Strange situation need advice please.

[Brandi]

Ok long story short, mom and dad split when I was 2 never saw him again till I was 9 and that was till his mom died so about hmmm 9 months I had to see him every other weekend and I was always with his wife or his mom and not him.
Tried to keep in touch with him but he never returned the favor. No birthday, no christmas, so child support.
Saw him on his terms about 19 years ago. We met at a lake cause he wanted to go fishing. Not us fishing, him. Kinda stayed in touch but it was mostly his wife that tried to get us together. But she always wanted me to come there. And she sounds like a whiny Marilyn Monroe which grinds on me. And it was always her not him asking. And he never knew when she was calling me till she said here it's your daughter. Lasted a couple months then stopped.

Well now she is calling me because he is terminal. Oh and they got divorced 6 months after they got married. They did only date 3 weeks till they got hitched. And he bought a house and is letting her live in while he lives in a trailor behind the house. 18 years after they split? WT?
Well I think he is in a hospital in LA which is 4 hours from me. But that is beside the point I am trying to make here.
I don't want to see him. I don't know him, got sick of trying when he would not make the effort back. All I know about him fit's in my hand.
He said once that I was the worst thing he had ever lost. Well umm I gave you MANY chances. MANY. waited 43 year for you.
Now that he is dyeing he wants (again) for me to come see him. Which is coming from his EX wife and not him.
Am I bad person? I had a very messed up upraising and not once was he there to help me through it. Not one time.
And I am exhausted from working on the road and finally home today (yeaaa) and my answering machine is filled with her whiny voice begging me to come down. After driving 10 hours today after 3 months of being on the road. Hmmmm? Not feeling like taking on that emotion. And I have family memebers who deserve my attention way more. Like my niece Lorelei. Ok I am done ranting. Any opinions are welcome feeling strange about this. Does not help how tired I am from working and just want to decompress.
Should I feel quilt for someone I don't know even if he is the dad I NEVER had?
Thanks for listening.

[shootingstar]

I think you tried to give him time by visiting him several times, even though at the urging of his ex-wife.

You could always call him or send him a card at least. This gives you distance and something for him to think instead of being forced to respond whenever you are physically there.

He is dying. But it has to be you wanting to do it, not because of guilt. Right now, you don't sound even mentally in the right shape and with right energy to deal with a terminally ill person.

[Brandi]

I think you tried to give him time by visiting him several times, even though at the urging of his ex-wife.

You could always call him or send him a card at least. This gives you distance and something for him to think instead of being forced to respond whenever you are physically there.

He is dying. But it has to be you wanting to do it, not because of guilt. Right now, you don't sound even mentally in the right shape and with right energy to deal with a terminally ill person.

More then anything I have no energy or the mental ability to deal with it at this moment.
I will send a letter. I guess I
should just say I forgive him in it and hopefully give him some kind of peace.

[ursalilah]

I can definitely empathize with you about lacking the energy to deal with the situation. I'm feeling the same way about my father, with whom I have a good relationship. I can't imagine who hard it would be if I were feeling the way about him that you're feeling toward your father.

I also think that you shouldn't go and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You've said that your father didn't want to have a relationship with you and basically hardly acknowledged your existence, which means he made his choice long ago.

[Brandi]

I can definitely empathize with you about lacking the energy to deal with the situation. I'm feeling the same way about my father, with whom I have a good relationship. I can't imagine who hard it would be if I were feeling the way about him that you're feeling toward your father.

I also think that you shouldn't go and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You've said that your father didn't want to have a relationship with you and basically hardly acknowledged your existence, which means he made his choice long ago.

Exactly! EXACTLY! ty

[malkin]

Like your signature says: Appreciate the people in your life.
He isn't really one of them. Take care of yourself.

Be with people you love and who love you.

[KnottedYet]

Don't go.

He doesn't want to see you. The ex-wife wants it. These calls to your answering machine are about HER needs. Not yours. Not his.

He made his choices. You made yours.

He's dying... so what? Everyone dies eventually. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

He's not part of your life. He's just a sperm donor you got some genes from.



ETA: Don't write a letter and forgive him to give him peace. Only do it if it will give you peace. And you know darn well the ex wife is going to become dependent on you if you get involved at all. She's still dependent on him. He provided her with a home. After he dies, are you going to put the trailer in your back yard and let her live there with you?

[Brandi]

Don't go.

He doesn't want to see you. The ex-wife wants it. These calls to your answering machine are about HER needs. Not yours. Not his.

He made his choices. You made yours.

He's dying... so what? Everyone dies eventually. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

He's not part of your life. He's just a sperm donor you got some genes from.



ETA: Don't write a letter and forgive him to give him peace. Only do it if it will give you peace. And you know darn well the ex wife is going to become dependent on you if you get involved at all. She's still dependent on him. He provided her with a home. After he dies, are you going to put the trailer in your back yard and let her live there with you?

AHHHHHHHHH I am running away! You are so right!

[ladyicon]

Do not feel guilty for not going. He does not deserve you at his side after he has snubbed you all these years. Be good to yourself and dont go, but do not feel guilty.
If you feel too much guilt, then go see him.
As you can see I support both sides. just do what you feel is right for YOU.

[Brandi]

I sat and wrote a letter to him today. Don't know if I am going to send it. I might just go down to the beach and give it to the ocean. I felt better after I wrote it though. And it really seemed to pour out. My hand got tired from writing. Ha i think i type way more then I write anymore.

[Brandi]

I am feeling a little better every day i am home. Have an acupuncture session tomorrow and a belated birthday message on Thursday. By friday I should be in a good space. I will let you all know what I decide. Your support has been soooo awesome! I mean wow you are all worth a million to me. If I could buy you all coffee (or a beer) I so would! A girls night with all of you would be so much fun!

[Brandi]

By the way I would have to drive 4 hours to Los Angeles to see him. * hour round trip, I just spent time on the road so driving any place is also well ehhhhhh don't wanna.

[lph]

If I could buy you all coffee (or a beer) I so would! A girls night with all of you would be so much fun!

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime Cheers! *clink*

[Brandi]

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime Cheers! *clink*

Oh I like that! We should set a date and anyone who wants to join has to be on at the same time and having a cold one of their choice and we all should take a picture of us enjoying it! Oh we should do this! I am going to post a new thread and see how many of us can join!

[Brandi]

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime Cheers! *clink*

So what what is the time diff for you. We have to try and line up the beer party to when you can hopefully.