Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[margo49]

Yeah, at least till you're less hormonal - like in about 35 years! But let's not get sidetracked here.

[Tuckervill]

K.

[Melalvai]

Yes, there is more than jealousy & insecurity, he is more concerned about my safety than I am, and doesn't buy into "I'm more likely to die of disease off my bike than injury on it" (even though that is true). There is also the adjustment of him not being in this with me, he said "I'm afraid you are going places I can't and don't want to" meaning partly a given bike trip and partly the biking in general.

Friday I told him "Get over it" (about the jealousy) and...after initially anger, he did, basically. In fact he said "I don't know how, tell me what to do," and I said "Go for a ride with Riding Buddy" and he said "Gee, you don't pull your punches, do you?"

Not overly burdened with tact or common sense, I managed to cause another disruption practically the next day, by leaving our daughter at home (he was in class) for a night bike ride. She is nearly 12 and she said she was ok with it, I had my cell phone, I didn't go more than ~30 min away home, albeit circuitously, and she could call me if she wanted me to come back. So now in addition to everything else I'm neglecting my responsibilities. :P

[jobob]

Not overly burdened with tact or common sense ...

Oh, that made me laugh. I may need to steal it for a sig line one of these days !

[LBTC]

Sorry to not be more supportive, Mel, but, if your daughter has not previously been left home alone like this, then a person could consider this to be reckless behaviour on your part. It seems to me that your situation calls for more communication, not less. An evening ride may be fine, leaving your daughter at home in cell phone contact may also be fine, but if it isn't discussed with your husband, her father, before the fact, I can see this to be cause for some problems.

Do your best to put yourself in his shoes and try to figure out what would work for you to feel more comfortable in the situation. See if you can work with him towards that.

Peaceful supportive butterflies headed your way,
Hugs,
~T~

[SouthernBelle]

12 years old is certainly old enough to be left for 30 minutes. I was baby sitting at that age. And that brief a time is a good start, esp since mom had her cell with her.

I think there are control or security issues here that it's beyond the abilities of this board to cure.

[pooks]

It's illuminating to see how many different reasonable reactions there are to the issue.

[Crankin]

Both of my sons and myself were earning money as babysitters at age 12. In fact, my son who raced bought his first bike with babysitting money. They are not that old that this was in the "olden days." I believe that kids today are WAAAY too overprotected. Of course, you need to teach them responsibility along the way, as they grow, so they are ready for the next step each time.
Tuckerville, take your in laws up on that offer. My husband and I didn't ride back when the kids were little, but you can be sure we went out alone or with friends almost every Saturday night. You do not have to sacrifice your own interests totally when the baby comes. Sure, I did all of the "mom" stuff, but we both worked, we spent time together without the kids, and my kids grew up to be very independent and normal adults despite the fact that their parents left them with a babysitter...
I only we wish we had taken up cycling when they were little and did the trailer thing, etc.

[LBTC]

oops, I should clarify

I don't think 12 is too young to be left alone, I just think that both parents should know about it in advance. If I would normally be home with the dogs, and I were going out, I would let DH know and I'd let him know if the dogs were in or outside in the back yard....just communication, not necessarily control.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[Tuckervill]

whoa nellie! It's not ME who's preggers, it's Xeney!

whew.

But no, I think hanging out as a couple without the baby is perfectly okay. I just think Xeney's and her hubby are heading for a parting of the minds on whether long Saturday rides are still okay. I just think it'd be best if he got used the idea of giving some things up ahead of time so it won't be such a shock later.

Karen

[xeney]

I appreciate your advice but I really don't see the point in both of us being miserable if we don't have to be. I was kidding about the petty crabby thing (well, not kidding, but acknowledging that I am being petty by begrudging him). He went through three long periods of forced inactivity due to injuries, two of them much longer than my pregnancy-related inactivity, and certainly nobody ever suggested to me that I should stop having any fun and just sit by his side so we could mope together. In fact, all the advice I got was in the opposite direction -- take care of yourself, spend time doing what you love in addition to spending time caring for him, etc.

My swollen ankles are not going to feel one tiny bit better if he is at home watching television when there is no earthly reason that he can't go for a bike ride instead. That seems like a recipe for making him resent the baby before she's even here.

[margo49]

I don't think 12 is too young to be left alone, I just think that both parents should know about it in advance. If I would normally be home with the dogs, and I were going out, I would let DH know and I'd let him know if the dogs were in or outside in the back yard....just communication, not necessarily control.

~T~

I think so too.
Also when your relationship is already under stress such situations just add fuel to the fire and b4 u know it everything (not just the sh*t) is hitting the fan and there seems No Way Forward (except out the door!)

[Andrea]

Glad to see you told him to get over it!

I'm the only female racer on my team, so I'm always riding and traveling with the guys (even had to share a hotel bed once). My man isn't the jealous type at all, plus he's met all of the guys I race with, so it doesn't really bother him.

Of course, I wouldn't have married him if he'd been the jealous type, either

[Tuckervill]

I appreciate your advice but I really don't see the point in both of us being miserable if we don't have to be. I was kidding about the petty crabby thing (well, not kidding, but acknowledging that I am being petty by begrudging him). He went through three long periods of forced inactivity due to injuries, two of them much longer than my pregnancy-related inactivity, and certainly nobody ever suggested to me that I should stop having any fun and just sit by his side so we could mope together. In fact, all the advice I got was in the opposite direction -- take care of yourself, spend time doing what you love in addition to spending time caring for him, etc.

My swollen ankles are not going to feel one tiny bit better if he is at home watching television when there is no earthly reason that he can't go for a bike ride instead. That seems like a recipe for making him resent the baby before she's even here.

I never said you should sit and mope together. I'm not at all for moping.

As long as you're really not crabby about it, and really ARE just joking, then okay.

Karen

[hurleygirl]

Wow. I missed the start of this but I have been in a similar situation.

Background: Husband and I are fairly equally matched on the bike. He's a better climber. I go faster on flats. We ride together often. I also go for a regular group ride without him.

Even more background: I am very independent and do lots of stuff without him. He's never once voiced any kind of concern about this. He's not a typical male in so many ways.

Here's the story: There was a regular group "Hill Ride" on Wednesdays with a bunch of "A" level riders. I am not at that level, but it was a regroup ride and they never seemed to mind waiting for me - I was always the last person to the top. They kept inviting me back. Even my husband had gone to this ride, but not recently.

Despite their encouragement, I felt guilty about making them wait for me and wanted to get faster. So I was talking to another one of the slower hill climbers, and we decided to do hills on a different day to improve our abilities. I invited my husband. He declined. (He has taken a dislike to driving to rides - and to get to hills we need to drive). A few weeks of training with my new "hill buddy" went by - my husband was invited to the ride every week but always turned it down.

One day, I got a double flat. I got home and told my husband the story of Mark (hill buddy) and I trying to change the tires - it's actually a funny story but that's for another post. Husband said "so who's this Mark guy?" I told him I know him from other group rides, we're the slower ones on the Wednesday ride, etc. Husband said "I think it's inappropriate that you're riding with him".

Okay, red flags. I explained that he has been invited to every ride and I don't think there's anything wrong with the situation. He pressed the issue. I was taken aback at first because he's never expressed any kind of concern like this before. But I finally decided to drop Mark as a hill buddy - as much as I enjoyed the rides and wished my husband was there too, I figured it was a small price to pay to keep my husband happy. I'm still confused by his reaction, because it's out of character for him.