Please help..MIL in town

[solobiker]

I just need a place to vent. My in-laws are in town, they got here a week ago and will be here for the month. They are staying with us. We have a small house and it is feeling smaller and smaller every day. They are nice people, she is sometimes just a little to controlling and always gives DH (her son) complements even if it is something I did. I have been staying at work a little longer just to avoid going home. I get home about 3 hours before DH so I just end up sitting there with them waiting for him to come home kind of uncomfotable. When ever I am cooking she tells me how to do it. Then she was trying to argue with me about how medicaid works in a nursing home. She would not believe me, even though I am the one who has dealt with this for 14 years and she has never dealt with it. Ugh sorry for venting..I just need a break.

[sundial]

Oh bless your heart. Is there a way your husband could help with damage control by getting them out of the house for awhile to give you a break? Maybe take them to see Christmas lights?

[Irulan]

Be polite, smile, say "no thanks I will do it my way" and escort her out of the kitchen, "isn't Jeopardy on". Or find a task just for her ( you make the salad). Or you can start world war III by saying FINE YOU DO IT.

I had a aunt in law that was like this, looking for all the dust, know it all in the kitchen.
She had a freak out because I roast my turkeys upside down. She was going completely ballistic ( politely) about it when I got a call from a friend wanting to know how I did the "most delicious turkey ever". My friend got a kick out of it, he said I bet you wish you had a speaker phone.

I would not sit there, you are not in the entertainment business. Do whatever you need to do just be nice about it. "I have to go fold 17 loads of laundry, I will be in the basement". That puts the ball in her court. She can come help you and chat you up, or sit there, her choice. Same thing, go to the grocery, who knows maybe she'll pick up the bill.

[solobiker]

Good idea, we actualy did that after some errands we had to do. It is just a little tough and not to reveal TMI but our house is an old bungalow with no real "private" bathroom to use so some issues are a little hard to manage Don't get me wrong, my Inlaws are great people, it is just that DH and I are used to being on our own.
One of my co-workers had me laughing so hard today as she says when her Mom comes to her house to visit (they are from the Philoppines) her Mom shares her bed with her! And her Mom stays with her for a month. She says it is their custom. Boy I am glad my MIL does not want to do that.

[SadieKate]

I'm with Irulan. If they're there for the month, do what you normally would. Laundry, errands, whatever. For that length of time they should be self-maintaining.

DO NOT train them to expect that you will provide all the entertainment and all the cooking and cleaning, especially if you are both working througout. If they want maid and chef services, make them a reservation at the local hotel.

Maybe even give them an assignment to trade off cooking a couple nights a week, just don't do a reverse-MIL.

[Zen]

it would be be difficult to have any houseguest for a month. I don't think I'd even want to be a houseguest for a month.

I can't offer any suggestions that don't involve alcohol.

[pardes]

When will everyone learn that house guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days.

My ex-husband of a million years ago stopped by for a visit a few years ago to amuse me with stories of...."you know how my mother hated you....well she hates my new wife EVEN MORE!"

Yup, his mother held the all time record for the worst MIL but then she was one of the most unhappy people I ever met so I could never really enjoy disliking her. And as much as I'm glad to longer be married to my ex-husband, I also find great satisfaction that his present wife wins the worst DIL title.

The only advice I can give you is to be who you are and don't pretend feelings you don't have. Ultimately, even if they continue to give you a hard time, they recognize a genuine person being genuine and they will, perhaps only secretly, be glad their son is lucky enough to have someone like you.

[Flybye]

Colorado is not THAT far of a drive to Idaho where I live - want to come stay with me for a bit?
Don't be sorry, vent all that you want, I have a MIL, too! No apology necessary.

[solobiker]

Thanks for all of your support

[kermit]

You are a brave woman, a month? My MIL stayed for three days and I too worked late every day, on purpose. Sweetest lady in the world, but yeah, small house. Keep your normal routine, when they get bored of watching you do laundry, they will find something to do.

[Tuckervill]

I'm a mother-in-law, and not all of us are a giant PITA.

If your MIL is elderly and set in her ways, you might want to just not engage her in arguments about Medicare or whatever. Is it really important if you are right or not? She wants to be right, humor her a little. One of you has to be an adult about it all--you will take more pride in yourself if it's you. Right now it seems like a month is a looooong time, but it will be over before you know it, and then you can be free to do and feel what you want.

If she's younger and able-minded, I'd try to come to some kind of terms with her. I hate when these kinds of things give all MIL's a bad name. Maybe she's just feeling misunderstood (certainly, you are!). It sounds to me like the two of you should come to some kind of agreement on something--anything. Try to figure out what that is that you can give over to her, completely, with no reservations. Let her be right. Does it really matter if the turkey is upside down or not? Give in on something and maybe she will be more likely to give in on something else. It just sounds like a power struggle to me. If you don't push back, she'll just fall on her face.

I know it must feel horrible to know she's sitting there watching you operate in the kitchen and just waiting to pounce on whatever you do that's different from her. You can avoid this situation with a little advance planning. Go and do the things you would do normally in those three extra hours, and like others have said, add on some more--especially something you've been putting off, like cleaning out the closet or whatever. Don't just sit there with her.

And, I think I'd strongly encourage DH to take a few hours off early once or twice a week until the visit is over. It's not fair of him to leave it all on you.

One last thing--take notes, in case you're a MIL one day.
Karen

[tulip]

I feel for you Solobiker. My ex MIL would come stay with us from Europe, not for a month (she would split her time with her daughter), but even a few days would put me in a really bad mood.

It helped me to realize that I could not change or control what she did, but I COULD control my reaction to her. That helped me alot.

A month is a long time. Is there a class or an activity that they could sign up for?

[ginny]

the NY Times posted an oped about "what Shamu taught me about a happy marriage" in 2006 (I believe)... lemme see if I can find it: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html well, that was easy... anyway, read it - it's funny, and it may help with the MIL and the husband . One of the methods I employ with my SO when he hovers ridiculously close when I am cooking is: here's the lettuce, tomatos, blah blah, would you mind making a salad... or I put snacks out for him... AWAY from where I'm cooking. At the very least, it's a bit of comic relief. Good luck - maybe you should hit the rum and egg nog

[Blueberry]

I feel for you too. There are bad MIL's out there. My DH really doesn't have any contact with his parents (long story), but when he did, it wasn't fun. I remember his mother showed up at my house on graduation day at 6:00 in the morning (because she thought she'd get an early start on the day - after telling us to expect her about 9) and expected me to fix her breakfast, tea, etc, etc ("what do you have to do to get someone to bring you food around here?"). I made her the center of attention (her goal), and made it "her" day. She was happy. I barely had time to get myself dressed and ready for graduation (and deal with the fact that my mom decided it would be a great idea for my dad to ride to the ceremony with my step-dad).

CA

[Irulan]

LOL

Does it really matter if the turkey is upside down or not?

Actually it does because the timing on roasting it is really different from regular roasting.