I just want to love to ride again.

[HermitGirl]

I am posting an unhappy personal grievance in the general discussion, but underneath it all it is *very* happy stuff, has been in the past, and I dream it to be again in the future. My only problem is that for years upon years upon years ( oh, try 15 ?) I have dreamed of getting 'back into' cycling the backroads of my mountain with sheer joy, as I once did when I started about 22 years ago. The first few years were beautiful, I was so manic about it all, just totally in love with the rambling sensation of going out solo for a ride, whether on the flats, or the hills (but I love the hills the best now, and avoid the flats). Spinning away made me very content, and I felt so much authenticity, and I made my own life, was very healthy, and happy and fit. Then... then it leveled out for a few more and I continued to ride, but it started to change.

Somewhere along the line I let it all get sabotaged. Joined a bike club, started hanging out with both mtn bikers and road speedsters, got really competative (never raced, just group rides), extremely technical, and I after feeling on top of the world, eventually I became jealous of the new popular fresh faces of the women who came into the scene and did better than me... were thinner, younger, faster, etc. I just couldnt' stay on top. Basically, the whole group experience escalating into a really egoistic competative match... and after I burned out, it just deflated completely. It just went down hill from there, with so many painful, sad, guilty, and self conscious associations that dragged it down for me. I gradually gained 50 pounds, where I am today. I truly think I am meant to go at it retro and solo. That's where the love was before, and I know it can be there in the future.

I know that given the right level of enchantment again, the right notch of enthusiasm, and the right group of women on this forum, (or men, don't mean to be gender exclusive ) I can align my passions once again. I need to conquer my heavy burden of expectation that was cast upon me and cycling , from that group experience that lasted nearly a decade, from around '94 to '03, wow... already 6 years ago now. I'd like to think SlowRiding, on my rigid panniered mtn bike ('93 Cannondale rigid atb) with killer hill gearing I had put on it for commuting, handbuilt wheels.... and put love and spirituality back into the pedaling... the old calming solo love of the road and hours ahead of me... instead of jealous, inadequate, catty and competative associations I'd learned to feel when in the saddle.

I've been a poster off and on for a year almost, never really following through on a regimen, as you can imagine. This is what I want so bad. Please , can anybody relate? I could just give me a little shove in the right direction, to the right forum, to the right Happenin' Thing, or pm me for a buddy system .... I just want to do it all again. I need help. I need friends. I need helping friends. A bunch of 'em. I need to be lured back into the saddle by a new bunch of fun-loving riders! ~Jen

[Biciclista]

You're already on the right forum. And in NO CAL, there are lots of cyclists who are women. And if you need inspiration, Tomorrow is the Death Ride. YOu can go there and cheer some other people on!

We all have our demons. I'm lazy and I too get frustrated when everyone else is better than I am. I did a mountain climb a few weeks ago, and even though 98% of the other riders passed me going up (well, and going down, too!) I still managed to have a great ride. You can do it.

GOod luck and welcome to TE.

[Becky]

OMG. I could have written that second paragraph about me. I don't belong to a club, but I work PT at a bike shop and the competitiveness of it all (co-workers and customers!) just drains me. All of the talk about equipment and how fast and how far just makes me want to cry some days. What happened to just riding for fun?

I'm sorry that I don't have advice for you, but I can definitely sympathize with you, cuz I'm feeling exactly the same way. I'm looking forward to what others have to say and share about this topic.

(((Hugs)))

[Tri Girl]

Welcome back, Jen. I can relate in a way. When I first started riding I immediately fell into triathlons. Started training fast, getting competitive and having fun. Then at some point it wasn't fun anymore (I gained about 20 lbs and couldn't keep up and started to feel unathletic, slow, fat, etc). This year I decided to not race. I'm riding slower and learning to look around and not just focus on the road in front of me. I did a 4 day supported tour and have taken the cyclometer off my bike. I'm trying to learn to love riding again, not because I can go fast, but because being on my bike is such a joy. Today I rode for 1.5 hours and had a great time. I took my time, stopped to take pictures, watched the ducks in the lake, noticed how the sun shone on the water, etc. When I got home I realized I only averaged 11 mph. If I'd known that on the ride, it would've bothered me and made me get all angry/competitive.

Go for some rides without the cyclometer, without your HR monitor, with a snack to stop and enjoy along the way, and just enjoy being outside on your bike.

[HappyTexasMom]

I'm a newbie, so don't have past experiences to share. But I think your experience articulates for me a fear that I have that I haven't been able to put my finger on until just now. I know I don't want to do competitive biking. I'm not a competitive person and don't really think I am or ever will be a strong enough athlete to do so. However I do want to get better...I want to be fast/good enough not to hold the people around me back. I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. I'm in it for the joy of riding, and for the scenery. One of many reasons I've chosen this sport is because I want to be able to see things that I can't see in a gym, and don't have the range to see while walking/running. I'm already enjoying the things I see right around my neighborhood by bike that I've never seen in my car, even though I've lived here 15 years. Roads I don't (or can't) drive on. Smells in the air. The sound of the wind blowing in the trees (however few and far between they are...ha!). Cycling is just fast enough to get somewhere, yet slow enough to enjoy the journey. I love it (so far). But I do fear that as I try to get better/faster, somewhere along the way it won't be fun anymore.

I like the ideas of taking off the cyclometer, and enjoying the ride for what it is. I guess it's a metaphor for life...aren't we supposed to be enjoying the ride, certainly not seeing how quickly we can get to the end?

[HermitGirl]

Bicyclista ~ I dont' think I'll go to the DeathRide, but thanks for the suggestion. Being in the fray of excitement isn't the joy, at least for long. I prefer aspiring to be a Quiet Solo Rider really. I have one girlfriend who shares the mtn we live on, she just bought a bike, we're planning on starting up again together, riding together on some weekends.... just SlowRiders of the mtn.

Becky ~ Glad you can relate ! WE should pm !

Tri Girl ~ I agree fully... slow down, pack the panniers full of stuff ; picnic, campstove and coffee, knitting, good book

TexasMom ~ Stay with the thread then, lets learn to ride for pure relaxation and slow fitness (sort of like slow food?)

[Kalidurga]

This is what helped me:



Because of that, I took the computer off of my bike at the beginning of this year, and I haven't logged into bikejournal.com even once. It's made a world of difference, like being a kid again just out riding for the heck of it. Whether I'm alone or with riding partners, I just ride.

[HermitGirl]

Kalidurga ! Thank you !!! I totally relate to the whole thing ! It was written just for ME !

I even have four bikes (downsized from six) . One for every occasion, 'cept that in recent years they have been sorely utilized.

I think I need to start with that 10-minute ride, as often as possible .

I will print this out and put it in my bathroom to see everymorning !

[Tri Girl]

Kalidurga- that's a great article!!! Thanks for posting it.

[HappyTexasMom]

slow down, pack the panniers full of stuff ; picnic, campstove and coffee, knitting, good book

God that sounds fabulous. Now to get good enough to go some sort of distance. (I love to knit and read, too!).

[Becky]

Kalidurga- that's a great article!!! Thanks for posting it.

+3!

A more print-friendly version is available at http://www.sheldonbrown.com/bridgest...4/pages/12.htm.
I will be hanging this up in the bike room!

[HermitGirl]

God that sounds fabulous. Now to get good enough to go some sort of distance. (I love to knit and read, too!).

Heck, I've wanted to post a SlowRider forum forever, never found one. On the SlowRiders forum , the motto would be "ride fast enough,just to keep the bike upright, and from falling over." All about panniers and packing them for a tour of your hometown, or your neighborhood, suburban backroads, whatever. Chase after and log the wonderful Vista Spots!

Knitter too? COol.

Another cool item for panniers : pruners, to make cuttings along the way to propogate. I love to garden as well.

[Zen]

I rode with a club for one summer and that was enough.
I always carry my camera.
I don't care how many people pass me.
If the ride turns into a bad experience I cut it short.
I don't read anything here that hints of anything extreme. The word "epic" and graphs are, well I'll be nice and just say avoided.

I chose my user name with good reason. Yours will come.

[HermitGirl]

Another thing has occurred to me : I met my DH when I was race-fit, and 50 pounds smaller and buffer, and well, I think I let my whole self image shape itself around his impression of me (or my perception of his impression of me) , and so, talk about unrealistic expectations to be upheld. Many married women know how emotionally constricting it is to have a false halo or bunch of old worn-out expectations as baggage to carry in a relationship. I realized just as I was getting choked by my own guilt, that I am getting choked by a degree of percieved expecation from my DH, and that does *nothing* good for a marriage, believe me. A real lose-lose situation, but one I must own up to, and take full responsibility in turning around. Oy. Hard work on all fronts !

[ginny]

Ms Hermit,

I totally relate. I have been there... with alpine skiing. Oh man, I just LOVED to ski when I was a kid. I didn't know about form; I didn't care. I loved feeling the snow slide beneath me and I even loved falling down and seeing how much stuff I could lose each time I fell. I was the kid with the tree cops chasing me. Then, I went to college and I couldn't afford to ski. I joined ski patrol so I could ski for free. These were good skiers. They were technically accurate and fast and competitive. I got better - quite good in fact. Then the magic went away, then I burned out. My answer, quit ski patrol. Take up telemarking and snow boarding and skate skiing and x country skiing and ... well you get the picture. I think it's analogous to the advice you have received here. Ride when you feel like it. Recapture that joy - I love silly things on my townie bike - it helps me not take myself too seriously. Falling off is also quite good for my ego, but maybe that's just me. I like the picnic / knitting idea - how fun! Don't push it, and your sport will recapture yor imagination. Enjoy the journey!