Peer issues

[Owlie]

I'm currently a grad student in a master's program in a biological science discipline. I'm starting to notice that I'm having some...issues with my peers/friends. We're sort of friends by default because there are only 4 (A, B, and C, plus me) American students in my program, and then there's the Chinese girl in the group because she's the only Chinese person in our year.

I'm not sure how to feel about these people. We had a test today, and met up on Monday and Wednesday to study together. Both times, it devolved into me explaining all the material that the test covered to them. To a point, I don't mind it, since explaining it helps me learn it. I should not, however, be a substitute for the professor. And to be honest, a lot of the stuff that I was explaining, they should have learned as an undergrad.

Friend A is really obnoxious about it--"OWLIE, SHOW ME HOW TO DRAW THE GRAPHS! CAN YOU EXPLAIN [BROAD CONCEPT] TO ME?" While she has her good points, she manages to act really stupid and immature at times (so people will explain things to her), and yet everyone in our class thinks she's the smart one because she's loud. (So they all go to her with questions!) I really don't mind explaining things to friends B and C. B tends to at least think about things before she asks me, or at least will admit she's tried and doesn't understand. C has no biology background (he was a chemical engineering major), so I don't mind explaining biology to him, because at least I don't have to tell him stuff that he should have learned in general chemistry.

I feel used. I lost my patience with A and B this morning while trying to explain something, so I feel guilty about it. I really don't want to break off being friends with A, because when she's not acting stupid or asking me something for the 20th time, she's a pretty good friend. (Also because then I really wouldn't have any friends in this class, since she and B and C are quite buddy-buddy.) What do I do?

[Bethany1]

Not sure how to really handle it. My daughter is facing the same issue at middle school. She gets put into group projects where no one does anything or plays "dumb" making her do the rest. She knows she's being used and feels trapped by the teacher and the kids if says no. They are all sliding by thanks to her. She doesn't have a problem teaching someone if they really need the help. It's the "dumb" people that bring her down and pass the class by using the smart people that work hard.

[smilingcat]

Don't hand the solution/answer on a silver platter. Ask them questions. Do you think that is right? If so, why do you think its right?

Formatting of graphs and such, just give them an example or tell them to look in the book on page such and such.

Make them work for their answer. That should put an end to the free hand outs. You will also learn from this because you will see how others are breaking down the problem and how they perceive the problem. What aspect of the problem is important, what aspect of the problem is only secondary and how all the issues are inter-related.

I rarely give out the answers straight up. Always made them work for it.

For the kids who are skating by by riding on daughters tail-coat, explain only the things that is needed to finish the group project. Her time is valuable.

[Hi Ho Silver]

I've been in the same situation as you in the past. I ultimately concluded that I was being used. I corrected the problem via the "Strategic Incompetence" approach: Purposely performing a task so poorly as to discourage being assigned this task again, but not poorly enough to be fired. (Refer to http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work...-unwanted-task )

Good luck...

[Crankin]

Notice how Bethany compared your situation to her daughter in middle school?. This is not adult behavior. Personally, I would not offer to "help" so much. When I was, briefly, in a PhD program, I was in a study group for statistics. Nothing like this ever happened. Maybe we were all dumb! But, 2 masters degrees later, the worst thing I've seen is people who can't write or spell, or use APA style correctly.
Frankly, I have a rule that I am not socially friendly with work peers. It just doesn't work. Since your classmates are like work peers, I might try to follow this rule. Let them get a tutor they have to pay for, or worse, ask the professor.

[Grits]

I tried a group study thing in college, and it did not work out. I was able to study much more efficiently by myself. After that, I just told people that I didn't do well studying in groups. I guessed it was my learning style. Do you have to study in a group?

[shootingstar]

Smiling cat gave good advice. Then Owlie, you have to walk away or otherwise you will get hounded over time.

You are all adult women, at a university grad program. Some of these folks ...have to wean themselves.

If that means I end up being abit more isolated --fine. Grad school is temporary and make the most of it ...for the best learning opportunities to expand your own knowledge.

I love the socializing part....group study is not truly my thing.

[Becky]

Don't hand the solution/answer on a silver platter. Ask them questions. Do you think that is right? If so, why do you think its right?

<snip>

Make them work for their answer. That should put an end to the free hand outs. You will also learn from this because you will see how others are breaking down the problem and how they perceive the problem. What aspect of the problem is important, what aspect of the problem is only secondary and how all the issues are inter-related.

I rarely give out the answers straight up. Always made them work for it.

This. Nothing in life is free, including answers. I'm currently employing the same method with a new employee at work. She might hate me for it, but I'm making her think, and preserving my sanity because I don't feel like I'm giving her a free ride. She'll be better-trained and more skilled in the end, and the same is true for your study session buddies.

[indysteel]

I'm having flash backs to law school. It's a difficult world to negotiate. I don't remember that part of my graduate school experience very fondly. Of course, I had 200 people in my class, so at least I had a bigger pool from which to choose my friends.

In your case, I suppose you could do one of several things. You could simply not study with them and limit your relationship to just being friends with them. Next time they ask you to join a study group, say that you think you process the material better on your own.

Depending on the depth of our friendship, you could instead try to express your frustration--tactfully--without it blowing up into a big fight. That's what I might do. For instance, the next time a study group session goes off track, say to them "guys, I feel like you're all depending on me a little too much to teach you the material...." If you really feel like A is the biggest problem within the group, perhaps you could just say that to her privately.

But, obviously, you have to choose your words carefully here. There are better and worse ways to assert yourself. I'd rather you took that tact that simply bottling up all your frustration and then blowing up at them. That won't help your cause either.

To me, this situation is an opportunity for you to practice learning how to calmly and appropriately assert yourself. I think women in particular aren't very practiced at doing that, so we either bottle everything or become really passive/aggressive in our dealings with others. Neither approach is healthy, nor does it do much to build good personal and professional relationships. I wish I'd learned a long time ago to (a) be more honest and direct with people and (b) not try to fix everyone's feelings. Remember that there is a middle ground between avoiding people entirely and taking whatever it is they dish out at you. The quality people in my life are the ones who can deal with me laying appropriate boundaries to take care of my own needs without taking it so personally.

The only other thing I'd add is that you come off as a little, um, egotistical in your post. Perhaps you really are the smartest person in the room. Good for you if that's the case, but what I've learned over the years in my professional and personal relationships, is that a little humility goes a long way with people.

[Biciclista]

I can think of a number of ways to put "A" off. "I don't have time right now" comes to mind; "I dont' feel comfortable being your tutor" is another.
I hope you can change the focus of this relationship. You might also tell her that you can barely do your own work, it's hard for you to do hers too.
What do you want from your friends? Tell them.

[withm]

When I was in grad school, they were big on having us work in teams of 3 or 4 on all projects; sort of a built-in study group.

We finally had to fire one of our teammates due to her failure to produce anything of use or value in the first 6 weeks of the class. She had lots of crazy excuses as to why she could not participate. The other 3 of us went to the professor and explained the situation and said we could not/would not tolerate this any longer, and we fired her. He was on board with that. I think she had to drop that class, and may have dropped out of the program - but it was a long time ago and I just don't remember.

[makbike]

You might try this when student A tells you she does not understand. Simply say to her "If you did understand what might you say?" This opens the door for her to beginning talking about the topic/question at hand. She may be surprised at what she does already know and it takes the burden off you to explain. It is easier to say you don't know something than it is to think it through and figure out what you may already know. She is codependent on you to explain everything and in turn she does not have to think problems through.

[goldfinch]

I went to law school in the Paper Chase years, where study groups were common. I hated studying with others. I found it inefficient and a waste of time. The idea was that you would do better challenged by a group but I just didn't roll that way.

My preference was to study alone late in the evening or early in the morning and then hang out with friends B.S'ing during my free time. Maybe you could try to find other ways to socialize with A and gradually phase out of the group study by saying you already prepared and have to get some bike riding in.

[Biciclista]

Maybe you could try to find other ways to socialize with A and gradually phase out of the group study by saying you already prepared and have to get some bike riding in.

yeah what Goldfinch said!

[jusdooit]

The title to this post says "peers," which seems a more accurate description of your relationship to these folks. I know you have a limited amount of free time, but I think you should get involved with a local cycling club. If I remember correctly you are at WSU. I suggest using the Dayton Cycling Club for a social outlet.
I concur with others who suggest not gifting your fellow classmates with the answers. I typically lead others to the correct answer with the line of questioning I use.
Good luck.