What would you do -- neighbors want to be friends, we don't?

[emily_in_nc]

Ugh...neighbors in our condo building have been mentioning for months that they want to have us up to their beach house on a remote part of the island (accessible only by boat). We've managed to put them off by just not ever mentioning it, but now that they know we're moving back to the US in a little over a month, they've mentioned it again, and I expect they aren't going to let it go this time.

The thing is, they want us to bring our dog and spend the night! We hardly know this couple other than as friendly neighbors and have almost nothing in common with them. They are very well-off (own four homes, including two condos in our complex, this beach house up north, and a home in the US), quite a bit younger than us, and just not our type of people except for the fact that they love dogs.

I have no desire to spend the night up at their place nor deal with trying to ensure that our dogs all get along -- they have a young and very fiesty (though sweet) pit bull, and I can just see our also fiesty Boston Terrier getting into it with him, so it would not be relaxing at all. The only way I'd consider going is if it were just for the day (and we could leave our dog at home), but that would rely on them taking us up and back in their boat on the same day (we don't have a boat). I'm assuming they don't want to make the trip twice in a day, and that's why they want us to stay the night. Neither my DH nor I really have any interest in spending a day with these folks -- after we move, chances are we'll never, ever see them again.

We have no idea why they seem to want us to go up there so much -- they have friends visiting them here all the time, and they know we're leaving to move back to the US, so it's not like they need more friends. I guess they just want to show off their cool island beach house, but frankly, I'm not all that interested.

I just can't imagine having to make conversation with them all day long -- my DH and I are both introverted (they're the opposite) and just don't feel like getting close to them. If there were a bunch of people going, that would be fine, but just the four of us, I'm sure we'll be asked a lot of questions and be put on the spot. I know they're just being friendly, and I wish we weren't so anti-social, but it's not like these people are even our friends, though they make think they are -- they're really just neighbors. We're just very, very different people.

Any thoughts? I wish it weren't so socially unacceptable just to tell people you don't want to do something!

[Irulan]

Why not just a concise, " I know we've been neighbors for a while, but we are really not comfortable with this" Or, "No thank you but it just won't work for us". Its none of their business to know why. I know there is no ultra graceful way to do it, but you've got to do it somehow or you will be sorry.

I just don't understand why people are so afraid to say "no thank you" politely to something they really don't want to do. I don't' find it socially unacceptable, I just try and find a way to say it graciously, and point it to something being wrong with me , not them.

[lph]

To be honest, I would invent an excuse. Maybe it's cowardly, but I can't think of any polite way to say what you're trying to say - that they want to be friends more than you do.

Depending on your situation and how often you see them I'd say something like "Gee, I know we've been talking about this and it would be great fun, but our time here is running out and we've found out that we'd really prefer to just spend the last month at home without travelling." And then invite them to something less time-consuming, like dinner or a walk with the dogs. Or let them show you pictures of their beach house, if it's their pride and joy and they would just love to show you.

If you're really pressed for an excuse you could say your dog hates water, or boats or something... ;-)

[Crankin]

I'd just say no thanks, that I am too busy getting ready to move.
You're anti-social? I wouldn't have guessed that. I think you just don't like these people! When I moved back to MA, I invited many people over for dinner or dessert, just as I always did in AZ. Every single invitation was rebuffed. I don't know, this was normal to me. If I didn't like the people after one "date," then that was it. We've always been more involved with friends than with family (except our kids, of course) and that just isn't the case for a lot of people.
Well, I digress. You'll be able to meet lots of people you have stuff in common with, once you move.

[emily_in_nc]

I'd just say no thanks, that I am too busy getting ready to move.
You're anti-social? I wouldn't have guessed that. I think you just don't like these people! When I moved back to MA, I invited many people over for dinner or dessert, just as I always did in AZ. Every single invitation was rebuffed. I don't know, this was normal to me. If I didn't like the people after one "date," then that was it. We've always been more involved with friends than with family (except our kids, of course) and that just isn't the case for a lot of people.
Well, I digress. You'll be able to meet lots of people you have stuff in common with, once you move.

Sorry...missed your post, we must have been typing away at the same time!

Yeah, we're a little anti-social. We don't entertain, except family (rarely). We will go to parties from time to time but often beg off/make excuses. We're friendly, but we're both basically introverts who need a lot of recharge time. That's one thing that cycling gives us. And we have no desire to engage in small talk and superficial friendships unless we think we have quite a bit in common with the people. In this case, we don't. We don't dislike them, they just move in very different worlds. They're super wealthy, as I mentioned, younger, she's a fashion designer, and he's a former ski pro and rock guitarist who is now doing some sort of online business. About all we seem to have in common is being in Belize and loving dogs.

[emily_in_nc]

Irulan, you are much braver than us...we have a really hard time just saying no to things we don't want to do if it's right to an individual or couple's face. Very different from RSVPing to a general party invitation or something.

lph, giving an excuse is much more our speed. Even if it's less honest and a bit of a cop-out, it spares people's feelings. If the "beach house visit" goes long enough without a set date, we really WILL have way too much to do since we have to pack and do a lot of "business" stuff to do before we leave the island, obviously.

They know our dog loves water as they see her playing in the ocean here -- and we used to own a sailboat, so I don't think we could use that excuse.

I'm almost hoping one of us gets sick, though that's a terrible thing to wish for!

[malkin]

I'd probably have a headache or some vague unspecified malaise.

[indysteel]

What lph said. I wish we lived in a world where a polite no thank you was all that was needed, but we don't. So just come up with some plausible excuse and leave it at that. Remember, at some point, you'll never see these people again, so don't agonize over it.

[Irulan]

Whatever you say, just be sure you practice it a few times, so you feel comfortable saying it when the time comes.

Just keep it short and simple...."Thank you so much for your offer! Unfortunately, we just can't fit that into our schedule."
If they push, just keep repeating it..."We just won't be able to squeeze it in." etc etc etc

If you are prepared, you don't have to hide from them, or worry about getting stuck in a situation you are not comfortable with.
Good Luck!

I vote for this. It's not an excuse, it's clear, polite and gets the point across.