Host- guest customs

[Melalvai]

I'd like some outside perspective on a situation that I'm boiling mad about.

If you had a guest for a week, would you ask them to do chores? Would you consider them to be a rude guest if they failed to fulfill your requests?
Would it make a difference if the guest was 18 yrs old?
If she is your 18 yr old son's girlfriend?

The girlfriend in question is my daughter. They've been dating for almost a year, and she spent the night at his house frequently during the summer. This was her first (and probably last) extended visit. Whereas we've treated her like an adult for the past few years, he has always had a curfew and chores, and has to get permission to go anywhere or do anything. His parents exercise a lot of control over him.

She spent her Thanksgiving break at his house. Before the visit she asked me, "Should I bring a hostess gift?" Since the traditional hostess gift is a bottle of wine, and she is only 18, I told her to ask her boyfriend what was expected. I certainly wouldn't expect such a thing, if we were going to have a guest for a week. He said nothing was expected. I mention this because although she doesn't have any experience being a guest for a week, she was conscious that there might be some expectations.

His parents had him do a lot of chores during his vacation. And his dad asked her to tidy up the bathroom. Not tidy up HER stuff in the bathroom, but tidy up the bathroom. She meant to, but forgot, and now his dad is mad and doesn't want her to visit ever again and furthermore they're not going to let him spend a week at our house over winter break.

She feels horrible for forgetting to clean the bathroom and she's extremely upset about not getting to spend time with her boyfriend. I'm boiling mad for her.

Obviously they don't realize how lucky they are. She could be obnoxious, noisy, into all kinds of objectionable and illegal activities. Instead she's quiet, polite (although they were offended because she didn't say 'please' and 'thank you' enough), smart, and responsible. She didn't leave her stuff all over the place. She didn't get into other people's stuff-- she felt a little uncomfortable about being asked to tidy up the bathroom because it would mean messing with other people's stuff.

This was probably just as much to vent as it was to get perspective. If you have some speculation as to what is behind what seems to me to be irrational behavior, I appreciate it, if you just have sympathy for me & her, I appreciate that too.

[shootingstar]

His parents had him do a lot of chores during his vacation. And his dad asked her to tidy up the bathroom. Not tidy up HER stuff in the bathroom, but tidy up the bathroom. She meant to, but forgot, and now his dad is mad and doesn't want her to visit ever again and furthermore they're not going to let him spend a week at our house over winter break.

She feels horrible for forgetting to clean the bathroom and she's extremely upset about not getting to spend time with her boyfriend. I'm boiling mad for her.

Obviously they don't realize how lucky they are. She could be obnoxious, noisy, into all kinds of objectionable and illegal activities. Instead she's quiet, polite (although they were offended because she didn't say 'please' and 'thank you' enough), smart, and responsible. She didn't leave her stuff all over the place. She didn't get into other people's stuff-- she felt a little uncomfortable about being asked to tidy up the bathroom because it would mean messing with other

Wow, weird parents. How old is he? 18-19?

(Look out....--! Should she ever um....marry to have in-laws like that.)

I think it's reasonable to expect an 18-yr. guest to clean up after their own mess and bring along their own empty dishes, not bring food into other areas of the house unless it's ok.

If the whole family is ie. raking leaves, I mean the whole family, then it would be nice she participated in a leisurely way. Or the whole family is putting dirty dishes away, then yes, she voluntarily helps. Not told.

As for not saying please and thank you enough times, honest I'm sure your daughter was polite. They sound like control freaks and treat your daughter like a child, instead of a young adult.

The tough thing, is your role as mother and perhaps be gracious and firm that there's something very strange that she is asked to do chores when she is..well only a guest. You don't want to cause her to make a decision between your opinion /you and what she feels for her boyfriend. Best to tell her that caring for her boyfriend is very different, doesn't mean she has to agree with his parents.

Sorry to hear, that his parents (or is it just the father) is forbidding mutual stayovers now..

And the parents are European-based? I'm asking because in some cultures/some families, women have this expectation...

[thekarens]

FWIW my son brought his girlfriend last year (they were both 20.) I made it clear that gifts weren't expected. We gave her a gift, but I knew she was a poor college student, so I didn't expect or want anything from her. She was here for 2 weeks and I didn't expect anything other than they pick up after themselves (ie take the dishes back to the kitchen, etc.) and do their own laundry. I would never have asked or expected her to clean the boys bathroom. As far as I'm concerned that's my boys' job and if she wants to help or if they wanted her to help that was up to them.

Frankly to me that situation sounds ridiculous on several levels...and to not let their son stay with y'all over something so silly...well, I can't even begin to explain that one.

[OakLeaf]

Well. I think his parents are way over the line. But I also think that your daughter is kind of in a grey area between "guest" and "family." So while I don't think it was appropriate for them to ask her to do chores - and especially for them to express anger when she didn't do them - I think that she should've taken it upon herself to help with the chores in common areas, not just picking up after herself.

Her reticence about "messing with other people's stuff" ... I can't really speak to whether it's appropriate or not, because I have similar issues. But I might point out that while my issues stem from some deep childhood stuff that I've been poking at pretty hard in therapy the last few weeks, that reticence made it *extremely* difficult for me to integrate into either of my husbands' families.

Obviously it's way too early for her to be thinking about having in-laws. But it seems to me, as an outsider looking in, that those extended family relationships have to begin to take shape *before* there's a long term commitment between the couple ... when they are still in that grey area.

[roo4]

I don't think I know enough about the situation to have an opinion. Mostly because I am completely biased on your behalf, but realize that the hosts may not be accustomed to having guests, or perhaps your daughter is messier than they anticipated. However, I recommend that you try hard to not show your feelings about it (which you mentioned is your approach as well). Have her write a gracious thank-you note and let time soften the rough edges. The guy in this story should rise to her defense as well, if not, perhaps this is not a viable long term relationship. Take the high road.

[azfiddle]

When my now 25 year old daughter has invited guests (friends or a boyfriend), I appreciate it if they offer to help with dishes and just pick up after themselves, but would never in a million years assign chores. It would be polite of a long term guest to offer to help with something little like that- and many times I would expect the host would say no thank you to anything bigger than dishes, etc. I can imagine what a nice surprise it would be if I cam home from work and found the living room or bathroom cleaned up (maybe as a team effort by daughter and friend) as a gesture of appreciation, but absolutely not expected. (In my house, that never happened, btw.)

So I think the bf's parents are a little out of line.

[Melalvai]

They're American. His dad grew up in this area (midwest). I was surprised that there seems to be a cultural difference, given that we seem to be from the same culture.

Thanks, I felt the whole thing was pretty unreasonable.

I'm making an effort not to be too angry about it in front of my daughter, because she's upset enough and she'll be more upset if I'm angry. I'm trying to focus on being sympathetic, understanding, and reassuring. She's not a bad guest, she didn't do anything wrong.

[thekarens]

They are lucky it's you and not me. I don't have the patience to deal with and accept that kind of intolerance and lack of flexibility. Assuming that they even had a real reason to be offended, to not accept a written apology would be too much for me. They could have said thank you for the apology and we'll discuss this in person the next time we see each other.

[Crankin]

These parents are control freaks who don't see their son as an adult. Unless he starts demanding that they do, I would tell my child to run as far as s/he can. Some parents just don't get that once your kids have a partner, their first allegiance is to that person, and not the parents. I know they are young, but... my in-laws expected that I would be a certain way. Call them mom and dad and call them all of the time. I had no desire to do that as I felt i already had parents. They wanted things done *their* way. DH stuck by me the whole time. We didn't talk to them for 5 years at a time and finally, moving 2,800 miles did the trick.
And, I would never ask a guest to clean the bathroom!

[Irulan]

I have a couple of thoughts..
"dating most of a year" In my mind that moves out of the realm of houseguest and into the realm of something more.

Does "tidy up" the bathroom mean hang up your towel and get the hair out of the sink, or does it mean get on your hands and knees with the rubber gloves and the Lysol?

At my house especially with the young'uns... I totally expect them to help clean up, do dishes, strip their bed, tidy up as in, well, tidy up the bathroom. I do not expect them to do heavy cleaning. For certain, I am not running a hotel and and I do not wait on house guests.

These people sound manipulative and controlling. Maybe your daughter will see that.

[Owlie]

Uh, weird. I've been with my BF for nearly 6 years (so, practically family). Yes, a SO of an extended period of time falls into a gray area of "not a typical houseguest, but not quite family either" area. I've usually spent a week with BF's family at a time. I'd help with cooking (chopping stuff, stirring stuff, or I'd be in charge of a side dish), dishes, my own laundry if I did any (unless we did a load of cycling clothes), or tidying up the bathroom. (That mostly consists of "keep my stuff corralled and my hair out of the drain".) Now that we've been together longer, I have no problem with helping to clean the kitchen or something similar. I don't like touching other people's stuff without permission, so my helping out still ends up being "Where does this go? Where do you want this? I need to do x. Where is y?" Usually it's faster for BF to do it for me. (Yes, I've been visiting these people for a while and I still don't know where everything is...)

It was the same when we visited my parents when we were in college. He'd help with the cooking, strip his bed before he left, did his own laundry, and "keep the bathroom neat" is "don't leave soap and hair everywhere and hang up the bathmat when you're done." No "clean the bathroom" stuff.

That response from his mom... Who does that?

[lph]

Ok, the asking to help with a chore and being annoyed she forgot I guess you could chalk up to different house rules and child/adult distinction, and them treating your daughter as a family member more than a guest. But being openly furious afterwards and refusing to accept a written apology is just way beyond different customs. It's either incredibly rude, or there's something more behind this. Is there anything your daughter maybe didn't pick up on? Is there any way they have been annoyed at her for some time, for not helping out regularly when she visits, for instance? Or does she change the way they relate to their son? And are they used to having house guests? Some people (I'm one of them) enjoy visitors but it stresses them a lot.

I'm not defending them, just trying to understand their rather bizarre behaviour.

Helping out can be a fine line - when our son was small and my ILs would babysit, my MIL felt very free to "help out" at home. I didn't mind her straightening the kitchen and putting away the dishes, but when she started making our beds and picking up clothes in the bedroom I had to politely tell her to please, stay out... I like to help out too because it makes me feel useful, but I stay out of people's bedrooms!

[zoom-zoom]

Those people sound psychotic! If I were your DD I'd be thinking very hard on whether this is a family I want to be involved with long-term. Unfortunately, when we marry someone we are also marrying their family. My MIL is a royal PITA and has said and done some really exasperating things over the years that make me so envious of my friends with wonderful ILs. My MIL's obnoxiousness has not been a total deal-breaker (in large part because she has always lived out-of-state), but I have friends who have true "monster-in-laws" and it has caused irreparable damage to their marriages.

[PamNY]

I don't have children, so I don't have the family perspective. But these people sound like control freaks. I can't imagine asking a guest to clean the bathroom -- or do much of anything regarding housework, really.

I don't like guests pitching in to help very much at all (got that from my mother) so perhaps I have a bias.

Hope this is resolved without additional distress to your daughter.

[goldfinch]

I would wonder what the BF's take is on all of this. Is he going to stand up to his parents and visit your daughter even if they forbid it? What is going to be the consequence if he does? Your daughter and her BF need to talk this through.