Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[Ana]

I am reaching the age at which point many of my peers are engaged and married. I am in a transitional period of my life and can barely fathom marriage in my future (or near future, anyway).

I would love to read about some of your life experiences related to engagement, marriage, and relationships in general. I know that we're all human and therefore imperfect but I am having difficulty understanding other people's relationships. The media idealizes romance and depicts often inaccurate portrayals of life (i.e. happily ever after...) but I like to keep it real so I'd very much like to hear some happy and sad stories about love from some of you!

How do you know you're ready to be married? What are some of the obstacles that strengthened or destroyed your relationship?

If you'd rather PM me, that would be great, too!

I know this is a lot to ask so I would like to express my gratitude in advance.

[Veronica]

I first met my husband when I was in 6th grade. We became good friends when I was a freshman in high school and he was a sophomore. We started dating the next year. We got married when I was 19 and most of our 22 and a half years have been very happy.

He is incredibly supportive of me and is truly my best friend. For us it really has been happily ever after. We think a lot of that is because we didn't have children and all the stresses that raising children can bring. Neither one of us really wanted to have kids - so we didn't. Raising children is too important of a job to do half a$$ed. It's a lot of work to do right.

I think he is a better husband than I am a wife.

Veronica

[Biciclista]

I would love to contribute here. I briefly met my husband in 1972 when a guy i dated once (his brother) introduced me to his little brother. I saw him occasionally for the next 5 years. We weren't friends, but if we passed each other on the street, we'd say hi.
In December of 1977, we met again, fell in love, and in March , 1978; we got married. 8 months later, my first son was born. When I married my husband, he was unemployed. We were absolutely clueless. If anyone had cared enough they would have told us to WAIT. actually, someone did.

We're still married and have one of the best marriages I know of. yes, that's right, more than 30 years.

to what do i attribute our success? We made a commitment to stay together. Doesn't matter if i can't stand him today; I know tomorrow, I'll get over what I'm mad about and he'll still be there to love me. And vice versa. It works.

[Kimmyt]

I am currently engaged. I never ever thought that I would be someone who was engaged to be married. I just didn't see it. Honestly? i don't know if we'll make it. I hope to whatever deity that we do, because it scares me shitless that we might not. But the thing is, we don't know. All we can do is try our best to make it work out for the rest of our lives.

I don't know what specifically you're looking for, but if you have any more specific questions you can ask me. Also, I would recommend checking out a forum I frequent which gives some very interesting insight into the lives of people in all stages of relationships, www.indiebride.com. There are lots of very interesting threads on there about all sorts of things.

[badger]

I'm in a long-distance relationship; I'm in Vancouver, he's in Cornwall, England. We met online 5 years ago, and we've gone back and forth to each other's country and I've started the process of sponsoring him. To us, that's as good as getting enganged.

We don't have any plans on getting married, but we have no plans on not being together for as long as possible, either. People often wonder how we keep it up, but it works for us, and there is a very strong love bond between us that I've never felt with anyone.

It hasn't always been rosy, the first 3 years were actually quite tough, but it's a very supportive relationship and I would be in a much worse place without him when Chevy (my dog) died.

You're probably feeling the way you do because you haven't met the right person. Sounds terribly cliche, and I never believed it, either, til it happened to me. Don't feel pressured to be in a relationship or be married or whatever. If you happen to be happy and single, that's great! but don't feel like you need a boyfriend/husband, because there's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who's not right for you.

[Irulan]

I would love to read about some of your life experiences related to engagement, marriage, and relationships in general. I know that we're all human and therefore imperfect but I am having difficulty understanding other people's relationships. The media idealizes romance and depicts often inaccurate portrayals of life (i.e. happily ever after...) but I like to keep it real so I'd very much like to hear some happy and sad stories about love from some of you!

How do you know you're ready to be married? What are some of the obstacles that strengthened or destroyed your relationship?

Don't choose a partner thinking that they will change later, or that you can change them, or that if they love you they WILL change. Or, don't ignore something that has the potential to flare up into something big. An example might be... you guys like to party on the weekends? What happens when one of you decides to quit boozing it up and settle down, and the other wants to keep going. This is all hypothetical of course. Love does not conquer all.

Don't deny the realities of who/what you/they are. We all have baggage. What is it, and how does it affect your relationships?

Women especially expect men to be mindreaders, which is very destructive to relationships.

It's important to have discussions ahead of time on money values, childrearing values, religion in the home, etc.

I've got 29 years under my belt, and we've been through it all, including two kids and a trip to marriage hell that we had to fix. So there's all my advice.

[Grog]

to what do i attribute our success? We made a commitment to stay together. Doesn't matter if i can't stand him today; I know tomorrow, I'll get over what I'm mad about and he'll still be there to love me. And vice versa. It works.

Oh, so true.

[Trekhawk]

to what do i attribute our success? We made a commitment to stay together. Doesn't matter if i can't stand him today; I know tomorrow, I'll get over what I'm mad about and he'll still be there to love me. And vice versa. It works.

Mimi you have hit the nail on the head with that statement.

I was 31 when we got married and we have been married now for 13 years.
We have three great boys and I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful family.
We do annoy each other sometimes but we also make each other laugh and that is gold.

[salsabike]

I got married when I was 37 (1991) and I still think he's the coolest guy I know. I almost got married when I was 23 and again in my late 20s, and had I married either of them, I would be divorced now. I got very lucky. We laugh a lot. We don't have control battles. We love to do some things together, and other things separately. He's smart, funny, interesting, cool, calm and collected, and committed.

Take your time. No need to rush. Speak up about important things when you need to, but pick your battles--not everything is important enough to fuss about. See past the "does he give me cool presents on my birthday" to "does he act lovingly". Be careful around needy people---they're pretty exhausting in a marriage. Don't marry anyone who doesn't make you laugh reasonably often. Don't marry someone who is unkind. Get comfortable with apologizing and acknowledging your own weirdnesses.

[alpinerabbit]

I think you need to be best friends with your partner.

I also think a relationship cannot work out between people who do not have a basic respect for other humans, and who put their "wants" first. Dunno how else to express it.

I've lived with my DBF for the past 10 years, together 11.5 yrs.
We would probably be married if there wasn't the tax hike you suffer when you do, as we both make a full salary. I don't want kids, although sometimes I fear I will regret it, but then the "minuses" come back into focus.
We've talked it through, I think he could envision them but I do not think he would cut back on his career so it would be me bearing most of the load.

We have never had a fight. He supported me through some rough times.
Once I was whining about the job when the previous one was the job from hell (&above-said rough times) that I just got out of, and he got exasperated, probably thinking "there she goes again" - I realized what I was doing and told him that I did not expect him to solve my problems, just to listen and pat my head saying "I understand".

I need to have a partner that I can look up to, in part at least, intellectually. That does not necessarily mean he has to be better educated, but he has to at least be mentally agile.

The physical part of a relationship, I think, gets overrated and after 10 years, we are in a comfortable, low key kinda rhythm that suits me. Physical closeness is much more important.
We've talked about that as well. He's not good with expressing emotions but I told him repeatedly that he must bring it up if something's not right. Hope he will.
He is the loveliest person I know as a type of guy, he loves cooking, etc.
I think you need to keep up gestures of love to keep the fire crackling. So I try to sneak in little things, sticky notes when I'm gone unexpectedly, etc., go out and have a drink before dinner -
And his body is looking better than ever with starting triathlons as well :-P

[tulip]

You are bringing up good questions before you jump into this. It takes alot of courage to do that.

I was together with my now ex husband for 17 years. We were married for 13. We started dating (quickly moving in together) when I was 22 and still in college. I do not consider the marriage a failure--it would be a failure if the marriage had continued even though it had lost its soul. We have started new chapters in our lives, and that's okay. I think there's alot of pressure to stay together regardless of the circumstances. I felt an enormous amount of pressure to stay married simply because I was married, even though the relationship had changed, I had changed, he had changed, but we had not changed together.

BTW, we never fought either, and that was a problem. And as Irulan pointed out, alot of women expect men to read their minds--that was destructive on my part. Communication from the beginning is very important.

We did not have children by choice. We thought that having children would bring too much stress based on our own childhoods. I don't think that the decision to have or not have kids is the only reason that marriages succeed or fail.

I'm in a long-term relationship now that is wonderful. If I knew what I know now, my marriage would have been very different one way or another (it might have been shorter, or it might be going strong, but different). I'm still learning to talk openly with my partner and not fear a potential negative reaction, but those are my issues that I'm dealing with on my own in therapy, too.

One thing that really would have benefited me and my marriage is counseling before we got married to work out some issues, as well as later on when we came across some very rocky times. We did not do that, and I think it was because I (and perhaps he, too, but I can't speak for him) was too scared about what counseling would reveal. I also think that I was too young to jump into such a serious relationship when I was 22. I had big plans that I put on hold (and never went back to) then, and that pattern continued during the marriage.

PM me if you want to.

[kermit]

I have to say I never planned on being married. When I was younger and very independent, I had friends who wanted nothing else but to get their MRS. degree as they called it in college. I came from parents who hated each other and never wanted to be stuck with that. I had my own career and own agenda. And thats when I met my husband. I met him at work and we happened to start working together. He was married but separated which I did not believe at first. I really liked him and thought if nothing else we could be friends. Work kept use together and talking alot. Six months down the road and he told me he was divorced and kissed me. That was it, hook line and sinker. We've been married for 13 years and he is my BEST friend. I never thought it would happen but it did. We are both in law enforcement which has the highest divorce and cheating rate in the world. If I had a nickel for every married man that hit on me. My husband and I have actually broken that mold and are very happy. Communication is the key, I believe, I tell him everything. I guess my point is, don't feel pressured by other people, do your own thing and I am telling you when you least expect it......expect it!

[Crankin]

I met my husband when a friend dragged me to a Jewish singles softball game. I was 25 and I had already had a short, but messy and dysfunctional relationship/short marriage in college. When I got to the game, it was 110 out (love the Valley of the Sun) and some of the guys were, uh wearing black pants and dress shoes... I looked up and saw my husband, who looked strikingly like my first love from middle school/high school. He was a very good player. Afterwards, we all went out for pizza and he asked me out. So did 2 other guys. Five weeks later, we moved in together and a month after that, we were engaged. We got married when we had known each other six months. My parents told me to live together longer and his parents, well, they went nuts.
Although our parents and families were VERY different, we both had the same values and religion. My husband had his own business and had quit college before I met him (he was very young; only 23) and was very successful. I had just finished my master's in education and was teaching. One day I came home from work, right after we got married and he said he was going to register for some classes at ASU, because he was embarrassed to say that his wife had a master's degree and he was a HS grad. Later he told me that I was the first person who ever thought he was smart and encouraged him! He is now the director of a very large division (200+ people) in a software company and he doesn't ever forget what it took for him to get to where he is.
We will be married 29 years in December. At first, I didn't want kids, but then I got obsessed with the idea; we lost our first baby when I was eight months pregnant. If we could get through that in our twenties, we could do anything! We had the two boys when we were young and are very happy with that decision. I think the trick to having kids and a good marriage is that we put the marriage and the relationship first. We didn't ignore our kids, who have turned out to be quite nice young men, but we always went out as a couple on the weekends, took vacations alone, and had a social life apart from the stuff we did with the kids, even when we both were working. One thing that helped was that my husband took an equal role in the parenting and he was the one who stayed home with son #1 when he was born, for the first 8 months.
We have a lot more common interests now than we did in the beginning (cycling!). For years I was the one running off to exercise while he did stuff around the house.
All of our friends in AZ are now divorced. It's really sad. All of these couples waited a lot longer to have kids and always had more money than us when we were younger. We progressed as the years went on and now we are in a much better place than they are in many ways. I never would have predicted any of it.

[teigyr]

I think there have been some fantastic stories here.

If I look back on failed relationships, I'd say I knew they'd fail beforehand only I didn't acknowledge it. As I started figuring out what I wanted in my life, I started looking at those "this person is perfect only..." thoughts as warnings.

I never did think marriage was a necessity. I'm really good with life as it is (or was good with life as it was) and am more the independent sort. Right back around the time I met DH though I was really tired of dating. I went to a LOT of fun places but I guess I wanted normalcy and quiet time and just to be myself around someone. After a night of frustration (it was at work, I worked graveyard) I got home and e-mailed a friend. I told him that my life would be perfect if he found me a guy who worked where he worked. It was my birthday, I was living in a strange/different city where I didn't know anyone really, and the e-mail was very uncharacteristic. My friend said he knew someone who would be perfect for me. Turns out, DH had heard about me too.

After relationships filled with drama, I have found that this relationship is peaceful. We have fun. We trust each other. We are friends.

More than having shallow things in common (ie liking the same type of food), we feel the same way about commitment, goals, and what we want from marriage and a relationship. We have a mix of responsibility (no kids, just five cats and a house) and juvenile antics.

There is never a reason to rush into anything. When it is right, you know.

I can't say that we've had obstacles that have destroyed our relationship. As far as things enhancing it, I'm not that difficult to please. DH said he'd run a race with me (he's not a runner) and I am positively giddy with excitement. DH is pretty appreciative when I remember to pick up my shoes. While there IS romance in relationships, it's the little things that are the best and are the most romantic. I think people who write romance novels wouldn't appreciate it but I do and DH does.

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart". While I was married before DH, the same mindset wasn't with that person. I do realize that people DO grow apart but it was important to me to know that if I got remarried, the person I married would realize that it went a bit beyond dating. It was really great meeting someone (also previously married) that felt as I did. The point of it all is our relationship is important to each of us and we will do what it takes to nurture it. We also have the commitment to stay together. There is so much calmness in that.

I'm still really sucky about picking up my shoes. DH is the better person. Between cat boxes that he cleans (I was the cat woman) and shoes (he built me a room for shoes so you'd think I could put them away) and everything else he does, I am incredibly lucky. When you're ready, I hope for the same for you Good relationships can only enhance who you are, they don't define it.

[sfa]

I never really had marriage as a goal for myself. It wasn't something I was against in any way, and my parents had a great relationship (still do!) so I had a good model right in front of me for a successful marriage. But I was more interested in other things--getting my degree, travelling, finding work I loved. So no one was more surprised than I was when I met a guy when I was 19 years old and knew (o.k., it took me most of a year to "know"--I didn't trust my own judgment and we were dating long distance before the era of cheap flights and email) that he was the one. But even then I took it slow--I still wanted to finish my degree, go to graduate school, travel, etc. I knew I had to be completely happy and comfortable with my own life before I'd commit to marriage. We finally married when I was 25, and I thought at the time that maybe I was still a bit too young! My husband was also very cautious and in no hurry--he had married young and was divorced when we met (he's almost 11 years older than me) and wanted to make absolutely sure he was making the right decision. He said he wouldn't even consider marriage again for at least five years after his divorce.

That was nearly 15 years ago and we're still happily married, although it hasn't always been "happily ever after." There's something like a 75% divorce rate among parents of autistic children, and we often get the "how do you do it?" question from people. But I think going into the marriage knowing that it wouldn't always be blissful and romantic was a great start, along with going into it knowing that we both were completely happy with who we were as individuals. Add to that a good dose of flexibility, mutual respect, lots of common interests and a few uncommon ones, patience and a good sense of humor. That's how we do it.

Sarah