words from you may mean something....I mean who wants to die alone?

[channlluv]

I have really mixed emotions on this one, too, having lost my father to cancer two years ago. I had kind of a similar relationship, which is to say, not much of one, with my father. He abandoned my mother, two younger brothers, and me when I was four. Never paid child support, rarely took us for visitation, etc.

I'll skip the long story, but know that I can empathize with you. When I did go back to see him about a month before he actually passed, his wife (whom I adore) told me he'd told her I was the biggest regret of his life. Now, on the surface, this looks like he was saying he regretted never having had a real relationship with me. I'm the only one of his six acknowledged kids that didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up. (When I graduated college, and moved back to my hometown, I did some searching and found out where he worked. I went there to surprise him -- I was 21 and he hadn't seen me since I was about ten or eleven. He didn't recognize me. I had to introduce myself.)

Anyway, biggest regret...because he never got to be a father to me, or because I was an "accident" and he was forced - literally, a shotgun wedding - to marry my mother and then had two more kids in short order. She was 21 years old with three kids under the age of four when they split. He was 24. And stupid. And he never got to finish college because he had to support his family and the pressure of being an adult drove him to drugs and other women, which nearly drove my mother to suicide....long story, as I said.

So biggest regret...that he didn't know me or that he didn't wear a condom?

That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday.

Much, much love to you. Can you take someone who loves you with you? Someone who can pull you out if it gets too painful?

Good luck with this decision.

Roxy

[goldfinch]

Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .

I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Good posts with lots of wisdom.

[ladyicon]

Do not feel guilty for not going. He does not deserve you at his side after he has snubbed you all these years. Be good to yourself and dont go, but do not feel guilty.
If you feel too much guilt, then go see him.
As you can see I support both sides. just do what you feel is right for YOU.

[salsabike]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melalvai
Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by channlluv
I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Originally posted by Goldfinch
Good posts with lots of wisdom.


Yes. I think so too.

[Brandi]

I sat and wrote a letter to him today. Don't know if I am going to send it. I might just go down to the beach and give it to the ocean. I felt better after I wrote it though. And it really seemed to pour out. My hand got tired from writing. Ha i think i type way more then I write anymore.

[Brandi]

I am feeling a little better every day i am home. Have an acupuncture session tomorrow and a belated birthday message on Thursday. By friday I should be in a good space. I will let you all know what I decide. Your support has been soooo awesome! I mean wow you are all worth a million to me. If I could buy you all coffee (or a beer) I so would! A girls night with all of you would be so much fun!

[Brandi]

By the way I would have to drive 4 hours to Los Angeles to see him. * hour round trip, I just spent time on the road so driving any place is also well ehhhhhh don't wanna.

[lph]

If I could buy you all coffee (or a beer) I so would! A girls night with all of you would be so much fun!

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime Cheers! *clink*

[Brandi]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

That is a very interesting story! Seriously! And about the medical stuff I do know some. He has been prone to skin cancer mainly because he was a surfer and a gardener. And since I am a sand sculpture I have taken to protecting myself out doors and see my derm Dr once a year. As far as the other things he has problems with I am not sure. And if I ask I am afraid it will open a cans of worms.

[Brandi]

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime Cheers! *clink*

Oh I like that! We should set a date and anyone who wants to join has to be on at the same time and having a cold one of their choice and we all should take a picture of us enjoying it! Oh we should do this! I am going to post a new thread and see how many of us can join!

[Brandi]

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime Cheers! *clink*

So what what is the time diff for you. We have to try and line up the beer party to when you can hopefully.

[lph]

Since whenever I post seems to be like 4 am in the morning for most of you, to be honest I'm probably out.

Or I get to hang out with those of you who are still boozing at 4 am, which should be fun

No, just go set a time that works for the us gals, and I'll post a photo on the thread anyway.

[Brandi]

So I will set the scene here. Taking a lavender bubble bath, pumpkin beer, fav kitty in the sink keeping me company, phone rings, husband yells "it's her". Then I hear her voice on our machine saying things like "I know you don't care" " I don't know what your mom told you but your dad paid child support" " He did what he was supposed too" blah blah. OMG I might have to call the phone company and see if I can block her #. My bath beer and kitty moment was ruined. Siiigghhhh