talk me down off the ledge, please

[GLC1968]

As many of you know, I have a full head of grey hair and I am 44 years old. I tried to go my natural grey at 40 but I only lasted about 5 months before I gave in to societal pressure and colored it again.

About 6 months ago, I cut my hair super short to go grey once more and I've been wearing it that way fairly happily since. I am trying to grow it out but I've been careful about keeping it trimmed so that I have a style and not just a crazy mop of greyness. Usually, I'm ok with it (though I have rethought a few things I wear as colors look decidedly different on me now) but every once in awhile something happens to make me question it. A few weeks ago, I had to travel to TX on business and I felt a distinct difference in how people there treated me vs how people here treat me. There, I was treated as an older lady. I can't quite explain it but it just felt different.

Anyway, I've been back in the Portland area for a week or so and I tend to forget that I'm grey. Well, last night at work I was helping a coworker with a new system. I was showing him something on my computer screen and directly behind my screen to the right are 4 photos. 3 are of me and my husband (one taken last Jan, one about 3 years ago and one from our wedding which was almost 10 years ago) and 1 is of my parents. This coworker (who is late 30's himself...so not a too young to know better), sees the photos and says 'oh, are these your children?'

WHAT?!?!

I laughed it off, said "no...those are photos of me and my husband" and that was the end of it....but holy cow! I know I don't look old enough to have 40 year old children if you look at my face but it's comments like this that make me want to color my hair. This guy has no 'filter' and I don't take offense at all, but if he is haphazardly saying what others are probably thinking, I can't help but question my decision to make myself appear older to the world. Ugh - I don't want to color my hair anymore but I'm already tired of people judging me so wrongly for something so easily fixed. I'm so torn. I LIKE being different, but I wish that my version of 'different' didn't come with preconceived notions. So, should I color again?

Maybe I should just get pissed that society has determined that women can't be grey until they are in their 60's.

[luvmyguys]

No advice, but I have a friend who was grey in her late 20's/early 30's, before her first child was even born. So you're not alone!

I vote for just getting ticked off about the assumptions of society.

[spokewench]

You should do what you feel comfortable doing. If it bothers you, color it. If it does not bother you, leave it alone. Only you can know whether other people's opinions affect you adversely or not

[OakLeaf]

Ugh. A law school classmate of mine was grey before she was 30. She didn't color then, and I haven't seen her in person since her wedding about five years after we graduated. I just googled out of curiosity. Yep, she colors now.

Maybe you could do a temporary color to try it back on again - see how you feel about it at this point in your life - then get a "real" salon color if you want to stay with it?

You can color and STILL get ticked off by society, you know.

[shootingstar]

I can't offer truest experience, GLC because I haven't gotten grey alot. Just a few grey strands among black hair.

You need to feel most comfortable. However for your job, it can't be a terrible thing to have some grey hair since personnel recruitment does require an experienced person ...and someone who looks fit/healthy helps enormously. If people already know that your former experience is engineering hands-on, an engineering degree PLUS other stuff, you would be a role model/mentor to others...particular for women in engineering positions. I worked in several organizations (public sector and large global firm), where licensed female engineers with demonstrated engineering experience, savvy plus defined LIFE experience do tend to be respected by their male engineering counterparts. Just a personal observation.

GLC, think of someone who is non-white, what they might have to do express themselves to counteract stereotyping of ie. not being born in North America, when they are. This is why if later I am judged by being older/ageism..... I can't worry about it much. Because I've judged negatively (based on comments to my face) in the past wrongly based on other visual cues.

But great that you have taken steps to "try out" greyness.

[Crankin]

Well, I will agree that in certain part of the country, you will be treated more on superficial looks.
That said, I've made it clear that I color my hair (although I don't have more than a few strands of gray) at almost 60 and I plan to continue doing it for the foreseeable future. I think I look good for my age the way I am now and I like the fact that my co-workers usually guess my age as anywhere between 45 and 50. This is important to me, as they are all about 30-35, with the exception of my boss, who is 40. I have enough other stuff that makes me look "mature," and I think gray would make me look old. My personal opinion is that unless someone my age has perfect skin, gray makes you look old.
Now, I've met you GLC, and you certainly don't look old! However, your hair was brown, and I am trying to picture you with gray. What about going lighter? I have a friend with hair about your color and she had considerable gray. She now gets lots of blonde highlights, it blends in well, and it looks great on her. She's my age and it doesn't look "fake."
I know people have strong feelings about this issue, and you can call me vain. I think looks *are* important in the business world. Of course, I would never comment on someone's pictures like that dumb azz guy, but I won't be one to talk you down.

[TrekDianna]

I think you should do what makes you happy and what makes you feel better about yourself. I've never cared what people thought about me I've always been too much of a renegade my entire life and if you look at the things I have run off to do and the adventures I've had...I've earned the gray I have. I actually like my gray. I have streaks in the front. I wouldn't change them at all.