Mother Dearest,

[smilingcat]

So you want me to move to ****. You say its my hometown? You don't say.

Well lets see, I lived in that town for a grand total of 5 maybe 6 years. Last time I remember of living in **** was 39 years ago. Family moved away to **** then I got so sick of being moved around so much, I dropped out of high school in my junior year to go to an Ivy league school. Didn't even finish my junior year of high school (two separate high school in year and half and third looming on the horizon). And you want me to call **** as my hometown? Well I'll be.

So you did move back to **** where I spend 5/6 years. And you've lived there ever since. **** maybe its your home town in a way; but, for moi? not so much. I didn't like that town anyway. It's the desert. I don't like 100+ heat month at a time. I don't like having to use an oven mitt to open a car door in the summer... And I surely hated getting my arse burnt on car seat. You need to put a white terry cloth towel on the seat.

I don't have a home town. I don't know a thing about homecoming. i don't know what its like to have or had long term friends growing up. What is that like? But I can tell you what its like having attended 5 elementary school as a starter...

I do love you very much but I can't just drop my farm, quit everything to move to where you live so that its like the old days when it was still familia. Not happening. Besides, I've known too many women friends who did just that to take care of their aging parents. And when the aging parents died, my friends I knew became destitute. I'm not going to make that mistake.

so why the venting? Some of you at some point in time maybe requested by their aging parents to drop everything, stop your life, uproot yourselves to go take care of your aging parents. DON'T!! Have them move closer to you. Yes there will be lot of guilt trips heaped upon you for not moving to where they live. Don't cave in and ruin your life. If they say they don't want to move to where you live. Well, it goes both ways. You don't want to move either or you CAN'T.

Okay so I've aired my dirty laundry... but I hope you don't find yourself in similar predicament. Have your aging parents move to where you live or in a town close to you. They may not like it and resist. But its the only real solution.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((Smilingcat)))))))

Your words hit close to home. Thankfully my middle sister took care of my dad. I visited a few times, my youngest sister has very little contact at all. Don't know what might happen with my mom - she just remarried a much younger man, but it's his third marriage, so who knows if he'll stick around when/if it gets tough.

[ny biker]

It can be a tough situation, with no really good solution for some people. My parents have a friend, a widow who lived alone near them in NY. As her health declined her daughter moved her up to New England near her home. But the woman doesn't know anyone there except her daughter, who is busy with her job and her own life. So she's very unhappy. But it would not have been practical for the daughter to move to NY, regardless of how she might feel about living there in the past.

One of my neighbors moved down to Mississippi last year. He did not want to go. But he had no family in this area. He's retired and still relatively young and in good shape. He'd had knee surgery and found it hard to get help from friends, not because they didn't want to help, just because it's hard to coordinate schedules sometimes. He realized that he'd be on his own if he had a more serious health problem. So he sold his townhouse and moved to the town in Mississippi where his sister and niece live. He told me that his sister had a bit of trouble adjusting when she first moved there to be close to her daughter, but was able to settle in and find friends and activities she liked in time. So he hoped he'd be able to do the same. But it was not easy for him to move. I hope he's doing well there.

[Pax]

We moved my mom home to IL after my dad died, she hated it, but she said she couldn't stay in FL and take care of the house by herself. It was a lose lose situation.

Sure hope we all do better for ourselves as we age, have some system in place, maybe a Golden Girls things (for those of us sans children).

[ny biker]

It is something I think about, thought it's too soon to make any plans. Until recently my closest relatives were almost 300 miles away, but now my nephew has started a new career less than an hour away from where I live. No idea how long he would stay in this area, possibly other nieces, nephews or cousins might end up near here as they begin their careers, and some of my siblings and older cousins talk about moving when they get older. But it is something to consider when thinking about long term plans.

I know someone whose father died last year. The father had been in a nursing home for 6 months, and my friend's mother had been living in a retirement community (apartment building) during that time so she had already moved out of their house. I think all of her adult children (who are grandparents themselves) live several states away. Her sister had been living in the same building for several years, and they both enjoy some of the activities offered for the residents there. It seems to be working out for both women.

[Crankin]

This is why I am not being so quick to move away in a few years. Although I am very social, not sure how quickly I could build up a support system in the Berkshires. Yes, it's the same state, but not home. Once our house gets sold and we are moved into the condo, we will seriously start looking for a second home there, that might become a retirement home. I do not, repeat do not want to ever put my kids in that position, so we will go wherever, to get what we need. But, I like familiarity. I have no idea where my younger son will end up, but I doubt the other one will ever leave Boston.
I don't know how my brother ever had my dad move in with him. He is a better person than me, and i fully admit it. Of course, it was only after my dad realized he needed my brother a bit, and my dad swore he would "behave." He did, but the last 2 months took its toll on my brother.

[shootingstar]

It is something I think about, thought it's too soon to make any plans. Until recently my closest relatives were almost 300 miles away, but now my nephew has started a new career less than an hour away from where I live. No idea how long he would stay in this area, possibly other nieces, nephews or cousins might end up near here as they begin their careers, and some of my siblings and older cousins talk about moving when they get older. But it is something to consider when thinking about long term plans.

I know someone whose father died last year. The father had been in a nursing home for 6 months, and my friend's mother had been living in a retirement community (apartment building) during that time so she had already moved out of their house. I think all of her adult children (who are grandparents themselves) live several states away. Her sister had been living in the same building for several years, and they both enjoy some of the activities offered for the residents there. It seems to be working out for both women.

My concussion injury highlighted to me (at my tender age of 56) how important having 1-2 trustworthy friends or family locally. I agree that wherever one lives, it is useful to have at least 1 local close trusted friend or family member, who has known you for several years and who is physically able to help. This is why I have chosen to live in walkable distance wherever I've lived in whichever city in Canada, close to services and amenities. I can't fathom living isolated in burbs and not close public transportation /key services.

I am within 15-30 min. walking distance to doctor, dentist, bank, grocery stores, pharmacy, library, etc. Though I am car-free, with a head injury you DON'T want to drive during rehab. If I have to take taxi at least it won't cost me a fortune. (though cheaper and easier to take transit train). There are express buses and light rail from downtown that take me to the airport and to the intercity bus terminal within 15-30 min. ride from downtown. Every decade it becomes more and more important to choose to live in a home that is close such services if you want to remain as independent as possible. I know that people think of friends giving them car lifts when they're old, etc. But I disagree and I look to my mother who is now heavily dependent on my siblings to schlepp her everywhere. I mean everywhere. She won't even walk to her grocery store 3 blocks away. She can walk. And there are many people who refuse to walk 3-5 blocks on a pleasant residential street to do an errand.

At work, we had an employee (who is probably over 60), who lives downtown by himself. He fell somewhere at home (?) about 4 months ago and the first person someone could reach on his cellphone, was his work supervisor because that was the local phone number he dialed the most. He has been hospitalized for over 2 months which indicates that seriousness of his condition.

So one of the things told to us at a work safety meeting, was if one lives alone was to give your personal phone number to another employee that you trust even if you don't feel like giving it to your supervisor. In case, you are missing/don't show up for work because you were incapable of contacting the supervisor. Personal phone number is on file in our HR database, but that would take time for someone to track it down in personal information records which there are strict controls for access by any employee except certain HR people. (It is actually controlled by law in Canada..on access to personal info.).