Why am I still in academia?

[Tuckervill]

Now, you would think all things considered, they would have said "oh no you didn't". But the one looked at me with this rather sad smile and said "Yeah you did, but she sure was proud of you". And that still makes me cry.

Having adult children myself who I have been through hell (and an actual war) with as well, I can assure you that your mother would not have changed a thing. ::hugs::

Karen

[Possegal]

Thank you for that Karen. I should clarify that it makes me cry in a good way. It was an ongoing joke with my mother of how she felt she had been to hell and back but that now, in her words i could keep her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed. My mother was not one to verbalize her feelings, so "i'm proud of you" was something i always felt, but never heard. no complaints, it is who she was. But to hear her friends say it, was very comforting.

[Triskeliongirl]

Well, it does seem like he is making this more difficult than it has to be, although you know getting your work published is win win for both of you, so the conditions don't seem too unreasonable to me.

Maybe I am less sympathetic because I have been in his shoes, however I have to tell you I treated my people much better when I changed institutions. I had one student that needed another year to finish, but didn't want to relocate since her husband was also in school. I found a colleague willing to house her in his lab (who happened to be her husband's advisor), and I continued to advise her, but at a distance. The dept. agreed to move the university purchased equipment that was staying behind to his lab for her to use. I then 'loaned' her unique equipment she needed that was officially transferring to my new institution, with the understanding she would ship it to me when her work was finishhed. While I transferred my NIH grant, I arranged to leave enough money behind to pay for her stipend and supplies. All of this was carefully drawn up in agreements between my new and old institution. In fact, the old institution made it hard, because since we set up her support as a sub-contract, but then they wanted me to pay them overhead on it, which meant double overhead which I couldn't afford. So, my old dept. chair had to negotiate that part down. I flew back for the defense, she still graduated as 'my student' and it was win win for everyone.

But my advice to you is still to stop being angry, cuz anger doesn't get you anything. Do what you have to do to get your work done, and then think hard about what you need to do to move on to a more independent position which will carry more autonomy and less vulnerability. By channeling your anger, energy, what have you, into productive endeavors like doing good science, publishing your work, and building a strong CV, you put yourself in the strongest possible position. This is how I have always operated my career. I have had my share of A-holes, as has my husband, but by focusing always on our scientific productivity, doing significant work and publishing in top journals, we have been able to have very successful and satisfying careers in academic science.

[Melalvai]

Well, it does seem like he is making this more difficult than it has to be, although you know getting your work published is win win for both of you, so the conditions don't seem too unreasonable to me.

Exactly, I need that paper way more than he does, so why does he have to say "I won't sign the letter until your paper is submitted"? He'll get that paper because I have to have it. Linking in to the letter made me tempted to submit it without giving the other authors adequate time to review it.

While I transferred my NIH grant, I arranged to leave enough money behind to pay for her stipend and supplies. All of this was carefully drawn up in agreements between my new and old institution.

That is something in fact which he adamantly refused, I don't need much money (relative to how much he has in grants, which is a number I am familiar with), and it would have made things lots smoother for me.

But my advice to you is still to stop being angry, cuz anger doesn't get you anything.

Well, this is my place to vent. I'm not mouthing off everywhere. There are many, many responses to his pettiness that I'm not giving into because I'm above that. I don't care about burning bridges or whatever, cause I think it's hopeless.

I wish I could just stop being angry at will. Eventually he'll be out of my life and I'll forget about it. It's been a rough 6 weeks, and I've got another 3 to go.

[Triskeliongirl]

My husband and I both had to deal with situations with horrible supervisors at points in our careers. I guess I just want to communicate that while you can't help but feel angry, try to channel that anger towards doing the things you need to do to become more independent and less vulnerable. And its not just science, or academia. There are A-holes everywhere. What's important is becoming less vulnerable to petty power. To do that, you need to have such a strong CV that you can call the shots. Then you can walk into whatever job you want, whether its in academia, industry, gov, etc.

Good luck. Sorry if I am seem harsh, I understand you need a place to vent, but I also know that to be strong you need to feel strong, so that is why I have been trying to stop the pity party and encourage you to channel the anger towards something more productive.

[Melalvai]

I GOT MY LETTER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But since I wouldn't be me if I didn't gripe a little...
Wednesday afternoon I was in the office for a few minutes after the teaching workshop, he happened to call from North Dakota, and asked me to leave the unsigned letter in his office. "I'm not saying I'm going to sign it," he added.

Grrr.

Today I asked the secretary if my usual Friday afternoon meeting with him was still on (it gets cancelled about half the time if he's traveling). She said he'd already gone out of town again--he was only here briefly on Thursday. My heart sank. I'd have to wait until next week for the letter. Then I asked "I don't suppose he signed the letter?"

"Oh, I have a signed letter right here."

I nearly had a heart attack at those words. Seriously, I was incoherent. I babbled, hung up the phone and literally ran upstairs to see with my own eyes.

Once over my exhuberance I wondered suspiciously why he didn't email me to tell me it was signed.

I won't say all my problems are over...I still have that 20% of my salary to find...or I get to take a 20% paycut. Ouch. I've told my new boss that I have the letter, and I hope to start moving my stuff to his lab next week.

This was a welcome change of pace from yesterday. Yesterday, I got an email that the paper I submitted last week was rejected without review [1]. Another grant rejected [2]. And our little parakeet died.

[1] "The main point, X, isn't sufficient for a full-length publication." First of all, the main point wasn't X, it was Y. Second, my co-author published X (which I cited) in a much higher prestige journal than this one. I remembered that when I told my boss I wanted to submit to this journal, because my paper fits its scope perfectly, even though it's not as high impact factor as others, that my boss said "They won't take it because the editor doesn't like me." Well, the editor isn't the only one... Anyway, I called the editor-in-chief and explained that my main point wasn't X and that Y was worthy of a full-length article, and he asked me to resubmit the paper with that response.

So we'll see. If that fails, I'll try another journal. Perhaps there is still an editor out there that my boss hasn't ticked off.

[2] which would have covered that 20% salary.

[Geonz]

Wht do you mean, you wonder why he didn't email you? He very obviously has a DESPERATE need to make this as difficult as possible for you and never to make so much as a keystroke on a computer on your behalf if he can help it. My guess from your description is it would have looked bad to the wrong other people for him to delay signing it any more, and that's why he bothered, but he wants you to twist in the wind absolutely as much as possible.

GLAD you got the signed paper

HOPE the resubmission flies !!!!

Have a good bike ride to channel the stress...

[DrBee]

Sorry to hear about the troubles you're having. I'm coming into this conversation a bit late. Too bad about the manuscript - I'd try to find a different journal.

I was in academia - was groomed for it. I found people were increasingly unhappy as I moved to bigger and bigger universities. I guess that was because of more grant pressure - who knows? I eventually chose gov't research. It offers solid funding (as long as congress passes a budget), no grant pressure, and job stability, and good salary. It doesn't work for everyone, but sure was a good fit for me.

good luck!

[Melalvai]

I've got TWO signatures now (old boss and new boss), of course the 2nd one was no problem at all. All the forms & letters were submitted to the grants office today. Now I wait until I hear it has gone to the funding agency...then wait for their official decision.

My new boss let me move some stuff from the ultralow freezer over to his lab, yesterday and today.

I can't wait until he lets me move my other equipment in, and assigns me a desk.

One nice thing about this place is that the old smoking shelters were converted to bike shelters. I've loved that. The new place has one tiny cruddy bike rack under a tree. I hope I can find a way to stash my bike inside the building.

[Melalvai]

I got a grant!!!!!
(There are not enough exclamation points in the world to do justice to that sentence.)
Both my NIH grants were triaged. My new boss' NIH grant was on the edge of being funded but the latest word is the cut-off is up to 10%, higher than ever, so no funding despite an excellent score. This was my last hope before accepting a paycut, it is a small internal grant--but big enough to take care of the part of my salary not covered by my fellowship, and big enough to pay for my rats for a while longer.

Finally things are turning around. It makes me a little nervous...

[madscot13]

you should try and run some experiments as quickly as possible. If science is on your side you should take advantage of it.

[DrBee]

congrats!!!!! Use it wisely!

[Melalvai]

This may be the last update on this thread for a couple years. I had no office for over two weeks. I left my boxes in the garage and did as much work as I could (very little, that is) from home. Having no office meant no server, which meant my files stored on a couple DVDs didn't have a place to live, so working with them was just not possible.

Last Tuesday my rats moved over to the animal facility in my new building. I have a back-log of rat data to enter, from my office-less period!

Yesterday I moved into my office. Copied all my files onto the server, using my computer which is all hooked up--server, email, printer. One box still sits on my desk, waiting for the key to the locked drawers. No one knows who has it so they ordered a new key.

I hauled all my boxes by bike. I got several waves, smiles, thumbs-up.

My bike looks nice against the wall outside my cubicle. Though most of the building is small and cramped, there is enough room right here that I can lean my bike against the wall without being in the way.

It seems ok. But when it comes down to it, it's just another postdoc. I have trouble getting excited about it.