Etiquette question

[spindizzy]

My husband and I usually send our nieces and nephews plus the kids my mom fosters a monetary gift at Christmas.

My youngest sister's eldest - is 28. Living common law, welfare, has a child, quit his job and his wife doesn't work outside the home.....All of the other nieces and nephews are either in school, or working. They (28 yr old et al) wanted my mom (in her 70's) to co-sign a loan for them. For what I did not ask. Mom refused. The also recently rented a hall (with what I don't know) for their child's first birthday and then were hitting up people to pay for the birthday cake, food and of course presents for their child. I know they can probably use the money. So I will send them one last token, but I would like to explain that this is the last time I will do this.

How do I phrase this? Or do I just stop with no explanation. I have struggled with this all week. I need to send the stuff out as everyone lives out west.

Any thoughts &/or suggestions would be helpful as I struggle through this moral/mental dilemma. My heart says to be generous without judgment; my brain says don't be a schmutz!

[Susan]

I can speak from the other point of view. My sister and I are in our thirties, and our aunt used to send us money and/or presents for christmas and on other occasions. She just recently stopped to do this.
Of course it's always nice to get a present, and it's nice if someone thinks about a present for you, but this felt very weird after I wasn't in my teens anymore, especially as we didn't see us very often (and you don't sound as if you'd see them very often either).

I guess it won't be a problem at all. At least it shouldn't be. I wouldn't expect a present for chrismas from relatives I don't see very often, and wouldn't even have thought about it if my aunt had decided to not send us presents at a much earlier point in time.

I'd say giving money for christmas is something for kids or teens, and of course only if you want to even then (it may be a different thing between children and their parents).

[ny biker]

Are you talking about sending money to everyone else but not this one nephew?

My oldest nephew is 20 and in college. I'm thinking I will probably stop sending gifts after each niece or nephew turns 21. But it will be based on age, not anything else, and one rule will be applied equally to all of them.

I don't know if it's helpful, but there was some recent stuff in Carolyn Hax's advice column and online chat that might be relevant. First letter here:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifest...r9N_print.html

And comments regarding "Trivial gifts" here:

http://live.washingtonpost.com/carol...211/print.html

[Koronin]

Growing up we (my sisters and I) received presents from our parents, grandparents and Uncle and Aunt (my mom's brother). However, we also saw them a few times a year and we all celebrated Christmas together. Basically until I moved out of state I got some sort of gift from my Uncle and Aunt. Now sometimes they send something and sometimes they don't, but always get a Christmas Card from them. At this point (I'm 37) I really don't care either way if they send a present, but I truly appreciate the card. Since I don't see them hardly at all I'm actually surprised they still do send presents part of the time.

[NbyNW]

Depending on how much money you are talking about, maybe you and other relatives could look at setting up a 529 plan for the child. And tell the parents, that is the child's gift.

This is what we're trying to encourage our families to do, since college tuitions are rising everywhere, doesn't matter if you're talking about public, private, 4-year or 2-year. It's never to early to start saving.

EDIT: Just realized that you are in Canada and that maybe you don't have 529s there.... but maybe there is a similar savings plan up there?

[malkin]

Once they reproduce, their offspring get something.
Or send 'em fruitcake (or something) for the family.
Or send a card.

[jyyanks]

I think you don't have to say anything to them. A gift is willingly given, not something that should be expected. I would say nothing, give them their token gift this year and next year just send a card. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

[shootingstar]

Hmm...they seem a bit careless with money.

I would send them a gift card, shopper's Drug Mart or The Bay. It'll force them to buy something practical/usable from etiher or those national chains.

OR Indigo bookstore gift card. Even better ...for the kids.

[pll]

I know I'm a bit of an extremist here, but:

• nobody over the age of 10 should expect a gift
• gifts to adults should be reciprocated

When the economy was tough, my extended family roughly lived by that: gifts to children only. The second rule is just common sense. At some point, it is the turn of nieces and nephews to give gifts.

[spindizzy]

All of these responses have been good food for thought.

When I look back on my original post- it seems I have 2 issues which I may have been rolling into one.

1) My nephew's behaviour

2) When to end the monetary gift giving.

I cannot do anything about his behaviour. I can end the gift giving at a certain age for all nieces and nephews. Which I think would be fair all around.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and insight.