SERIOUS emotional advice needed - What would you do???

[sandra]

My experience with anyone that makes things "all about them" is that you cannot change that. No matter how much explaining or pointing out you try to do, YOU usually end up being frustrated because it will invariably get twisted from what your best intentions are trying to accomplish.

I think you both have to grieve in your own way and no one can dictate how or how long it might take. Silver is doing what is healing and helpful for her and I commend her for the work she has don. The other lady is coping the best that she knows how.

[SR500]

I didn't mean to imply it wasn't terrible. My DH ran a light as a teenager and hit a car, no one was injured, but there was a lot of damage including is employers truck. He was negligent (changing the radio station), but not cited and important for his future not fired. I just don’t know the best way to move forward, but it seems to rarely involve attorneys.

I know CIBA has been taking some heat lately. What people don’t seem to remember is that Bike Clubs are almost always volunteer organizations, that rarely have enough people to run for offices, let alone volunteer to assist with events. It will be sad if the suit distracts people from getting involved in the club, when Sam was alive I’m guessing he was an avid supporter of biking in the area.

[Aggie_Ama]

My suggestion is contact the local paper and hope some reporter will touch this story. Use the angle of the memorials being stolen, not the other issues. The memorial missing might be more newsworthy than a small scale conflict. And the reporter may take the conflict to make a bigger story out of it. It may only get a brief written but I think most people are respectful of a memorial whether they agree that cyclist should be there.

[silver]

SR500, I agree that the bike club is not at fault. I'm not a member, but have participated in some of their activities. I don't know all the details. I do know some of them. I do think that they will be dropped from the suit. I dont' know what the legal reasoning is, but I'm just assuming that there may be some legal reason that they were named that I do not know.

I've thought it through and the only thing that I fault them for is that they didn't notify/remind the law enforcement that they were having the event. That seems pretty careless to me. One of the deputies that came, told me, that they didn't know that the bike ride was going on that day. He said that he thought when he first heard the accident on his radio that it must have been a motorcycle. But in saying that, I still don't think that they should be included in the suit because of it.

Now I will go on to say, that the Bike club here is.........well, how do I say it......different. The day of the accident, I was sitting on the curb crying, trying to figure out how that we could get in touch with Sam's wife when i bike club guy came over to us to get our names and information. I asked him, "are you with the race? Can't you get his contact info off his registration form to call his wife?" He proceeded to lecture me that this wasn't a race it was a ride, a tour, etc.

I was looking at him, with a you must be crazy look. True enough, it wasn't a race. I should have know better. I come from a running background, organized runs are called races. I've only participated in few bike events and oops, in my emotional state of watching a man be given CPR, I slipped up and called it a race. Sorry.

The bike club here is known for being somewhat exclusive and stand offish. I'm feel sure that this attitude may have contributed towards the widow's decision to include them.

I went to a Share the Road meeting recently. Another aside to say that the bike club has been very slow to do anything to help with this initiative, even seemed against it, until Jim, got the ball rolling and then they seemed to want to jump on since the initiative was actually going well.

Anyway, at the meeting, Sam's widow acked if anyone was there from the Bike Club, she said that they had mailed Sam a registration form for the ride and that the timing hit her particularly hard and could they PLEASE, make sure that they didn't mail her deceased husband another registration form in the future. there was silence......the bike club president made a note on her papers and said "I'll tell Mike(not his real name) he just merges all those files." It was just so callous.

Anyway, they did put on a great ride yesterday, truly, I don't fault them. I've ridden with them, and a lot of them are great!

[quint41]

Local paper? This is the kind of thing that John Stossel (ABC - "Give me a Break") loves, isn't it?

I read the articles and a bunch of the comments posted on the newspaper website following the article.

I ride almost entirely in groups. Nothing fires me up like seeing people riding 2 and 3 abreast on busy roads, or riding through red lights. Our bikes are vehicles, and we are supposed to FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE ROAD. Those same cyclists would be screaming if cars were driving side-by-side or running red lights! (And I'm NOT saying BY ANY MEANS that is what happened in this accident! Don't get me wrong!) What I am saying is that until all cyclists behave properly and follow the rules, our ranting is going to fall on deaf ears. Yesterday, I had a car pass me as we approached a stop sign. He passed, and pulled right into the breakdown lane to prepare to turn right. Pulled right into my path. Another driver coming in the opposite direction almost broadsided me as he began to turn into a gas station on my side of the road. I am the visi-yellow queen! I am cautious. I use a mirror, keep my head up, eyes open, and always let the monster death machines have the right of way. But because drivers are so sick and tired of having to deal with pacelines blowing through intersections, and riders taking up the travel lane, I could be the one who takes the brunt of their fury, leaving two kids without a mother.

As for dedicated bike lanes and the like ... I don't know how the rest of the country works it out, but the Connecticut bike paths that I've been on leave MUCH to be desired! Cracks, frost heaves, sand, broken glass, much more hazardous for a road bike than riding the breakdown lane of a busy thoroughfare. Plus the obstacles of runners, walkers, bladers and kids with training wheels. I'm not saying they don't deserve a place to exercise as well, but most road bike riders around here find our "bike paths" more frustrating than useful.

There is strength in numbers. All cyclists need to follow the rules. Only then can we have any kind of strength.

This is kind of disjointed, but I just felt the need to say it.

[Meg McKilty]

Letter to the editor of the local paper explaining what happened and why Silver wishes to place the signs, including her own personal story. This may humble the woman and family.

[bmccasland]

I really think Mommy Dearest is a lost cause for at least several years. The important thing is to get the community focused on bike safety, share the road, and accept memorializing Sam. They may know the woman likes to be the center of attention, and just accept the fact that she's a pain, and they can't do anything about her.

I do like the idea of sending this story out to the various forms of the media. (dreaming and scheming)

[Flybye]

Dear Mr. Silver and Silver -

I have spent quite a lot of time reading all of the comments and thinking about things from both sides of the coin. I personally don't have any experience with either having a close friend killed or knowing someone who hit and killed another in an auto accident. I can't imagine what either party has gone through.

I am sorry for the experience that you had with the mother.

What does pop into mind immediately is that this was an accident. A horrible one. As a fellow (I assume from reading Mr. Silver's weight loss blog) believer, I think the key is forgiveness. Forgiveness of the boy who did, on accident, hit and kill a friend. Forgiveness of the mother, who did not, in my opinion, handle herself well.

We give forgiveness whether we want to or not - it really isn't for the person who committed the action against us, it is for us.

We could speculate on a million different reasons why the mother handled herself the way that she did, why the boy didn't get more than a slap on the wrist, etc, etc. We could speculate on a million different ways to try to reach this mother.

In truth, none of it really matters. How she handles herself is up to her. How we move on and handle things is up to us.

I personally think that the very best thing that anyone could do for the kid who killed the cyclist and for his mother is offer them a letter giving them forgiveness. Regardless of whether or not they, in my opinion, your opinion, or any other opinion, deserve it. Perhaps this is just what this kid and his mother need to move on from the nightmare that they too, have found themselves in. Perhaps not.

Just a few thoughts about love/forgiveness.

Again, I am sorry that you had to encounter this woman on the anniversary of the death of a friend.

[Tuckervill]

Forgiveness, while it is always a good thing, is something that can't be rushed, or entered into under duress, and the concept is not the sole province of "believers".

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

Putting thoughts onto "paper" in black and white has a galvanizing effect.

• As I started this thread, I had "a lot to say" that I didn't say because as I started to type the words, I knew that "it wasn't me"...
• Then I got all this great feedback...that affirmed my thoughts and challenged them at the same time
• And now I'm reminded of what I know is right.

Several years ago, I had to step back and decide what I believed...my "mission". I wrote it down as an anchor to remind me of what my course was...regardless of my feelings in a given circumstance. Five principles:

• Honor God
• Cherish My Family
• To be a conscientious employee
• Constantly Seek to Improve my body and mind (this one is the challenge)
• To Love Others DESPITE CONFLICT

While I don't have to agree with what she did or how she feels, to attack this woman would be wrong and contrary to #5. She has issues, but so do we. As you read the comments posted on the newspaper's forum, this has become a polarized issue and it's time for bridges. I don't know what it takes to build a bridge right now, but I do know that attacks won't accomplish anything.

Now, some may say this is a cop out...and part of me agrees with this. But, if I attack this woman out of anger, then I'm really doing exactly what she did...and we see what effect that had.

[Tuckervill]

While I don't have to agree with what she did or how she feels, to attack this woman would be wrong and contrary to #5. She has issues, but so do we. As you read the comments posted on the newspaper's forum, this has become a polarized issue and it's time for bridges. I don't know what it takes to build a bridge right now, but I do know that attacks won't accomplish anything.

Saying this out loud, in public, could begin building that bridge.

Karen

[sundial]

Perhaps by offering a charity ride with proceeds going to a children's hospital, or any institution of the family's choice, would help bring closure. I cannot help but think that this would bring healing to the families and the riders who were affected by this tragic accident.

Silver, maybe you can design a beautiful pendant commemorating fallen cyclists and devote the sales to setting up cycling clinics for children. With parents and children involved, they will learn both vehicle and bicycle safety.

[stacie]

It sounds like everyone is experiencing a great degree of pain. I"m sure the mother of the boy who killed the cyclist is feeling helpless and angry too. I copied the following from a website.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. All your feelings are normal. It is helpful, however, to know
that human grief is a process that often follows a healing pattern.

Shock is the first stage. It is accompanied by disbelief and numbness.

Denial follows quickly, crying "I don't believe it," or "It can't be."

Bargaining is your promise that "I'll be so very good that maybe I can wake up and find that it isn't so.
I'll do all the right things if only...."

Guilt is painful and hard to deal with. This is when one says over and over, "If only I had..." or "If only
I had not..." This is a normal feeling and ultimately it may be solved by stating, "I'm a human being and
I gave the best and worst of me to my friend (child, husband, etc...) and what he or she does with that is
his or her responsibility.

Anger is another big factor which seems to be necessary in order to face the reality of life and then to
get beyond it. We must all heal in our own ways. Anger is a natural stage through which we must pass.
Your anger at your deceased loved one may even make you feel guilty, or it may be because your own
life continues whereas your friend's life is over.

Depression is a stage of grief that comes and goes. Knowing this, be prepared to give yourself time to
heal. Resignation is a late stage. It comes when finally you accept the truth.

Acceptance and hope! Understand that you will never be the same but your life can go on to find
meaning and purpose.

[CCinSC]

Mr. Silver,

I think writing a letter is a great idea. However, I would not send it to the newspaper or mail it to the Mother, I would mail it back to myself. I know that sounds odd, but it will help. After Mrs. Silver pours out her heart, get the letter out of the house so she won't continue to read it over and over. When it arrives in the mail then she will reread it with refreshed thoughts. If she still wants to send it to the Mother or Editor then she should. Unless I miss my guess, she will probably be glad she didn't send it due to the intensity of the emotions but she will still feel better for the emotional release. Just MHO.

Hugs to you and yours during this difficult time.

[silver]

Hi all, thank you all so much for your input and support.

As the week has gone by, the anger and frustration have passed. I do not believe that I need to write any letters. I really feel that for me, I need to just focus on the Share the Road signs and move forward. I will continue to honor Sam's memory in that way. The debate continues to rage on in the papers comments. The "club rider" is hated in this area. I only ride with them on the rare occasion.

I'll continue to obey the laws and be courteous. Hopefully we can build bridges.

If the case goes to trial, I'll be called to testify and because of that, It's probably best that I not let myself get pulled into any discussions about the issues and really it's easier that way.

I did want to say something on the issue of forgiveness. I do forgive this young man. I don't wish things to go poorly for him. I truely wish him the best. I'm sure that this is devastating. However, even with forgiveness there are consequences to our actions.

with my apologies to Invisible Woman, I wanted to make an analogy (Mr. is that the right description). She was hit by an 80 year old man who ran a red light. She's contacted a lawyer. I don't have any problem with that and would have encouraged her to do so. This situation is very similar.