Depression

[alexis_the_tiny]

I need to rant. After months of thinking I've gotten my chronic depression under control finally, I've slid firmly back into it again. Which isn't unexpected, given that despite all optimism from the doctors and shrinks, I've had cycle after cycle of 'feeling good-oops, depressed again-oh, feel good' again for, well, pretty much my whole life.

What I didn't expect is how much it'd affect my training. I understand that when in a state like that, I can expect to not find pleasure in doing just about everything. I did not, however, expect to wake up this morning for a much anticipated ride to be hit by the feeling of "S**t, I'm not cut out for this, I'm wasting my time, I hate my bike, why am I not selling the darned bike and just calling it a day". Neither did I expect that after FINALLY dragging my butt out to my usual training route, I would stop after 5km and just start BAWLING my eyes out in front of God and every dang cyclist training on that road, because there's another 55km more to go.

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother. Obviously, the answer is to see my therapist more often until this whole episode blows away. I'm just so annoyed by the whole thing. Its embarrassing, to begin with. And I've always prided myself on my ability to at least suck it up when faced with something like physical pain or a long distance ride. Instead, I just melted like the wicked witch in a swimming pool.

[Blueberry]

No advice, just a virtual hug.

[KnottedYet]

Hugs from me, too.

Yes, it sucks.

Therapists are good, but also ask your doc to check your vit D levels and iron levels. Changing of the seasons really throws my vit D off whack and I need to supplement vit D to a ridiculous degree just to be in the low normal range. I got so bad last year that my doc put me on antidepressants while she waited for the blood level tests to come back. (the antidepressants nearly killed me, because I wasn't actually depressed at the time) I've done enough therapy that I should have been given a frickin' honorary PhD in psychology, but all the good tricks I learned for dealing with the dumps were useless in the face of vit D and iron deficiency.

One week of intense vit D and iron (CRAZY amounts) and my world was a better place.

It's very simplistic and ridiculously low-tech, but it might be worth checking your vit D and iron now. Perhaps they are playing a contributing part in your cycles of good-oops-good-oops.

[shootingstar]

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother.

Gosh, I'm a slacker by comparison. I have zero interest in competing in anything related to cycling or in any sport for past few decades. If I did, for certain it would pull me down further in a depression.

Regardless of your performance, hope you still keep on cycling. Or jogging abit. Just for your own sheer pleasure. Otherwise, why do it?

Keep bits of the natural endorphin drug chugging along while you work away with therapist on other stuff.

[KnottedYet]

"Regardless of your performance, hope you still keep on cycling. Or jogging abit. Just for your own sheer pleasure. Otherwise, why do it?"

Clinical depression is a wee bit different than being overwhelmed by the thought of competition.

It's not just a gloomy day.

It's when you wake up in the morning, needing to pee, and have to actively decide whether to just wet the bed or get up and use the toilet. And getting up to use the toilet becomes the major activity of the day, requiring the kind of effort most folks use to complete a marathon.

Shtting Star, I'm very glad you've never experienced clinical depression.

(part of true depression is that there IS NO pleasure, in *anything*, so doing something for sheer pleasure is moot. Bummer, but that's the way it is.)

[OakLeaf]

(((((alexis)))))

I know you know ... but don't be embarrassed. Shame is such a vicious cycle. You were crying, they were sweating, it's what your bodies do. It's OK.

Hang in there. We're pulling for you.

[Crankin]

Yes, clinical depression is not the same as fear of competition, but the stress relating to the upcoming event can trigger a new round of depressed thoughts. Like any other disease, sometimes you have to change approaches. Go see your therapist, evaluate your psychotropic meds with your doctor, and like Knott said, check out a few simple things that could affect your mood.
PM me if you want.

[malkin]

alexis, I'm sorry.
But after you melted down, you got up, and at least now you are typing, and it sounds like you have a path to walk even now while it is hard.

I was bawling all over town yesterday. I mostly managed to make it to my car, but yah-it's embarrassing or socially weird and certainly not my first choice.

[Catrin]

I am sorry that you are having to endure this right now, but proud of you that you came here to tell us about this. I had a huge problem with clinical depression for decades until about 6 years ago, and it comes in so many forms. I know what this feels like.

+1 on what Knotted said about getting your vitamin levels checked. There are so many things that affect mood in a real way, and that is without throwing in a tendency for major depression.

Sending many hugs for you, and while it probably doesn't feel like it, this will pass. Just keep trying to put one foot in front of another while working with your doctor...

{{{Alexis}}}

[colorisnt]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been here. Very recently and almost didn't do my ride today because of my doubts and such. Definitely see your therapist.

The only thing that helps me is kicking my own ***. I feel so much better when I do it.

I hope that things look up and just remember that you are a great person with a lot to offer the world. Don't let it get you down. There is something good on the way!

[Aggie_Ama]

((Hugs)) I have been there too. Sitting on the side of the trail crying uncontrollably and DH asking what was wrong but you don't even know. The days where brushing my teeth was a battle. I never understood how much depression controlled my life. My doctor at first didn't know if it was just a bout or long term. So he told me to work out, like it is that easy. I was angry running and bawling cycling. I don't have advice but I you have virtual support and a cheerleader. You can still do the Du and you can still be the strong trooper you ARE not WERE.

[alexis_the_tiny]

You guys are the best. Thanks so much for the kind words, it really helps knowing someone knows what I'm talking about. I was on meds for a bit but turns out, I'm one of those 'lucky' few who experience suicidal thoughts as a side effect so I made the choice to pass. Oh irony, what a cruel b****.

I got to hang out with a friend's dog later, there's really nothing like doggy company to make things feel a bit less dire. I need to remind myself that I do races because I want something in my life depression cannot take away from me. If I can't fight this with anything else, might as well bank in on my notorious stubborn streak.

[Catrin]

Stubborness is a great thing to fall back on and glad to hear you got to hang out with a dog. Hanging out with a cat helps me in the same way.

Different meds do act differently - back in the day I couldn't take SSRI meds because of certain...side effects that I won't mention, but I could take Wellbutrin just fine as it isn't an SSRI - it works with another chemical in the brain (dopamine). I am thankful that I was able to give that up about 6-7 years ago, but it was a life saver at the time...

[channlluv]

It's very simplistic and ridiculously low-tech, but it might be worth checking your vit D and iron now. Perhaps they are playing a contributing part in your cycles of good-oops-good-oops.

Me, too. I am on antidepressants, but the endocrinologist I saw six months ago did a blood panel that found I was slightly anemic and low on Vitamin D. He prescribed 3,000 mg per day. I get the lemon drop kind at Henry's. It's a fat-soluble vitamin, so you have to eat it with fat. I take mine with eggs at breakfast, or a piece of toast with almond butter or peanut butter.

For the iron, he just told me to eat more leafy greens and red meat, because it's easy to OD on iron, and mine wasn't all that low, I guess.

How is your sleep? Sleep apnea can lead to depression, high blood pressure, irritability, brain fog, obesity, and all sorts of other ugliness. I was diagnosed three years ago. I'm getting fitted for a MORA device tomorrow - mandibular orthopedic repositioning appliance, I think - and it's my first real ray of hope in years for getting out from under this dark cloud.

Hugs from me, too. I've been where you are. Good luck getting the help you need.

Roxy

[ClockworkOrange]

Hey, Alexis, you rant as loudly and as much as you want, we are always here for you.

Yeah, I know, it's a bit cheesey but I like it and hope you do too.

<<<<<hugs>>>>>

Clock