Most modern stems have their torque setting in newton meters marked near the bolts, and there are online conversion sites where you can get the Nm to inch lbs converted. Yea the steerer tube is carbon fiber and it's not pretty to crush it with too much clamping force on those stem bolts.
The stem on my Ruby also has it's own adjustment and yours probably does also- there is an inner sleeve inside the stem hole area that rotates, changing the angle of the stem. You can also 'flip' the stem upside-down, giving you four choices total without changing the spacer stack.
As for the top-cap/bearing adjustment, you want to tighten it enough so the slop is taken up and the fork is not wobbly but not so tight as to bind the bearings. I use a strip of velcro to keep the front brake squeezed, and tighten the bolt lightly snug. Then, with my fingers lightly at the junction of the fork and head-tube, I rock the bike forward and back-feeling for the top of the fork rocking against the bottom of the headtube. If there is play, I tighten the cap bolt a little. I want to stop once that rocking play is gone, but the steering from side to side is smooth and not stiff or grinding.
A general rule of thumb, is to have at least one spacer under the stem, and once you find the right spot, one thin spacer above the stem.
Tzvia- rollin' slow...
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