Adoption Advice

[solobiker]

Hi there, I need some friendly adivice. My husband and I are unable to have children of our own. We have known this for a few years and I pretty much accepted the fact that we were not ment to have children. Well, anyway, lately I have been a little bummed about not having or even raising a child. Most of my friends are childless couples so they dont really understand as it is there choice not to have children. i often think i would like to adopt, although the whole idea makes me nervous just because i don't know the first thing about raising a child. also i am 35 years old, is it going to be too hard to raise the older i get? what about cost?? I am just l looking for support and adivice. Granted i do like the freedom we have to be able to pick up and go backpacking and backcountry skiing. But then again the older i am getting the harder it is to do on a continous basis. ugh... thanks for "listening"

[drplasma64]

Hi, my opinion is that the most important thing that parents offer their children is love. Then respect and discipline (not in the sense of spanking, but in the sense of setting expectations and helping them achieve their goals). These "intangibles" are a lot more important in raising well adjusted, happy, successful (again in the sense of feeling their own self-worth) than money. Also, being able to offer opportunities like teaching about backpacking & the outdoors gives kids something that money never can...appreciation for nature and beauty, and of course GREAT quality time with their parents.

I had my first biological child when I was 35, and my second when I was 38. Yes, I don't have as much energy as when I was 25, but I feel that all in all a better parent now than I would have been then. Yes, we worry a little about "not being there when the kids are older"...but there's not much we can do about that except make sure to minimize the burden we place on them as we get older.

I think if you and your hubby feel like something is missing, you should not hesitate to consider adopting, or even further investigation into what medicine may be able to offer you today.

(editted to say, what I mean is that if you feel that CHILDREN are missing from your family...I agree with Irulan that kids are not a fix for something missing in the relationship between the parents)

Take my opinion with a grain of salt, I'm a stay-home mom who gave up a career in biological research because I felt that it was more important for my kids to have ME everyday, than the stuff my paycheck would offer, so obviously I am biased.

Oh, and very few people know anything about raising children before they start. Luckily, you grow into the job!

[Irulan]

as for $$, don't think about it or you'll never do it. I mean, you should be prepared that kids cost money,and be committed to raising them, but that shouldn't' be the determining factor. The media spouted figures on what it cost to raise a kid these days are BS if you ask me.

There are tons of support services out there for adoptive parents. I think for a child to be loved and wanted by their parents is awesome: there are too many throwaway kids being born these days. If you feel like you have love to give, go for it. Once you have the kid, you'll be surprised how easy it is to network with other parents.

One analogy about kids that I thought was great... when there are two of you, think of it like two candles. When you add a kid, add a candle. More light, more love, for those who think that having a kid will take away from the amount of love to go around.

Be secure in yourself and your partnership... kids are not a fix for a relationship that is in trouble, or for filling an emotional hole.

I'm a fan of closed adoptions. I think that keeping the birth mother in the picture is not in the best interest of the child and creates confusion. This is not to say they can't seek out origins at an appropritae stage of maturity. Just my opinion.

Irulan, mom of two, one leaves for college in 3 weeks.

[solobiker]

Thanks for your advice. Bringing a child into our relationship is "not to fix it" in any way. My husband and I have a great relationship. It is just a scarey thought as it has just been the 2 of us for over 9 years. I do think it is time to add to our family, even just thinking about it makes my heart race a little. wow weee. Thanks to all of you...

[doc]

Adoption is a wonderful thing. People worry about whether the child will be smart, or healthy or normal etc. But the risks are just the same with having a biological child. The world throws curve balls sometimes. But adoption is a fabulous thing for the child no matte what. You are taking a child from a bad situation to a much better one. I have no problem with open adoptions. I have seen many succesful ones. The only rule I tell people to follow, is always tell the child the truth.
No one is ever ready for parenthood. It's always different than the expectation. And it's true, you learn as you go. But good books can really make a difference. Love and patience go a long long long way to making you a great parent. Good luck.

[woodcycl]

Hello solobiker,

Not sure if posting will ruffle any feathers ... as I'm a guy posting on a women's cycling forum. I lurk and do some research for my girlfriend as I have gotten her into cycling and I look on here for various information pertaining to her and her cycling issues / experiences, etc. (i.e. saddles, chamois creme, etc.)

I am 36yrs old also ... and with no children. My GF has a 12yr old. My father and his wife who are 59 and 43 respectively (she has no children of her own) have adopted two WONDERFUL little girls from China. Emma was adopted in June 2002 and is now 4.5yrs old and Hailey was adopted August of 2004 and is now 22mos old. They are absolutely adorable and the best thing that could've happened to my father, his wife, and my father's parents ... they are so loved all around. My little sisters are SO much fun. I enjoy keeping them now and then and do love the time we all spend together playing, etc.

If you are interested in international adoption, feel free to send me any questions in a post or via PM.

I think it is a wonderful consideration and wish you much luck.

Brian

[Trek420]

solobiker sez "My husband and I are unable to have children of our own...."

solo & mr solobiker, though I have no children (that I know of) I think that adoption is a great idea and love creates a family, adopted kids are *your* kids.

I can understand the desire to go to great medical lengths to have kids "of your own" but that always makes me feel for kids waiting for adoption or foster parents. What hope is there for them to have a family with advances in fertility drugs and such. And really do we ever know how kids will turn out?

I think it's great that you are thinking of adopting!

[CorsairMac]

Hello solobiker,

Not sure if posting will ruffle any feathers ... as I'm a guy posting on a women's cycling forum. I lurk and do some research for my girlfriend as I have gotten her into cycling and I look on here for various information pertaining to her and her cycling issues / experiences, etc. (i.e. saddles, chamois creme, etc.)


Brian

Howdy Brian - nope I can't imagine your reply would ruffle any feathers! but welcome to the board and how scary was that coming outta the woodwork on a womans board! does your g/f post here too??

[RebeccaAnn]

As others have said, don't think about the cost! It's just too scary....

I had my son when I was 40. The week after he was born, I turned 41. A cousin the same age who now has 3 under the age of 4 agrees with me: the plus is we have more patience than when we were in our 20s, the minus is that we need more sleep.

I don't think you should hesitate because of your age. Just make sure you work out with your hubby beforehand--until the baby is old enough for the trailer, you need xx amount of solo riding time per week.

[moo bean]

From another perspective...

My parents adopted me when they were 32, and my brother when they were 36, and - in my admittedly biased opinion - they did a fantastic job.