Younger woman bossing me around

[shootingstar]

I don't mind being asked by people alot younger than I, to do certain things which draw upon my skills. But it's uber annoying from a particular woman who I don't report to nor does she have official supervisory authority, to tell me super obvious stuff. She does have an assertive, loudish voice...which I do too. I know why she's like that because most likely she has been in certain situations where female colleagues in her industry were made to feel 'less' or seen less worthy.

I'm debating what to do ..tell her boss which is my boss also, or tell her directly.

[smilingcat]

hmm... talking to her boss or your boss will not do much and can hurt you more than you might think. If she is bossy to you, then she is probably being bossy to others as well. If you decide to have a face to face, depending on her personality and of her self-esteem, it can go either way.

Another thing to consider is to politely tell her that thank you but you've already thought about it. If she gets enough of the brush-offs, she will probably move on and pester someone else. I would think her boss is aware of the meddling.

[rebeccaC]

i wouldn't say it's an age thing...

Personally I would always be respectful in my reactions. Since I also believe myself capable and have the knowledge/experience to do what I am tasked to do, I would simply ask that they acknowledge my respect and that they speak to me with respect.

Being compassionate by understanding things like feelings of insecurity, anxiety etc. can cause disrespecting boundaries can also help you avoid feeling angry and frustrated.

If i talked to others about it i would be genuine about a need for guidance and constructive advice on how to handle it and not that i was complaining about it.

hoping you find a positive solution that works for you!

[Crankin]

I would start with her, and talk in a clear neutral tone. Ask her to speak to you with respect and acknowledge your skills.
She will know what you mean.
If it doesn't change, then ask a supervisor for advice.
Does she do this to others, or is it just you, which leads you to the age thing?

[shootingstar]

Thx for advice so far and more advice for more is helpful.

This already has happened twice and this type of situation happens in group meetings where clearly she's trying to exercise control but she likes to do it on me directly by instructing me in a loud voice with assertiveness. She is a team lead without direct reports.

I know the game but I have learned in previous jobs as a manager, to step back and let expert staff do their jobs with general outcomes, etc. I myself have been criticized for sounding too angry, impatient when in fact, I was overly charged with ideas and energy. I have never been criticized for holding back staff or not allowing them to express their best positive personality and skill set. I learned quickly that having very bright staff who were also great workers, customer service oriented AND personality magnets for clients, was a huge plus for the dept. Let staff shine.

My partner believes that after speaking her, I should speak to my boss (her boss also), otherwise things could really go downhill with her badmouthing me. It still could, but it would be damage control or realignment of certain behaviours.

[Pax]

If my boss respects me I will typically keep her in the loop about what is going on. Let her know I'm going to take a shot at fixing the situation, but wanted to give her a heads up about it. Nothing for the boss to fix, just awareness that I'm trying to correct a situation, and if I'm not successful she'll already be aware and ready to take the correction to the next level.

As for the face to face with the co-worker, I'd go neutral but firm. I've had annoying coworkers in the past who, when confronted, seemed genuinely perplexed they were being perceived that way, good long talk about it cleared the air. On the flip side, I have a young coworker right now who is rude and annoying and is very content being that way. Our conversation about the way she interacts with me only served to scare her so now she stays away from me and doesn't interact. Win win!