unlearning a stress reaction

[Melalvai]

It was not quite ten years ago we had an enormously stressful year and at the end of it, I was so stressed out I threw up when it was time to go to work. My stomach hurt, I couldn't eat, woke up at 3 am every night. I was able to get out of that job-- my first postdoc experience-- and started playing postdoc roulette, a couple years in one lab and then another. Postdoc positions are inherently horrible and unstable and I had more than one experience that triggered that same stress reaction.

Now I'm finally in my first real job and much happier and I thought maybe I wouldn't have to deal with that again, at least not related to work. I'm almost at the end of my 2nd year here.

I had a meeting with my boss yesterday and he is concerned about my productivity. That sent me headlong into as bad a stress reaction as I can remember except for that first one.

I'm pretty sure it's not that bad, I have another meeting with him tomorrow afternoon, and I think it's just a matter of I haven't been selling myself well enough and there's been some miscommunication (intentional or accidental from somewhere; I have my suspicions). And even if it is "worst case" I still have a year on my contract and we have plenty of time to find something else. (Moving again would suck a lot.)

But that doesn't seem to matter...I have this horrible stress reaction.

What I want to know is, it seems I somehow learned this reaction a decade ago. Is there any way to unlearn it? It's horrible. I've done nothing wrong to deserve sleepless nights not to mention the throwing up and stomach pain and of course the crying. It's not like it accomplishes anything, why on earth do our bodies do this to us? What evolutionary advantage could this possibly have??

[Irulan]

You might seek some professional help with this. Throwing up is a pretty significant symptom of extreme anxiety and distress.

[redrhodie]

(((Melalvai))) I don't have any advice, just a hug. I remember when I used to have jobs with evaluations, and it was always awful. I always thought there was nothing that hurt productivity more than upsetting the staff over dumb stuff.

[goldfinch]

What I want to know is, it seems I somehow learned this reaction a decade ago. Is there any way to unlearn it? It's horrible. I've done nothing wrong to deserve sleepless nights not to mention the throwing up and stomach pain and of course the crying. It's not like it accomplishes anything, why on earth do our bodies do this to us? What evolutionary advantage could this possibly have??

I agree that getting the help of a therapist is a good idea. Cognitive behavior therapy can help you teach yourself new way of dealing with stress.

Take care! Some years ago I had a bad stressful time and I took anti-anxiety medication for a short period of time. It helped get me over the hump.

As far as evolutionary advantage, maybe there isn't one. One thing about evolution is not everything is useful or best. Our backwards eye. Adaptation to walking upright has resulted in a female pelvis which makes childbirth far more dangerous for humans than other mammals. The appendix. Wisdom teeth. Etc.

[Catrin]

(((Melalvai))) I know where you are coming from. While I am an over-achiever and always have the best possible evaluations, there is a part of me that fears and stresses out deeply over them. Is there someone you can speak with about this? That level of stress does seem pretty high and sometimes we need a bit of help to get to a better place.

[Crankin]

While a horrible/evil boss would evoke severe anxiety in most people, from what Melavai described, this current issue is not a "mean boss" issue. When we are told that something we are doing doesn't measure up, it can trigger all kinds of anxiety reactions, depending on what we've experienced in the past.
You need to find a therapist to help with this; this is the kind of problem that CBT is perfect for. Maybe talk to the person who helped you with the trauma reaction; she may or may not be able to help with this, or she can refer you.
There is a wonderful book here: http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Beha...5394055&sr=8-3
I use it all of the time with clients. Here's another one that I use, too:
http://www.amazon.com/Relaxation-Red...5394219&sr=8-8

[Melalvai]

Thanks everyone. Yeah, this is what I was looking for. Funny thing is my husband always gives some suggestion that I don't even seem to hear, and later someone else says exactly the same thing and I excitedly tell him about it and he says "Didn't I say that?" and then I do remember he did say it. So he already said everything you said, but I had no idea until he reminded me he had. Poor guy! I try to listen...what?

My boss is actually pretty cool. This stress reaction took me by surprise because it seems like an overreaction to the situation.

I am a lot happier in this job than in the postdoc nightmares previously. I can't say I love the job, and I'm more and more convinced I don't want to be in biomed research, and this might just be what pushes me out. Maybe after my daughter graduates high school, we'll try it with him getting a job and me doing whatever it takes to switch careers (hopefully NOT yet another degree.)

[tulip]

(((Melavai))). I've dreaded work and other things and I've had strong physical reactions--not pleasant ones. I agree that sometimes our body is wiser than our minds are, and when we don't listen, things get very loud so that we cannot continue to ignore our situations.

Outside help could really be beneficial.

And if and when you want to change careers, remember that people want to know what you CAN do for them, not what you've done in the past. Another degree will not guarantee anything (although you might find it interesting). Certainly not another PhD, though! You know how to reach me if you have questions about that...

[lph]

Hugs to you Melalvai! I hate evaluations too, but I try to teach myself ways of reducing stress from things like this. One that helps, when it works, is not relying on my first gut reaction, which often can be very uncomfortable. I know intellectually that I easily jump to conclusions and over-react, and sometimes I can talk myself through a different kind of reasoning, and try to think how I would react if that were the case.

Let's say your boss is concerned about your productivity because he values you very much, sees great potential, and is concerned that you're unhappy or stressed in your personal life, or that something at work is holding you back. How would you feel about that? Just a thought to try out. Sometimes bosses just word things badly.

Your stress reaction sounds very severe and painful, I hope you figure out how to reduce it.